Years ago, when I was wasting away in loneliness and depression in Oxford, I struggled with God and the Christian idea of the Incarnation. I raged for days and nights, feeling sorry for myself about people who screwed me over for no reason, wondering why Christ wanted those self-righteous fucks in his fold. I was the ruined byproduct of church politics. I am the very embodiment of the Incarnation in that I accept people the way they are and I go down to their level.
Having never vocalized these sentiments, it's pure horror reading them.
But you know what? Given the same conditions, I am really no different than those people I despised back then. I'm no longer a broken mess. I'm a fairly successful guy in my late 20s with a lot going on. I couldn't take the heat on the day of the meeting with Her, so I did the normal thing and ducked. And hid. And stayed away until I got myself in a state to be able to confront Her and the situation again. This is the new loss for me, loss where I'm the perpetrator against well-meaning people who end up wanting to have nothing to do with me. This is not me. I'm the one people screw over. I'm the one people leave for no reason. This is not how it's supposed to be, but this is the new loss. Loss only for me because in society's terms, this is you the asshole, Midiane.
But life doesn't work like that, especially with people who already have reservations about you. I got an email from Her business partner within a day or two of the missed meeting. I didn't read it until two or three weeks later. But it said what would be expected: the project is off and you will be paid for whatever you completed. You were unprofessional and rude, and treated us like garbage.
It's another horror as I grow up and as I come to terms with the fact that I will never speak to Her again in any semblance of friendship. I lost a friend yesterday, but really I lost her on the day I didn't show up for the meeting and the days after, when I escaped from her.
You can't really end a post like this in any shade of positivity. So here...it ends.