God did not want me to ask why He had done this to me. He did not want me to confess my miserable life. He did not want me to seek a ministry in my pain. What he wanted me to understand was that each and every minute of my life required the support of God's powerful hand. I literally could not take a breath, or walk a step without Him.
Since that time, I have not healed. In fact my health has declined, and each new diagnosis brings me closer to my own mortality. I am, however, more able to deal with what each day brings. I do not struggle against God asking why, but rather work with God asking how.
I look back at that time of darkness in my life with some regret. I spent a lot of time spinning against God's will by trying to answer questions that were irrelevant. I will continue to struggle against God with my sinful nature. I will also require more lessons in life that will hone my walk as a Christian. But I am determined now more than ever to lean on Him for each answer.
Perhaps what I have gone through is something everyone with chronic illness will have to, but if I can save any of you the frustration of this journey, in these few words, then my time has not been wasted.
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them...yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me"
1 Corinthians 15:10
A Simple Christian