Well this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant! This... This... This is Nazi Germany! — Kirsten Dunst as Amber Atkins, "Dead Drop Gorgeous"
I don't pay much attention to the bulletin boards at school. I don't need a roommate, I don't need tickets to the Kenny Chesney concert, I'm getting erections just fine, and Satan tells me not to join the campus ministry. However, as I was leaving the library yesterday, one poster caught my eye.
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES ...
I might...
TO BE MISS UNIVERSITY?
If it requires a TI-83 calculator and a Snickers bar, then yes.
Smiling on the poster was the apparently-current Miss University, holding a big shiny crown. And truth be told, I like shiny things. That's why I keep Sussman around — the promise of more shiny things.
Beauty pageants are a noble thing. They allow women to display their pride in bathing suits and discuss strategies for world peace involving saving kittens and puppies from bad men, all in the name of scholarship.
Scholarships? Let face it. I've got two years left of college and I'm broke. I can't do too many more wet t-shirt contests for cash before the MC knows my name by heart. Sussman quit paying for sex like, a year ago. And thanks to that pesky court order against me reproducing, I don't think I can sell my eggs for money.
I'm desperate. I'm broke. And I needs to learn me an education.
Okay. I'm game.
So I'm not drop dead gorgeous. I avoid swimsuits like the plague and dresses are probably the next thing on my list of "Things I'd Like to Set on Fire." I really don't have many talents besides sarcasm, and judges aren't going to be wowed by the fact that I can make them resent their own existence.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Jewels
Sonatas and sarcasm, what more does a girl need? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" Trite yet true, and we all get old. At least you have the sonatas and sarcasm, bimbettes with only looks, well, I guess they have botox.
2 - Victor Plenty
Never too late to take karate classes, by the way.
Then if your pageant career doesn't work out quite so well as it should, you'll always have the action movie path as a fallback position.
Good luck with both.
3 - Bob A. Booey
What happened to the time-honored college traditions of stripping (I'm gonna pay my tuition in singles), selling books/plasma/other bodily fluids, surrogate uterus'ing and/or selling one's matching Coach bags?
I had to sell all the books and CDs I had because I was too broke to go home after finals one semester. I made just enough money (something like $30) to buy a bus ticket home and one loaf of wheat bread and a gallon of milk from the local gas station that I subsisted on for three days.
I was able to make a little money as a DJ doing after-hours parties in college, but I wouldn't suggest that because almost everyone spends more money on music than they make on gigs. And people won't want to hear the music you're into anyway that you buy with your own money -- they want to hear the latest bad rap song like "Don't U Wish Your Girl Wuz a Freak Like Me."
I think your piece was satire, but I'm pretty dumb lately about knowing what is and isn't.
If you're serious about the beauty pageant thing, you only get money if you win and not that much either. You'll probably spend way more on clothes, makeup and hair than you'd ever get even if you won first place. And you'd have to waste a lot of time doing their photo-ops and appearances, not to mention traveling to compete. As much as it'd be amusing to hear Chelsea answer some of those fluff questions honestly and wittily, it's not a money-making venture.
That is all.
4 - Cerulean
So it would be both cheaper and easier to crown yourself with a tiara and declare yourself the queen of something? Why don't you do that, Chelsea. Then go outside the pagent. Call the student newspaper and explain the idea to them, and parade up and down.
5 - Victor Lana
Chelsea,
There is something disconcerting about your post. In the beginning you tell us, "...I'm getting erections just fine..." ; a little bit later you write, "I don't think I can sell my eggs for money."
So, I guess I'm either missing something or I need clarity.
Help. Please. "I needs to learn me an education" too.
6 - Jewels
Erections and eggs, Victor I was hoping she meant just because she wasn't Miss U. she was still getting erections from guys she hung with; or Sussman, whoever that is.
