I miss him.
There's a little space in me that's deceivingly small-looking; it looks tiny until you get inside. When you go in it's huge. Because how I love him is huge. Gargantuan. Colossal. It's like the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory door. It looks small and you have to duck to go in, but inside is this wonderful place that someone could only think of when they were high or dreaming or really sleepy. That space is his. It will always be his.
My friends all say I need to buck up. I need to focus on me and my life. It's your typical angsty Kelly Clarkson song. In reality I think they just hate seeing me so depressed, even though I put on a great act. I was, after all, the head flying monkey in Wizard of Oz, in the senior musical.
Yet for some reason it's hard to act when you still feel so empty. It's not a void you can fill with friends. With new suitors. With harmless flirting with that cute guy who sits behind you in Communication Research Methods class. Not even with good Mexican food. It's a specific void. It's a bitch of a void. It's his void.
I still stand by my statement of, "I'll be okay on my own. I'm a big girl and I can make it just fine and we'll just be friends, and I can still be happy," because that's true. I am happy. I'm just fine. But I need to make an addendum: I will be okay on my own. I'm a big girl and I can make it just fine and we'll just be friends and I can still be happy. But I don't want to make it just fine when you're gone. Sometimes I'd rather act like a three-year-old and throw a fit because I don't have him around.
Sometimes I'd just rather not even have to try and make it alone.
Because I like things with him around. A lot.
I miss him. I really miss him.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Trinket
Aww Chelsea I hurt just reading this. Just know that every single one of us reading has been there or will be & sometimes there's a teeny bit of comfort in numbers. Hugs.
2 - Sister Ray
I didn't know you were at Purdue. I'm just down the road in Indianapolis (I know you don't really care right now, but I'm making conversation to distract you from your understandable sadness). I've enjoyed your columns here and wish you well.
My advice is to throw yourself into as many worthwhile distractions as possible. Take advantage of being on a college campus with all its events and activities.
And listen to better music than Kelly Clarkson :->. Seek out some record store geek types and ask them for suggestions.
3 - Matthew Milam
Sorry you feel sad, hope you get better.
4 - swingingpuss
As Scarlett said- Tomorrow is another day. Life goes on and you too will move on. Hang in there:)
5 - Victor Lana
Each loss in life is a little death, but the cool thing is that there is always renewal. Find comfort in other things you love: friends, chocolate, writing, and music.
It's easy to say and hard to do; I know. I've been there too many times to think differently, yet it always comes around, even if it takes a long, long time.
Hang in there, Chelsea!
6 - trooper_D
The same can happen to a guy as well. I was heart broken for awhile, until I finally found someone who had taken away my hurt. When she came along, I just had to release my previous love from my heart and move on.
I hope that you will find another to replace your hurt. And if you do, grab onto him and don't let him go.
7 - hawaiian_son
You say you miss him, yet, you don't state much about the facts as to why.
Did he leave you for another or because you nagged him to cut his long hair? Did you leave him because you wanted your own space? It sounds to me that both of you had a wonderful and beautiful relationship, yet, you broke up. Don't want to sound mean, but that just doesn't sound right. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to reconcile with you yet, to see if there was a chance to save the relationship.
I understand that you're hurting inside. But in order for me to fully understand the big picture, I'd like to know the facts before I give pity where it's due.
Call me a meanie, but that's just the way I am. Sorry...
8 - statingtheobvious
Anyone who's a regular on BC can tell you who this is about, hawaiian_son. Everyone knows Chelsea Snyder and Matt Sussman are/were the First Couple of Blogcritics.
9 - Aaman
The First Couple of Blogcritics are Eric Olsen and Dawn Olsen, IMHO, although sweethearts are always popular
10 - Matthew T. Sussman
Let's just say this situation is a two-way street between Chelsea and me. The sentiments are echoed from this side of the fence. And when/if the time comes that life allows us to be together, we will. I miss her too.
11 - hawaiian_son
Matt - Both of you state that you miss each other dearly, yet nothing is being done to reconcile the situation. Is the relationship that far from hope? What's up with that, dude? From what I've read, both of you really had something going for each other. What gave out?
If neither of you are planning to get back together, or at least try to, then move on with your lives, forget one another and the past. Move one foot in front of the other and keep going. You are only hurting each other if you keep walking backwards and nothing is done.
I may sound like an a**, but life is reality and not fantasy. Stop playing with each other's heart and giving false hope to one another. If you're gonna cut the ties, then do it. If you're gonna seek greener pastures elsewhere, then do it.
Both of you are adults, not children. Make something happen with this already. If not, then move on. I give no pity where none is deserved. Sorry.
