Author's Note: People fucking HATE this essay. I don't really know why; it's just satire. I'm not actually calling for the systematic execution of all mothers. I'm not looking to start a revolution. I'm not asking snipers to start picking them off as they line up to Pilates classes with little tots in tow. Still people think I'm the devil for having written it. I guess something or other about the sanctity of Motherhood, and the price of raising our future leaders and the toll of the strain on women's bodies and BLAH BLAH BLAH, I dunno I wasn't listening. Ah well, enjoy. And Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you.
I hate mothers.
I mean, I don’t hate my mother (at least not now) and I probably don’t hate your mother (unless you’re my old friend Joe from 5th grade. His mom was really a screaming bitch.) And my sister’s a mother. I like her too but she’s kind of a crazy ass bitch, even tho I can’t really say that ‘cause she reads these things.
No, I hate new mothers. Bright and shiny mothers, fresh from the birthing chambers mothers, endorphin charged, plastic smiles firmly in place, tits still full with milk mothers. I hate these mothers. I know: “That’s horrible. Who could hate mothers?” And “Motherhood is the most noble profession.” And lastly “But…but, I’m one of these mothers! You don’t hate me do you?”
Yes. Yes, I do.
Now, I’m no fan of bellyfruit to begin with, but I don’t hate babies. They’re not my thing certainly, but I’m ok with them. For the most part babies don’t fuck with me and I don’t fuck with them. They don’t know what the fuck is going on and they’re just trying to do their thing, which consists mostly of eating and pooping. Understood - so does mine. My major beef with babies is the yelling and the crying, which is pretty fucking obnoxious. If they could get that part a bit more under control then I’d be cool with them all together. You’re sitting in a restaurant trying to enjoy your meal or your girlfriend or wife or whatever, and then out of nowhere, “AAAAHHHHHHH!” Baby crying. Or sitting in a movie theater and the best part comes up “The Killer is… AAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Baby crying. And then these new parents just sit there waiting for the baby to “cry himself out.” They just sit there looking back at you, waiting for you to say some shit so that they can attack you for being insensitive to their baby. Fuck their baby and fuck crying yourself out. I’m not the baby’s father! I didn’t get to fuck anybody! Why the fuck do I have to wait for some fuckin baby to cry itself out? And do babies cry them selves out? ‘Cause every time I see one he’s yelling his ass off. When does that baby cry himself out? Did he forget? Maybe somebody’s not telling babies the baby rules:
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Angie
I don't know if I should laugh or wonder if someone has issues or both. :)
2 - Katharine Donelson
The "crying himself out" thing is part of the reason I've started shopping with my walkman. And, I don't understand why people think they can get away with it in a movie theatre. Children scream, thats what they do, I understand not wanting to miss any of the movie and thats why you hire a babysitter.
3 - jim
If you have kids, take 'em to the matinee. Better yet, wait for the movie to come out on DVD. There really is no excuse for that kind of money wasting enjoyment killing rudeness. None.
4 - SFC SKI
Damn, Let me know you are goingto be in the same theater with squalling brats and I will pay for th sitter.
That is one of the rudest things parents do. When my kids were that age we took them out of the restaurant or theatre when the were crying like that.
Why do people bring small children to R-rated movies, for that matter?
5 - swingingpuss
While travelling on planes the last thing a harried parent needs is dirty looks from an anal weirdo who probably fell from the tree all grown up.
I have been travelling all over the world with my two year old and been given looks from some idiots but mostly got sympathetic from others. Only a sadistic creature could enjoy a child's pain when the plane descends.
I dont find this post in the least bit entertaining. To use words like snuffing, hitting with a brick etc are hate words and what if these words were directed against a community?
I'm going to be a new mom for the secoond time round soon and a motherto a toddler who throws trantrums as kids his age naturally do. I am that mom with the shiny buggy you want to run over or kill.
But guess what? All you can do is rant your foul mouth off and makes jokes in poor taste.
There is dark comdey and then there is offending material. You crossed the line.
6 - SFC SKI
The author did say it was a satire right up front, in the vein of " A Modest Proposal" but rawer.
IF you help women carry their kids on board planes, you get to board earlier.