Otherwise, well, possibly:
from the site World Sex Records
Rarest type of human hermaphrodites
The rarest cases of human hermaphroditism are the instances of true or gonadal hermaphrodite. In this condition each gonad is an ovotestis - part ovary and part testis - or one is an ovary and the other a testis. Swyer, writing in 1954, remarks that only forty cases had been recorded in all the medical literature. The condition can be diagnosed only by microscopial examination of parts of the gonads.
Among the outward signs in a "male" are hypospadias, undescended testicles and abnormal breast development, in the "female" with this condition there is abnormal development of the clitoris. Normal spermato-genesis may occur close to an ovary in which ovulation takes place.
Just a thought. :)
7 - Al Barger
Miss Chelsea is killing me here: "So I'm not drop dead gorgeous. I avoid swimsuits like the plague and dresses are probably the next thing on my list of 'Things I'd Like to Set on Fire.'"
Usually about this point, I'd be saying shut the hell up with that false modesty, cause you're not that hot. Having beheld Her glory in person though, I must endorse her over the top self-deprecation here. Yes, she's just that hot, and knows it.
But of course she would never do for a beauty contest, for reasons obvious from this little essay. She's got a brain and a contrary force of will. This woman's more evil than ME. She'd blow a fuse and fall over in the absurd situation of even trying to talk beauty pageant nonsense.
For those just joining us, Sussman is her fiance, and also our fellow Blogcritic, responsible for among other things The Futon Report.
But I'ma shut up now, before Suss starts getting suspicious. He seemed pretty mild mannered when I met him, but if I go sucking up to his woman any more he's liable to pull a ball bat out from behind that futon and come looking for me.
8 - Jewels
Barger, thanks for clarification on Sussman; Seen his name, just my powers of deduction must be asleep.
That's usually the case, women with the brains and looks don't feel the need to strumpet themselves.
9 - Chelsea Lou
Barger, Suss has never been a jealous type. I've had guys directly ask me out and he just laughs it off. He even knows I go out for lunch with men (and pay for myself, thank you) and has not a shred of jealousy.
But no, I won't go on a date with you. ;)
10 - Victor Plenty
All the more reason to take karate, Chelsea. It's good in many ways to have a non-jealous mate, but it can leave you on your own in the field of righteous ass-kicking.
With some martial arts study under your belt, you will have the skills yourself to take care of the serious ass-kicking that may become necessary if any of your male friends decide lunch ought to mean something more than you want it to mean.
Better yet, save the karate for later and take Krav Maga. I've heard it goes directly to letting you learn and practice the techniques you need to rapidly take down an attacker, rather than spending a few years teaching you traditional exercise forms before you ever learn how to hold your own in a fight.
11 - Al Barger
Miss Chelsea, I would not presume to be able to compete with Suss for your affections.
Also, I hasten to show respect to Sussman, if only the better to suck up to you. However, in practice it wouldn't be him I'd be worried about. If I got out of line, you'd take a stick to me way before he would.
12 - Chelsea Lou
So Al, does this mean I can assume you'll have nothing but nice things to say in my threads?
13 - Chelsea Lou
Bob:
"What happened to the time-honored college traditions...selling one's matching Coach bags?"
NEVER.
14 - Al Barger
I admit openly to sucking up to you, Miss Chelsea, for it would be silly to pretend otherwise. I hope to get points for honesty and transparency.
However, sucking up to the likes of you is tricky. Simply saying nice things and agreeing with you all the time would ultimately only garner contempt- which would be exactly what was deserved.
No, effectively sucking up to you will require some tangling of asses. I'd have to find some points of disagreement, and explain where you're full of shit. That's what you would be likely to respond positively to. Fortunately, that's how I am anyway.
When you choose to make some substantive political arguments, say, I will be looking for just such opportunity. Feel free to get in the ring.
Perhaps then, when next we meet again, you might scratch behind my ear and tell me I'm a good boy.
15 - Chelsea Lou
Strangely enough, Al Barger, of all people, has figured out the key to getting along with me.
