is my back broad enough, sir? | sick and tired - Page 2

I write now because I have to try, because these days, no matter what I read, no matter what I watch, no matter what news I read and plan to write about or how excited I am in the moment, when push comes to shove, the only thing on my mind is this: this extreme fatigue, this vicious epilepsy, this unbelievable head pain that leaves me vomiting too many nights, limp and hanging over the toilet, the drug side-effects that no, I cannot live with even if they will save my life because the cure in this case feels worse than the disease and no matter the disease may kill me, what’s the difference whether I decide to kill me or the disease does? In the final account, doesn’t it add up to the same thing? I think it does. Nor do I wish, contrary to what may seem to be the case, to spend the majority or even a small portion of my life tucked and settled in bed under the blankets, safely sleeping away because I am simply too tired to function. I want work again, a fulltime job, a thing to throw myself into and i actively seek it hard; aggressively and things are looking hopeful. I find myself praying and thinking constantly of ways in which i can improve myself or my odds of finding such employ - i try. I try harder than i have ever tried, and i know, logically, that this to will pass, only it does not feel that way at the moment. At the moment, it feels like sinking, deeper and deeper.

A friend said, “You used to be so vital. I miss that you.”

And God, can I tell you how much I miss that person? That it seems years since I saw her. That I miss her.. Has it escaped the mind of anyone who loves me, and yes, I am grateful they care, but really, do you think that this is easy for me? That living a perpetual zombie with pasty pale skin and circles under my eyes and virtually no personal affect whatsoever is any kind of way to live? I am told not to work. I am told not to do a lot of things, yet still, I do them or I attempt to do them. Despite doctor’s advice, I am still looking for a job and even though epilepsy is largely why I lost my last job, amazing to see how much prejudice still exists in the workplace: had I had a child, I would be given several months off with pay. But since I just had seizures for several hours and lost and confused and scared and I could have died, then the hell with it, it’s easier to just get rid of me because the truth is just too hard to grasp and epilepsy, like being overweight, often seems to me one of the last acceptable prejudice.

Article Author: Sadi Ranson-Polizzotti

Sadi Ranson-Polizzotti is a published writer in both the United States and Europe. She is widely known for her music commentary, particularly her writings about Bob Dylan about whom she runs a highly-trafficked site. …

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