The worst part is these cheaters and abusers usually accuse their wounded targets of harrassing both them and/or their partners and even stalking them. This is nothing more than a pre-emptive strike. It common for internet predators, abusers and cheaters to enlist their local police in harrassing their victims by showing the police carefully selected instant messages and emails to support their claims and need to cut down the once "beloved' target." This move sometimes makes their victims back down but usually the retributive attack can't be backed up.
Be careful, the law regarding internet communications is still new so ask yourself: are you exposing them to be mean or get revenge? Or are you doing it to warn others and possibly stop the cyberpath from destroying themselves and their families? Are you being vindictive or shedding real light on the situation? When you point the finger at someone there are always three fingers pointing back at you. Your stories may help some potential victim see the patterns of behavior displayed by these people and avoid a lot of heartache. They may be cathartic as well. As it stands, these communications are considered like any internet bulletin board posting as long as it doesn't contain telephone numbers or other information someone could use for identity theft. The site owners say it is a matter of opinion.
In many cases, the cheater's spouse, therapist or partner may even stand up for the cheater/abuser. These people do "seem" so contrite. They tell them to NEVER speak to their victim(s) again. Is that right? Maybe not. It doesn't offer an outlet for the cathartic anger and venting these exposure sites allow. It doesn't allow for healing on either side. It shows no empathy towards the victim.
Counselors for internet addiction say the cheaters should come clean with their partner AND all their victims. They also suggest trying to reframe the relationship into something more productive and honest for both people. Cutting off the victim is cruel and allows the abuser to then bend their stories without reproach, launch a smear campaign against their victims, run away from any responsibility and lie to everyone even more... including themselves. 12-Step addicts know that you must make direct amends. Of course, some hide behind the step that says "unless to do so would cause more harm." In this case the cheater convinces themselves it would harm the victim even more. Baloney. The truth is not only a great leveler but also a great healer. In fact, new programs for restorative justice bring some prison inmates together with their victims which has been proven to be very healing for both of them. So, think about it: if you internet predators, cheaters and abusers truly want to mend your ways then trying to erase what you did online by creating new identities and blocking victims isn't the solution, is it?
Article comments
1 - texanrose
Gee, that opens up another way that we could be victimized again, however, I do believe that victims of these type of predators should be allowed a voice. It is ok to print the all ready public stuff such as the criminal backgrounds as that is all public anyway. However, it takes common sense not to publish the addresses or phone numbers of the predators, think in my opinion of the law, they are protected. We as victims need to change the laws, so that if predators find their victims on the internet, they should be banned from ever using a computer again, or any form of communication that will allow them to find a victim. Remember I became a victim through the United States Postal System. The good old snail mail approach. Sometimes the laws will never cover what they need to cover, and predators being predators will always find a loophole. We need to continue to educate the public so that there will be less victims, and more justice.
2 - Purple Tigress
I don't believe the Web site allows the publication of addresses and phone numbers. This isn't the only site and this site doesn't post photos. I know of another Web site where photos can be posted.
The laws about defamation of character, slander and libel require that the information be untrue, the person targeted have his/her reputation seriously damaged and that person must not be a public figure.
The Web site in question doesn't seem to allow for outside search (in other words, allowing the names of the cheaters to be subject to key word searches). So the exposure to peers that would constitute damage isn't there.
I think something that might be more open to litigation would be the sale of photos of ex-girlfriends on eBay. The sale of images for profit usually requires a signed release form.
3 - Fighter
the following websites are "exposure sites." some, I noted DO allow for a person's information (not the ones mentioned in the article)
datingpsychos.com
ripoffreport.com
also if you surf someone's nickname, sometimes their real name can be found and a quick perusal thru zabasearch or bigyellow can pretty much tell you anything you want to know.
4 - Ann
Wow!! Great article - a lot of things I never really thought about or paid much attention to!
5 - OneOfSeven
Fantastic article and it will be quite interesting to see how this all plays out. When exposing the psychopath/sociopath, abuser, cheater, bigamist, the con artist---keep in mind the definitions of defamation, slander, and libel. If you expose, be prepared to back up your statements with court documentation and other concrete evidence of the abuser's behavior. And let us not forget the rights given to us under the First Amendment of the US Constitution....VERY IMPORTANT!
6 - Shelly
I love the article! It is so true when she asks "What are we to do with our pain?" Many people don't understand the agony that a victim goes through without closure. On our site, we talk about closure in our free turtorial--there is conceptual closure (the ideal kind) and retrobutive closure (the kind that makes you feel great and requires nothing from the abuser). These exposure sites are the second kind. Go check it out.
Thanks Fighhter for a great article.
7 - Charlie
You are completely off base, my current wife is pissed off about a post about myself by a vindictive ex, that I had arrested because she's a psycho. If you support these kind of people, and the lies they spread, then you are one too. I'm seriously considering filing suit, because everything taht was said about me was a lie, nothing can be proved, however I can prove the obosite, court records and arrest records don't lie.
8 - Jane
Great article! The owners of websites like womansavers.com and bashmyex.com are not liable because they are not the authors. If untruths are posted, it is up to the accused party to prove what the author wrote is false. These types of websites are protected under 1996 Communications Decency Act and also the First Amendment, Freedom of Speech.
9 - Anonymous
This site allows pictures to be posted, however they post pictures of the women their ex's lied to as well. Most of the posts are vicious, lies and the mods back up the ones that have been cheated on. Names and names of towns/cities are posted with the pictures, as well as places these people can be found. This opens a can of worms. If the posted person (usually a woman)not the man that cheated, where to be hurt or killed, who is liable. Where is thier protection under law. Because the spouse cheated, does that make it ok for the other person to be victimized either by the spouse that feels justified by their actions because they are angry and hurt? Last time I checked you cant batter someone or hit someone because you are angry. So, it is lawful to put them and possible family members in jeopardy? I would hope in this country it is not the case.
10 - Anonymous
cheaternews.com is allowing women to become endangered.
11 - TordBoontje
I found this site reading a profile posted for Phil Kassel on Don't Date Him Girl. This site does a great service and empowers women to stay safe and protect themselves from men who abuse women even through the church.
12 - Doug
It's the new companion to online dating. Its a shame that someone's history can be plastered all over the web but women need to know about men who abuse women. I'm a guy and I am friends with all women I have dated. Things ended on good terms and with men of character the woman doesn't end up despising the ex. I have a friend that was posted and although he will never admit it he deserves to be posted for what he did.
13 - Slinky
Thanks for great information. Phil Kassel and other abusers need to be exposed so that women can see the warning signs and avoid being mistreated.