Every once in a while, if the puppy is sleeping somewhere and I hear the humans coming in the door, I’ll scamper into the kitchen and pee on the floor myself. Guess who gets blamed? Not me! I’m sitting in the litter box by that time.
I’m sure it’s humiliating enough to have your nose rubbed in your own urine, but I can’t imagine what’s going through the puppy’s head when they rub his nose in the puddle I just made.
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For a while there, it was like I was out on control. All I could think about was the female Siamese I’d sometimes see through the kitchen window as she walked by outside. Then I started spraying uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed and yet I couldn’t help myself.
The humans put me in a box, took me for a ride, then this other human in a white coat forced me to breath this funny smelling gas through a mask.
When I woke up I was at home again, feeling groggy, and damn if my balls didn’t itch. I went to lick them and was horrified to discover…
…I’m sorry. It’s just too painful to finish the story. Maybe later.
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I don’t do tricks. It’s not that I can’t be taught - because I can be. It’s just that I don’t give a shit and have better things to do with my time.
Teach the dog - he’s one of those people pleaser-types and will do most anything for a milk bone. What a whore!
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I have claws and, quite honestly, I always did think that overstuffed chair was ugly. You figure it out.
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I don’t know what those humans were doing in that room last night, because I couldn’t jiggle the door open, but they sounded like two cats in heat. Things are back to normal this morning so, whatever it was, I guess they fixed the problem.
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That puppy is yap-yap-yapping again. Nobody knows what the hell he wants. Not the humans and certainly not me.
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Goldfish are quite tasty. That’s all I’ll say about that. The humans looked so confused when they noticed the empty fishbowl. I think they suspect me but haven’t said anything yet. Maybe I’m just being paranoid?
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Early in the morning when the sunlight is streaming through the living room window, I’ll lay in the bright patch. I’ll lay on my back, legs outstretched, leaving my belly exposed.
Article comments
1 - parker owens
Thanks for the great laugh! I have a cat character in a series of books I am writing, but she is not very funny. She constantly repeats passages from Sun Tzu's Art of War. Quite a little paranoid obsessive terrorist!
2 - DrPat
it isn’t something you’d want to repeat in front of your mother...
Wonderful! Thanks so much for this!
Coincidentally, "Pete" is also the name of my favorite science-fictional cat.
3 - Tim Hall
If a cat really blogged, it would read something like
21/04/05
sdcsdl ssdl p;fhokmdkmpoas mks,ma ,m,m,masaosdl,asof,h[;fs
22/04/05
esdfjhltj yuhtgdsl;.tyj yuijjiiiii iiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiii
23/04/05
agvsvcvcvgcvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvv eweffffffff fffffffffffffffilkpl kkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkk
I once had a cat that played the piano. He used to walk up and down the keyboard.
4 - sydney
If cat's could type, I think they'd tell us all about the need for a little relaxation.