7 - Aaman
Satire does not mean criminal intent or snuff. This is an objectionable post, not worthy of this fine site. Mothers are a community, perhaps not as protected as others.
Go away, little boy and play in your onanistic, frustrated oedipal sandlot.
8 - Steve S
I gave up on movie theaters years ago because the seats are nothing more than sadistic creations from butthaters.
So I'm curious as to what kind of movies people are having run in's with their kids? R-rated shows? I always pictured that when my daughter was older, maybe taking her to see something like the Princess Diaries or something geared for her age and there probably wouldn't be many childless parents there. Are there THAT many kids at R rated shows? That's just too bad.
I agree with swingingpuss about the presentation. Actually, I didn't bother to read most of it, I don't think I would find comedy in it, but I do know that uncontrollable kids in public places have gotten a well deserved reputation.
Regarding the plane incident, I have a plane incident of my own. My daughter was born on the east coast, I live on the west coast. When she was 6 days old, I flew her home, she was barely bigger than my palm it seems like. (she was normal size but they are just so small when they are born). Because of her age, I got a front row seat on the plane. During transfers when the elderly would get on the plane first, they would pass by me shaking their heads. Not a once, the entire way, on landings or takeoffs or midflight did my daughter ever let out a peep, they only shortchanged themselves and got stuck in the back. That was the first of more than a few experiences of being snubbed in public because I have a child, and it was the first of many experiences I have had since then which I think give me a much better understanding of 'parenthood'.
As a different line of thought, this tendency America has, to not accept responsibility for things (if we spill coffee on ourselves in the car, then we sue the one who served us coffee, etc.), well where do we think this all comes from? Kids getting away with irresponsible behavior in their youth? I don't know, just speculating.
9 - Anna
While I don't agree with some of the solutions presented by the author, I share his sentiment about new parents. If mine are any indication, at least they'll get over it by the second kid. What the author has ascribed to new mothers is public behavior I consider to be rude. Parents need to take more responsibility for their children's behavior in public and be more conscientious of everyone else around them who don't think that little Johnny's temper tantrums in the middle of dinner are that cute.
10 - Eric Berlin
Steve -- I think you're onto something. A lack of rules, responsibility, and discipline do account for a lot of problems in American society, I believe. I'm not calling for buttoned-down 50s-style Eisenhower days, but parents must teach children -- from the youngest of ages -- what is and what is not acceptable.
Of course, the middle of the movie theater is not the time or place. Therefore, parent needs to take responsibility and leave with child.
11 - Jon Sobel
I liked this post quite a bit. My thoughts often run along similar lines, actually, I just don't write them down. It's scary, the evil thoughts that people carry around with them. But what's scarier is that any pervert or serial killer or self-centered jerk or idiot can reproduce, while prospective adoptive parents have to go through the third degree to prove they can provide a good, stable home. People should have to go through that kind of testing before being given a License to Fuck, if you ask me.
12 - -E
Heh, I understand your feelings. But instead of saying I hate mothers, I just turn it to hating children. They're gross and loud and crazy. These days anyway. If I ever THOUGHT about screaming in a restaurant I would have been bent over and spanked until I had a reason to cry and then taken home and sent to my room. It is parents that are having chilrend too young aren't really old enough to take care of themselves yet, let alone a little clone.
And yes, if my friends and I are seated near a table of kids, we look at the host/hostess as if they are crazy and ask to be seated away from children. They always laugh, but our meals are always more enjoyable that way.
13 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
star, a fella doesn't often laugh out loud at net-writings. this had me laughing out loud. many times. something approaching genius, what with that review tucked on the end.
14 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
although i should add that barring the cinema-screaming shenanigans i wish no harm neither physically nor mentally on mothers or their children.
but i still found the ranting nature of this post hilarious.
15 - HW Saxton
Star, I have some very similar opinions
on new mothers myself. I'll admit that I
actually like kids though.It's the damn
mothers that need to be dealt with IMO.
