“If you loved your son...”
I’m seldom speechless, but this comment from a dear friend of mine caught me so unaware I could do nothing but stare.
My old friend is a committed liberal. I’m fairly conservative in my views. We’ve had some far-ranging and generally civil and enjoyable debates over the years and never let it become personal.
Until yesterday.
We were debating the war in Iraq — should we stay, should we go, should we be there at all? I told him about a lady I’ve corresponded with whose son died in Iraq, how deeply it touched me to speak with her, how much I respected her family, and how their courage and faith inspired me.
He looked over at me and said, “Their son died for nothing, and if you loved your son, you wouldn’t let him die for nothing.”
If you loved your son.
As soon as the words left his mouth he fell silent and hung his head. I didn’t, couldn’t, say a word. I just set my coffee cup on the counter and stood to leave. “Donnie, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to have that sound like it did. I’m sorry.”
I walked away from my friend, but his words stayed in my mind. I was hurt by what he said but more hurt by the casual way he’d said it.
After all these years, my friend doesn’t know me.
He sees only the smiling, happy-go-lucky side of me. The joke-telling, laughing, smart-aleck Irish side that looks for the humor in life’s trials.
He’s never seen the other side.
I don’t talk about the sleepless nights, the tears, the nightmares, the constant worry, the quiet desperation of the father of a warrior.
How many late nights have I sat in my den looking at pictures of my son as a little boy? How many times have my shaking hands set those old photos down because I couldn’t see through my tears? How many prayers begging God to watch over my boy?
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - chantal
At this point, I think most people know someone who has served, or is currently serving in Iraq. But unless that person is your son or daughter, husband or wife, brother or sister, no one can truly understand what it is like to lay awake at night with worry, or to know the cringe of panic felt every time you turn on the news and hear of US soldiers killed in Iraq. The pain felt at holidays, family functions, the longing for your loved one, the incessant worrying, the loneliness felt, are all feeling reserved for those of use with a close loved one 'over there'.
Regardless of politics, all of those feelings are real, and haunt us all day, every day, until our soldier, our Marine, our precious family member has safely returned. No one has the right to belittle any of these feelings.
Regardless of politics, Americans volunteer for military service for varying reasons: to fulfill a life-ling dream, to follow in a father's footsteps, to pay for education, to provide for their family, to escape a life with little hope, to create a new life, to serve their country.
When putting your life on the line, 'politics' is the furthest thing from your mind.
Your friend, regardless of politics, was crude and insensitive, and owes you, your son, your family, and every family member of a service man or woman who has served in Iraq, a huge apology.
As the wife of a soldier who risked his life in Iraq for over a year, my feelings were hurt, too, by your friend's remark.
2 - Donnie Marler
Chantal,
I hope your husband is home as we write. Thank him for his service for me, please. And thank you for such a thoughtful comment.
3 - brad schader
I am sorry your friend made that statement. I do not support the war in Iraq either, but I do not for a second think the troops are anything less than heroic for their sacrifice and that their parents love them more than life itself. I wish we could discuss the merits of the action without feeling the need to attack eachtother on a personal level. It saddens me more than the loss of life that the war brings because we are the ones making their loss for nothing. We are allowing our country to be broken apart over this war and that is not right. That is not what the thousands of people over the last 240 years have died for. They died so we can disucss and debate rationally and do it while still remaining countrymen.
Thank you for writing this. I know it must have been hard, but it remind everyone of the parents sitting at home who can do nothing but wait and pray.
My prayers are with you, your son, and everyone else in your position. I am sorry for your friend's words.
4 - Jeff Martin
People need to strike the balance between disapproving of the war and still supporting the soldiers. For me, the execution of the war by the government has become something I can't agree with, but Donnie, I support you and your son. I thank him for his service to the country and wish him safe harbor until his can return home.
5 - Donnie Marler
Thanks Brad, I appreciate the thoughtful comments.
6 - Donnie Marler
Jeff, well said, a lot of people need to realize demonizing the troops isn't getting the job done. Less politics and more concentration on the mission itself will get the job done.
7 - SFC SKI
Great article. Outside of the small community of military families, very few Americans know anyone in the service. I guess "American Idol" is more personal to them.
8 - Donnie Marler
It truly is a remarkable family, Ski. A community of people there for each other, politics be damned, through everything.
9 - Eric Olsen
stunning Donnie - thanks so much for sharing something so personal and powerful and I wish there were easy answers. Only the best to you and your family.
10 - PJ
I think what your friend meant to say, and what I'll echo is, "As you love your son, don't let him die for nothing," because he feels, as I and many others do, that this administration is needlessly sacrificing brave men and women in a misguided war. I don't question whether you love your son; I question how, given that, that you can not also oppose the war.
Your friend's verbal misstep reminds me of a story about Richard Feynman, a Nobel prize winning physicist, who was in Washington DC and began to understand the temptations to corruption and influence that were all around. Wondering how to survive in such an environment, he innocently asked someone he knew to be a man of integrity, "How does a man of integrity survive in Washington?". Said 'man of integrity' took this as a question of his integrity instead of the intended question of how he'd pulled it off, and got quite upset.
