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I don’t know if my mother is alive or dead or what happened to my brothers and sisters. One day I was suckling at her nipple and, before I realized what was happening, I was ripped away and found myself alone here with these humans.
I suffer from separation anxiety and have abandonment issues. I’m trying to work through these problems as best I can.
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I hate when they pet me but sometimes they seem so lonely and starved for affection I let them do it anyway. I fake contentment by making this purring noise. I can’t believe they buy it.
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If that neighbor kid comes over to visit one more time and starts pulling my tail again, I’m gonna fuck him up. Mark my words.
Let’s see how tough that punk is after I scratch his eyes out.
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I’ve learned how to open most doors inside the house by slipping my paw under it and jiggling real hard. Sometimes, however, it doesn’t work. I think it has something to do with knobs and locks but I haven’t quite figured it out. All I need is patience and a little more time. Soon the house will be mine!
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Sometimes I feel the need to run. God help anybody or anything that gets in my way. I’m not headed anywhere in particular, I’m just letting off steam. I’m a cat. It’s what I do. Don’t try to understand it. I don’t fully understand it myself. Learn to accept it. I have.
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They brought home a puppy. Those traitorous bastards.
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Oh the fun I’ve been having with the puppy when the humans are away! He’s slow and not too bright. At first I thought they got him to spite me but now realize they did it because, quite frankly, plastic balls with bells inside just weren’t cutting it anymore. It only took them like forever to figure that out.
Sometimes I’ll corner him in the kitchen, raise the fur on my back and make the most god-awful racket until he pees on the floor. It usually doesn’t take very long. Shame is a powerful motivator so, in most cases, he’s still cowering behind the living room couch when the humans get home. They start yelling and carrying on, all the while I sit in a nearby chair — laughing inside.
Article comments
1 - parker owens
Thanks for the great laugh! I have a cat character in a series of books I am writing, but she is not very funny. She constantly repeats passages from Sun Tzu's Art of War. Quite a little paranoid obsessive terrorist!
2 - DrPat
it isn’t something you’d want to repeat in front of your mother...
Wonderful! Thanks so much for this!
Coincidentally, "Pete" is also the name of my favorite science-fictional cat.
3 - Tim Hall
If a cat really blogged, it would read something like
21/04/05
sdcsdl ssdl p;fhokmdkmpoas mks,ma ,m,m,masaosdl,asof,h[;fs
22/04/05
esdfjhltj yuhtgdsl;.tyj yuijjiiiii iiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiii
23/04/05
agvsvcvcvgcvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvv eweffffffff fffffffffffffffilkpl kkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkk
I once had a cat that played the piano. He used to walk up and down the keyboard.
4 - sydney
If cat's could type, I think they'd tell us all about the need for a little relaxation.