Had a run in at fast food joint just the
other day,when some dim witted "Mommy"
thought she would let her 3 or 4 year
old kid order his own lunch during the
lunch rush. Needless to say this took up
about 10 minutes as she read the menu
over & over while the whiny little brat
complained and tried to make his mind up
about what to grub on. People started to
get rightfully pissed and vocal and the
mommy had a total FIT! How dare we,etc
this is only a baby blahblahblah.Hey its
like this:You've got 30 minutes to drive
around the corner,to eat and get back to
work. This inconsiderate bitch has just
wasted 15 of them for you giving junior
his reading lessons on your time. Folks
WILL get pissed & annoyed.They(the moms)
seem to think that the fucking world is
revolving around them and their kid(s).
I wholly understand where you're coming
from,agree and must say that your post
gave me a couple good deep gut laughs.
Then tacking on the Celine review at the
end,well hey, good job man.
16 - Mark Sahm
There's a time and place for everything new mothers have to do, but I'd agree that some things need to be streamlined... or rather the mother needs to be more responsible in handling it.
This woman and her 3 year old daughter often sit in my train car at night, and the girl just talks or sings to her mom the entire way, but the woman totally ignores her and reads a magazine. Everyone in the car gives the mother the Superman-heat-vision-aka-shut-the-hell-up look, but she does nothing. Every time. I usually have my iPod at 75% volume and I can still hear the girl yapping.
Whatever happened to "Use your indoor voice, honey"? Is that so hard to say?
17 - SphinxMontreal
Like the truth, mothers are over-rated. No such thing as a bad kid, just bad parents.
18 - Star
Wow. Nice to know some things never change.
I don’t really like to over explain this stuff too much, ‘cause you either get it or you don’t, but because the reaction with this essay is always so extreme I’ll give it a shot. It’s incredible; I’ve written some truly outlandish shit before but the second you mention mothers everyone loses their minds. Like I said before, this is just satire. A joke with a dark nature and a little but of a “fuck you“ embedded in it, but that’s all. Nothing is untouchable or infallible. This is why we have wars, because people can’t just relax and “let it be” sometimes. It’s just not that serious. And you should really be careful of your sacred cows, one of them might come back to get you in the night (stupid cows.)
And thanks for pointing out the “Modest Proposal” relationship, SFC SKI. I’ve wanted to do that in the past, but lets be honest:
1. Who’s read “A Modest Proposal”?
2. And I’m not Swift (in more ways than one.)
That having been said, if you got it and thought it was funny, I’m glad. I write for myself but it’s always fun to take someone along on the ride. If you didn’t get it, don’t sweat it. You can hate me all you like. That’s what humorless sons of bitches do. Thanks for all the comments, tho, both fer and agin’. Either perspective is fine.
BTW, as for being Onanistic - hey, who doesn’t like to jerk off? And as to the claim of being Oedipal, who doesn’t love their Mama? Not me.
19 - Al Barger
I am Deeply Offended by this post on behalf of all ignorant red state voters. Against motherhood? Is you some kind of communist, Star?
20 - Star
LOL! Al, that was fantastic. I literally laughed way-out loud. You've got my vote, buddy.
21 - Al Barger
Right back atcha, Star. I just figured you deserved a few encouraging words for giving us such a funny and memorable essay. Good work, and welcome aboard!
22 - bhw
Editorial note: Star, you should probably create a separate post for your book review and post it under Books.
23 - Eric Olsen
whoa, this reminds me of a certain Simpsons episode directed at "breeders"
And bhw is right about a separae post for th ebook review unless there is an underlying connection I am missing.
Regarding the content itself: I'm not sure how Star could have made it anymore explicit that this is a satirical rant and should be judged as such
24 - Dawn
Hey lots of mothers are totally annoying and deserve an evil glare, a stern word, or a less than friendly hand gesture.
Because honestly, lots of kids just suck dirty hose water. Including mine.
I am also all for hyberbole, but man I wouldn't want to be Star the day some prosecutor digs up this post and uses it to sue the beejesus out of her for crossing even a line I wouldn't cross and suggesting people start killing other people for being annoying.
Satire is one thing, but the post would have been MUCH funnier had Star been a little more creative with the language.
You can be funny without being deadly. Sort of like gas.
25 - alienboy
This is a very funny post.
All the objections are almost as funny as well.
Great work, Star, don't let anyone change what you do!