12 - chantal stone
hawaiian_son....i don't believe that 'pity' is what's warranted in this situation. sometimes relationships just end, for any number of reasons, whether it be amicably or not. there comes a point where two adults can agree that it's simply time to move on, even though they continue to carry feelings for each other.
it's my belief that Chelsea and Matt will certainly get over this, move on and most importantly LEARN from their shared experience. we are only outsiders looking in, and Chelsea has graciously allowed us a peak into her beautiful soul. we can't judge, we have no idea the details of her break-up, and it's not necessary for us to know either.
i wish both Chelsea and Matt all the best. break-ups are never pretty, but eventually, broken-hearts mend and often we are stronger for it.
13 - Chelsea Snyder
It's usually against my personal policy to comment in my own threads, but hawaiian_son, Chantal Stone is absolutely correct. I did not write this as a "Dear Diary" -- I am too old to detail sad, pathetic breakups surrounded by broken hearts and CS+MS. I presented this as a writer, putting forth a work that I felt an audience could read, relate to, etc.
Both Matt and I have chosen to keep the details of this private, and continue to have a close personal and professional relationship. No pity is necessary because I never asked for it.
It's a work of literature -- albeit personal -- no more, no less. But thank you for the reminder that I'm an adult. I'll be sure to tell that to my landlord next time I pay rent.
14 - hawaiian_son
Chelsea - Sorry if I seemed so crude, I just thought both you and Matt were hoping for reconciliation. My apologies.
And I wasn't trying to pry information out of both of you either. I just figured you both wanted to get back together. But as chantel said, sometimes relationships do end for the good of both parties involved.
It just saddened me to read that both of you had something wonderful to have it end so prematurely. But I can now see that because your love for each other is so great, that the separation must've been painful for both of you. Yes... in time, both of your hearts will heal and both of you will eventually move on with life. I hope that you will find what you seek, and when you do, hold it dear to your hearts.
Now if I can just get my size 11 out of my mouth... :P
15 - Christopher Rose
Chelsea, whilst you're re-building your life, so to speak, maybe you should have another little think about your attitude to taking part in the comments that attach to your work.
Isn't it a little like some star blanking their adoring fans? And seriously missing at least part of the point about what distinguishes blogs in all their variety (from the shimmering fabulousness that is Blogcritics to the most intimate personal catblog on through dull business sites and the blogshops) from other types of media?
*borrows hawaiian_son's size 11s just in case*
16 - Michael J. West
Every line of this one hurt.
17 - Chelsea Snyder
Christopher -- it's not a "snub", so to speak. I actively read the forums (and oftentimes flame wars) that revolve around my posts. I enjoy any feedback I get and I love seeing what people have to say. I guess it's sort of like one of my good friends who is in culinary school -- I make something, put it in front of you, and say, "Enjoy." Then I sit back and have a beer. (Actually, I really do that.)
I just never feel like I really have anything beneficial to add; naturally, I think what I write is the shit, so I'm only going to get defensive if someone stands up to it, and honestly, what good does that do? If clarifications are needed, I give them. Otherwise I just kind of open up the circus tent and enjoy the show from the wings.
18 - Christopher Rose
I know what you mean, Chelsea, but I tend to agree with whoever it was that wrote
Oh wait, that was me!
19 - A.L. Harper
Chris -
Let Chelsea alone. If she doesn't want to get she doesn't have to. It's her choice.
Chelsea -
I feel your loss. And I fear it. Not being sure what I want right now in my own life - feelings like the ones you described above are keeping me in a relationship that I think is on the wane. But maybe it's just me - he doesn't think there is anything wrong. He thinks we're fine. I'm afraid to leave and find out he was right.
20 - Rodney Welch
Oh, children, behave.
21 - Christopher Rose
Oi, A.L., I don't believe anything I wrote was particularly naggy and Chelsea can more than handle a little whippersnapper like me!
22 - John Spivey
Strictly from the writers point of view...
If you write a piece that mostly elicits sympathy for the writer, then you have failed your task as a writer.
js
23 - Chelsea Snyder
But JS, just for the sake of conversation, does one still fail as a writer if one's intention was NOT to elicit sympathy?
24 - Chelsea Snyder
Damnit Christopher Rose, look what you have me doing. I was perfectly fine being aloof and NOW look what you made me do. ;)
25 - John Spivey
Chelsea,
That's where craft comes in. First you have to know what your intent really is. I always have in mind the essence of what i'm trying to communicate. If I tell a story about myself I actually want the readers to find a revelation about themselves. Odds are you won't get to where you want to go if you don't know what or where it is. If you don't get that response you intended, then why? Where did it go astray? Read your work again with fresh eyes, keeping in mind what the responses were. Detach and be an editor. Try again, and again and again. I used to have an old Chinese T'ai Chi master in his eighties. As we left class all he would say in his broken English was, "Practice, practice." It took me ten damn years to write that book between practicing at writing and practicing at life.
js