11 - Donnie Marler
Thank you, Eric. It's difficult to put yourself out there, to let your deepest emotions show, but I wanted to share this.
I hope, as people read this story, they'll think of our troops and their families, and maybe say a little prayer.
12 - Sean
It is supporting the troops to protest against this war. These two things are the same in this case.
13 - Donnie Marler
PJ, I understand in my heart what my friend meant to say. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I would say to him, and you, I don't live my son's life, I don't make his decisions, and I didn't choose his path.
My son believes in this country, and it's people, with everything he has. He believes he is defending our land. I stand by him, no matter what.
The very fact that we can debate the right or wrong of our government proves he is fighting for something worth saving.
14 - Benjamin Cossel
If the Vietnam war was the first one to be broadcast 24-7 into our homes and lives, then I just don't know what to think about this war. I was there, I served, I saw my fair share of shit but what completely and absolutely amazed me was the utter dissconnect between those who'd gone and those back home. There is no war-effort this go round, no real sacrifices being made for the cause to a large majority of people out there, this war is something like a movie or TV program. God bless you and your son and may he and all his comrades come home safe.
15 - Donnie Marler
Sean,
I don't believe the people that are protesting are anti-American or anti-military.
One can certainly support the troops while opposing the war itself. That's democracy.
16 - Donnie Marler
Benjamin,
Thank you for your service and your kind words. I've often felt like the military is at war but the country isn't. I don't know how accurate that is, but it's just how I feel.
17 - paul
I'm sorry your friendship was hurt (ruined?) over your friend's obvious insensitivity. I’m sorry his apology was not enough to undo the hurtful sentence he spoke.
I have conservative friends who equate any spoken disapproval of the war in Iraq with "being a traitor to America" or "not supporting our troops". Essentially lumping me and the 60+ percent majority of Americans who do not support the war in Iraq as somehow less patriotic.
As I was reading your story, it did occur to me to ask you what lesson you would wish I take away from it:
a) your story is a personal tale of how one friend's misspoken words ended a friendship
b) your story is a moral that anti-war liberals are, in general, represented by the behavior your friend displayed towards you
c) your story illustrates how the Iraq War conflict is dividing America into camps who cannot communicate"much less be friends"with each other
I believe it is (A), but I see how (B) and (C) can be inferred too.
18 - Donnie Marler
Paul,
I'm sure our friendship will survive, I believed him when he said it hadn't come out right. I just felt I needed to walk away before I said something I'd have regretted deeply.
I know my friend is a patriotic man, we just differ in our opinions on certain things.
What would I want people to take away from it? Nothing more than 'think before you speak.' I would never advocate silence, but let's try to maintain a civil discourse as we disagree with each other.
19 - Gary
For a father who loves his son, it makes little difference whether the war is just & noble or misguided. It would bring me little solice to know that my son died for a noble cause vs. a stupid accident. For every soldier lost, there is a family bearing unbearable grief.
How do we support the brave volunteer military who deserve our gratitude when we believe the mission is misguided and mismanaged?
Soldiers must follow their leaders. Civilians must question their leaders.
We must come together in these scary times and not question the love of our children or of our country. Too many brave soldier have died in the building of this country for us to lose it by fighting amonst ourselves. Our biggest enemy may be those who profit by dividing us into 'blue' or 'red' camps and selling hatred on TV and radio.
20 - Donnie Marler
Thank you, Gary. Well said.
21 - Noir
I lost a friend during the first Gulf War because I said he was going to war for oil. I am sorry your friend wasn't able to properly filter his thoughts, but I would hope you wouldn't judge his mistatement and ruin your friendship over a flippant remark. Because you love your son, you need to fight to bring him home from this illegal war. Because you love your son, you need to be aware of how the media is manipulating you and trying to brainwash you into supporting this war. Because you love your son, you need to take Bush's words and thoroughly analyze them. Because you love your son, you need to honor him by fighting to stop this wrong war.
22 - Zach Baker
Donnie-
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm thankful and grateful there are people like you and your son out there.
God bless.
23 - Donnie Marler
Thanks, Zach. Much appreciated.
24 - Donnie Marler
Noir,
I respect your opinion, but as I said in an earlier comment, I didn't choose my son's path. He is serving his country, that's what he chose, that's what he believes in. I'll back him all the way.
I'm afraid it's going to be a very long time before we know peace again, regardless of which party is in office.
25 - Joan Hunt
Donnie, God bless your son, your family, and all those who live the military life. And thank you for sharing your story.
I'm glad your friend apologized right after he said what he did, but I'm still horrified that he even let those words slip out of his mouth.
I'm tired of the military, conservatives (in general), or anyone who displays an American flag being the target of insensitive commentary and condemnation. It's time for anyone who feels glib or superior to stop and think for a moment or two to think before they speak and consider there's a PERSON on the receiving end of their latest bon mot.