INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE UPCOMING ELECTION
Greetings, my fellow Iraqi citizens.
As you know, the ongoing reconstruction of our nation is making great progress under the auspices of the Nice American Soldiers.
As you also know, the first free democratic election in Iraqi history will occur in a few weeks. This election is the culmination of the American Liberation, and will be the final act before these 150,000 American soldiers go home happy with the knowledge that they left Iraq much better than when they found it.
Phase One, as you will remember, amounted to their glorious arrival — amid showers of kisses and flowers, by the way — in Baghdad — followed by the highly orchestrated photo-op toppling of Saddam's statue live on American TV.
Placing the American flag on Saddam's statue, as you recall, was a bit of ad hoc improv by a soldier who went ‘off-script’ — as they say in Hollywood. The American marketing people immediately recognized the faux pas inherent in that gesture, and it was quickly corrected by placing an Iranian flag over the statue — both of which unfortunately disappeared during the subsequent nation-wide looting that followed.
(Oh well, Democracy, as President Bush is so fond of saying — is "Hard Work.")
Phase Two, as you recall, was the above-mentioned nation-wide looting, which allowed thirty years of anti-Baathist sentiment to be expressed over a few violent, anarchic days. It was what the Americans call "stress-release" — and is thought to be relatively health-inducing — although a side effect turned out to be the loss of humanity's collection of Babylonian and Assyrian relics... plus the entire infrastructure of our humble nation.
Oh well, on to Phase Three.
Phase Three, as you remember, occurred in July of 2004, with the long awaited gesture known as "turning over sovereignty to the Iraqis." This "Sovereignty" was touted as an effective solution to the death squads, beheadings, bombings, and anarchy which were running so rampant in our newly liberated nation.
Sovereignty meant that Iraqi army, Iraqi police, civic workers, and general public could now share in the sacrifices the American soldiers were making for our glorious, freedom-loving democracy. In other words, everyone — no matter what their job or nationality — could now die by a violent act for abstract American ideals that were probably impossible to attain.
And as you know, sovereignty was very effective in this regard. Earlier, those sacrifices had been made very ineffectively — at least from a numerical and resource allocation standpoint. Before July of '03, sacrifices for Democracy were made a person at a time — through inefficient kidnappings and beheadings.