Suppose you count yourself lucky because people love you - men and women alike seem to fall at your feet (metaphorically, we hope), and it's not because you're so damn gorgeous because the truth is there is always someone more beautiful - really, and also, there's no one size fits all beauty, so what may be beautiful to one is hideous to another and thank god, because we'd all be chasing the same person and wouldn't that suck, but let's talk about that other thing that draws people to one and other and that is that slippery, tricky thing called charisma.
You've seen it. It's not charm; that's different. Charm has to do with saying the right things at the right time and being cultured and somewhat cosmopolitan and in some ways, a real charmer is almost perfect. Charisma, by contrast, is not perfect. In fact, what often makes a person charismatic is not their charm or their looks, but rather their subtle flaws, their nonchalance and enfant terrible "could give a shit" attitude. In a way, to have charisma, you have to have a bit of a wild streak, like say Richard Branson, who while I would agree is probably somewhat charming, I'd say that we only say that because like me, he's English and polite and grew up pretty wealthy and likely has good manners. But in reality, Sir Richard Branson is let's face it, a bit of a geek and he's not that great looking; he has a giant head with that halo of wild hair that gives him a sort of leonine look and then there are those big teeth and the wrinkles around the eyes, yet there's till something.
Others? Tom Verlaine has and always did have incredible charisma - remember him on the cover of The Miller's Tale? He's just standing there in a black coat and sort of straddling a tree, so he looks like he's growing out of it, and his eyes are enormous and dark circled and he looks a bit tired and pale, and yet… and yet… not only is he and was he then remarkably talented with a genius for lyrics, but he had and has incredible charisma. It's a hard thing to pin point, but I grew up with someone who had this gift and for my whole life it has fascinated me. My mother, who would like this but has other assets, used to say somewhat cuttingly, "You're just like your father…" and while I never thought of my father as any kind of role model, god no, I also knew what she meant and that was that he and I had that "thing" as she would say that made pretty much anything we did somehow magically work. Things that were impossible for most people or that most would never get away with, both my father and I could talk our way out of or into or somehow, we would just be let go.
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Article comments
1 - Pino
charisma is indeed something special. It's invisible. It's a special form of energy that is send from one person to another. And you recieve it from everybody. Without knowing. And it affects you right away. When you see somebody for the first time, you'll be impressed, you won't care, you 'll feel threatened, you 'll feel attracted or .. or .. or .. it all depends on the kind of charisma you recieve. It's even so influential that bands with charismatic singers will have less problems of being liked. It's all about making a person fascinating.
Greetings from Belgium!
2 - Eric Olsen
thanks Pino, hope all is well over there
Sadi, more gripping family and personal history touching upon fascinating topics. I would say that the truly charismatic have to find a way to turn away those whom they inadvertently ensnare in their charismatic webs, which is why so many charismatic people appear to have a cruel streak.
3 - sadi
actually, eric, that's really interesting. i think that the truly charismatic, as my father really was - and lke the most charismatic person i've ever seen, save someone like tom verlaine etc, he would often have to turn away certain women especially, because yes, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it... and hte rest, he had to get rid of.
The problem with that kind of irrisistable charisma is that people always think it is directed specifically at THEM and not just a personality trait, and that is the big mistake. It's like having blue or green eyes etc. - it's just a natural thing that i swear, i think some people are just born with. So to that end, if you have it, you just do and it's not the "big come on" it's just part of who you are.
But, people being emotive, take it as something to do with them and that is often a mistake and then that puts the other person in the position of having to be the rejector - which means someone is going to be hurt. but tant pis, that's life. I don't mean to be flip, but you can't cave into everybody who wants a piece of you just because you're you... Imagine being Bowie or Verlaine etc. and if you had to give a piece to everyone. IT would be impossible and nobody else has to do that so why should you? Right. It wouldn't be fair.
But it's a fascinating thing to me, and watching my father go was always something intriguing, the way women and men alike would "fall" for him. My mother always said i had the same kind of thing, but not in the way that he did - never in spades like that. I think i wrote about my own limited experience above, but that's that...
but that said, one should not be ashamed of being charismatic. one too often feels the need to be self-depracating and not honest about who we are, both good and bad, and i'm not sure why that is. I say lots of bad things about myself, so it's okay to once in a while see a good quality - i guess for me that was sort of the point, though i picked a though quality because it does make life both easier and harder at the same time.
Pino-- Greetings to you in Belgium and thanks for reading..! Hope you'll visit us more often and blog on our columns and send us your links.
Cheers to all, and rock on,
sade
4 - Eric Olsen
combine charisma with underlying insecurities and you have the self-defeating behavior of someone like Bill Clinton
5 - sadi
actually, eric, that's really interesting. i think that the truly charismatic, as my father really was - and lke the most charismatic person i've ever seen, save someone like tom verlaine etc, he would often have to turn away certain women especially, because yes, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it... and hte rest, he had to get rid of.
The problem with that kind of irrisistable charisma is that people always think it is directed specifically at THEM and not just a personality trait, and that is the big mistake. It's like having blue or green eyes etc. - it's just a natural thing that i swear, i think some people are just born with. So to that end, if you have it, you just do and it's not the "big come on" it's just part of who you are.
But, people being emotive, take it as something to do with them and that is often a mistake and then that puts the other person in the position of having to be the rejector - which means someone is going to be hurt. but tant pis, that's life. I don't mean to be flip, but you can't cave into everybody who wants a piece of you just because you're you... Imagine being Bowie or Verlaine etc. and if you had to give a piece to everyone. IT would be impossible and nobody else has to do that so why should you? Right. It wouldn't be fair.
But it's a fascinating thing to me, and watching my father go was always something intriguing, the way women and men alike would "fall" for him. My mother always said i had the same kind of thing, but not in the way that he did - never in spades like that. I think i wrote about my own limited experience above, but that's that...
but that said, one should not be ashamed of being charismatic. one too often feels the need to be self-depracating and not honest about who we are, both good and bad, and i'm not sure why that is. I say lots of bad things about myself, so it's okay to once in a while see a good quality - i guess for me that was sort of the point, though i picked a though quality because it does make life both easier and harder at the same time.
Pino-- Greetings to you in Belgium and thanks for reading..! Hope you'll visit us more often and blog on our columns and send us your links.
Cheers to all, and rock on,
sade
6 - sadi
exactly, Eric -- we agree.
love, sade