Seriously. I'm really kind of disappointed now.
16 - Chelsea Lou
And don't let me be misunderstood, Al: while I've resigned to writing smartass life observations, I definitely still have political views. Trust me. They're there. I'm just tired of the BC partisan bullshit. So in the meantime, you can hear my input about beauty pageants and flirting techniques (FYI, my next piece), and save my political discussion for wild nights with tiki lights. And lots of Heinekens.
17 - Victor Plenty
Good thing someone has you figured out. Now Sussman will know where to get relationship advice, should the need ever arise.
18 - Al Barger
Miss Chelsea, I apologize profusely for disappointing you. Can I just be obsequious and pretend not to know better?
Meantime, we'll see how long you can hold out from expressing your political views. Not very long, methinks.
Plus, I know your Deep Dark Secret, admitted under the tiki lights. Worry not dear, for I shall protect your honor with silence.
19 - Bob A. Booey
Creepy.
That meeting must have been hellacious. Who else was there other than Olsen?
If you need relationship advice, go to someone who's had relationships, which means go outside this site (and maybe the Internet altogether).
The Senator Al suck-up bit is kinda funny, I must admit. It'd be funnier if it weren't true.
So I've used my great powers of insight and I get the idea that the Senator likes some dominatrix type stuff. Just my opinion of course, from his various comments about being tied up by Ann Coulter to his desire to be beaten with a stick by Chelsea. "Oooooh yes Miss Ann Coulter, you hate so good! Make me your dog, Miss Chelsea before Brother Sussman finds me licking your boot!"
Come clean, Al. Is this your kink? Everyone has some freak-ness they're into.
I also think the Miss/Brother thing has grown on me and become slightly amusing in a Tiny Tim kind of way as well.
As a tangent, I frankly don't understand men who want their women to emasculate and abuse them. How could that ever be hot? :) Chances are, at least one of you reading this is into that whole weird S & M scene. Explain this all to me, preferably from a psychoanalytic perspective detailing your relationships with your mothers.
And Chelsea, go on a date with poor Al. Why so cruel? He'll buy you stuff :)
I went on a pity date with Sussman once, but he doesn't want you to know.
That is all.
20 - Chelsea Lou
I went on a pity date with Sussman too, Bob. The poor guy just never got the hint after that, and for some reason I just can't get him to go away. It's creepy, I guess, but it grows on you after a while.
21 - Matthew T. Sussman
Hey, she has a hard time saying "no" when she's drugged.
22 - Bob A. Booey
So did you, big boy :)
Oh, those crazy days with the roofies.
Good times, good times.
Now seriously, I think we should all concentrate our efforts on finding Senator Al Barger a woman so we can make an honest man out of him.
I'll have to keep my eye out because it definitely has to be a certain, special type of woman to love that teddy bear.
That is all.
23 - Chelsea Lou
Hmm ... may I suggest GoodWife[dot]com?
We'll start a pool.
24 - Bob A. Booey
Who thinks I should give my good friend the Senator a makeover? I'll make him into a smoking bachelor the likes of which Indiana has never seen before. OK, well I'll do my best to make him urbane and irresistable to the ladies down on the farm. Picture a brand new Senator with designer clothes; tussled highlights; waxed body hair; new physique (we'll make that keg into a mere pitcher); and new rap (no talking about D & D, racial politics, or Ayn Rand when approaching a "young Miss").
Whatcha think, girls of BlogCritics? Hot stuff or what?
I don't think the Russian mail-order thing would work because he'd suspect them of being Communists. No foreign woman would tolerate the sounds of Styx to make love to. And StepfordWife[dot]com wouldn't work because those women wouldn't be domineering enough.
I'm going to keep thinking about this project.
Somehow the name "Vicki" sounds good to me. Anyone know any Miss Vickis?
That is all.
25 - Bob A. Booey
Silas Kain, Al's greatest romantic admirer and expert on the "bear fetish" community, do you have any suggestions?
That is all.