God did not want me to ask why He had done this to me. He did not want me to confess my miserable life. He did not want me to seek a ministry in my pain. What he wanted me to understand was that each and every minute of my life required the support of God's powerful hand. I literally could not take a breath, or walk a step without Him.
Since that time, I have not healed. In fact my health has declined, and each new diagnosis brings me closer to my own mortality. I am, however, more able to deal with what each day brings. I do not struggle against God asking why, but rather work with God asking how.
I look back at that time of darkness in my life with some regret. I spent a lot of time spinning against God's will by trying to answer questions that were irrelevant. I will continue to struggle against God with my sinful nature. I will also require more lessons in life that will hone my walk as a Christian. But I am determined now more than ever to lean on Him for each answer.
Perhaps what I have gone through is something everyone with chronic illness will have to, but if I can save any of you the frustration of this journey, in these few words, then my time has not been wasted.
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them...yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me"
1 Corinthians 15:10
Signed,
A Simple Christian
Article comments
1 - Yvonne
Dear Keith,
Thank-you for sharing your journey so far.
I found your blog while preparing for a bible study on 'when life hurts' for a youth camp in Zimbabwe where i am from.
I would like to share your story with them- i hope that is ok?! It has really impacted me and i am sure it will impact the teenagers who may be wrestling with God and issues right now or in the future.
I have been wrestling with God since my father died in 2007(I dont know if he was saved) and asking 'why' and other questions that i still do not have the answers to but God has given me a peace that i do not understand and is not logical to me cause my questions are still unanswered and will probably never be answered this side of heaven.
I pray that God gives you the grace that you need from day to day.
In Him,
Yvonne
2 - steve
Keith,
Your experience is very touching. As you are well aware, you are not alone in your suffering. Yes, it does seem unfair. Others that have suffered similarly have become angry with Jehovah because he has not answered them in a manner that they like. They have gone as far to declare that there is no God, or if he does exist, he does not care about us. But I assure that Jehovah is aware of the suffering of mankind and is going to end pain and suffering. He understands better than anyone. I know it may seem strange, but Jehovah has feelings too (Prov. 11:27; Gen 6:5-6; Ps 78:38-41). It pained him very deeply to see his son Jesus brutally murder.
Though one prays to the Jehovah and even in the right manner, his prayer may not be answered because he must also pray on the right matters. To be answered, prayer must be in harmony with the divine will. All prayer not in harmony with Jehovah’s purposes, as revealed in his Word the Bible, will go unanswered.
Many of the answers we seek are already answered in God’s word the Bible. For our prayers to be favorably heard, we must not reject the counsel of God’s Word. “Whatever we ask we receive from him,” wrote the apostle John, “because we are observing his commandments and are doing the things that are pleasing in his eyes.” (1 John 3:22) The challenge is to accept what the Bible says. Jehovah wants you to know him in an intimate way. The best way to get started is by reading his word daily with a sincere heart. Many have read the Bible but have not applied the principles to their lives. As a result, they blame Jehovah for the bad consequences of their choices.
Placing the proper evaluation on communicating with Jehovah will aid your supplication to a righteous course, while at the same time not expecting a spectacular answer to every request. In fact, one may need to exercise much patience when one is under trial or chastisement, in waiting for an answer. One should never underrate the power of prayer, but, rather, should show a “waiting attitude” with confident expectation, as expressed by the prophet Micah, that “my God will hear me.” (Mic. 7:7).
Truly we are living in the most demanding time of all human history. The pressures of living in Satan’s world are increasing as we get deeper into the time of the end. Remember, like a hunting lion, the Devil waits for us to grow weary and give up so he can take advantage of us as easy prey. How thankful we can be that Jehovah gives to the tired one power (Isaiah 40:29-31).
3 - Keith Brenneis
Yvonne,
Please forgive me for not responding sooner. I have been going through somewhat of a down time. I greatly appreciate your feedback from my blog.
It has always been my hope this, and any other writing I do can service some type of inspiration for others experiencing the day-to-day pain, fatigue, and soul wearying journey that comes with chronic illness.
Yours in Jesus Christ,
A Simple Christian.