The Question:
My partner and I have been together for two years now and we have been living together for about four months. Now that we are living together I feel that our relationship has changed. We hardly ever have sex, probably once a month is about all we manage to achieve.
I love sex and I'm sure that my partner does too, but for some reason we just can't seem to make an effort to do the wild thing - one of us or both are always tired and sometimes it feels like we're losing sexual compatibility; now it seems like I've had more passion in the past with other men or in the beginning of our relationship.
We do love each other and we've been through a lot together but I feel that our relationship is changing and I don't know what to do about it.
We are becoming more like best friends everyday and I'm scared that the passion is fading. His idea of seduction and mine are totally different - he thinks 'Let's have sex?' is an acceptable phrase into seducing a woman into hot sex, where as I would rather be pinned up against a wall without a word being said and so on...
When we weren't living together our relationship was great; we did struggle a bit in the sex department but three times a week compared to once a month was a vast improvement.
Any advice you have considering this situation would be greatly appreciated. I don't think I want to lose my relationship but I don't know if I have the will power to save it - I don't know what to do.
The Answer:
You might be surprised to learn that almost all long-term relationships go through this phase where everyone seems to get a little lazy. From my experience, it seems to happen somewhere between 18 months and three years into the relationship.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - melissa
i love this article...i've recently purcahsed a new lingerie and i'm waiting on the right moment to put it on .but we have a 6month old baby and we both work 8:00-5:00 shifts.thanks to your article which i enjoyed there are going to be some changes in my sex life .THANK YOU.
2 - Andy Marsh
How 'bout this...August 2nd will be my wife and I's 25th wedding anniversary...
WE only knew each other two weeks when we went to Vegas and got married.
The only thing that makes a marriage work is that both of you have to want it to work.
3 - uhnawneemuss
Thanks for the suggestions. Appreciate it :)
4 - LoverOfToys
This is a great article, but there is always more to add to the solutions. Yes, I agree after time the sex life diminishes and you do have to work at it all the time. Marriage is work and so is your sex life to keep it going. There is too much temptation out there on TV, Magazine Covers and so forth. You need to experiment, do things you normally wouldn't do to keep it interesting. People get tired at night after working, taking care of the kids, but put your best foot forward and make the effort. I know my man loves it when I initiate the act because it makes him feel wanted and it tells him I am in the mood. Granted, he can tell if I am not in the mood and it doesn't make for great sex. Help eachother release tentions and relax to get in the mood and most of all make him feel wanted and you'll get what you want most. A great sex life. Don't forget to change it up though.
5 - joe
this seriously helped alot, i was alone while reading this, im going to ask my girlfreind to read the exact article after she's done work, i really hope this helps..
wee been together for about 2 years and a half, i love her to death but dont get me wrong, the sx drive has ruined alot for us, i think its very unhealy we have had intercourse unde 10 times in that long period of time..
6 - DJ
I almost let a boring sex life ruin my marriage...you just kind lapse into a sex "routine"! You start to lose your drive and people setle for that!! I did.
7 - TT
I am really struggling to keep this relationship going.I'm losing interest in sex but i'm going to try to livin things up.
8 - bex1984
my man never wants to have sex with me.. ive tried the whole dressing up things ive bought toys and still not interested i love him to bits and he loves me but im not sure how long this can last like this its so boaring and we need help
9 - chelsea
So I read this artical. And I love it! Me and my boyfriend have been dating scince high school, haven't made the marriage plunge yet but we will when the time is right. But we were having a lot of problems with when the right time to have sex was. this really helped to just sit down and talk about getting hot with each other. And the sexy date box works really good!
Thanks a lot
10 - Anonymous
What do u do when all options have been brought to their attention? I have told my man that I want to try different things, and he states he's not into it before even trying it. I've done the foreplay, the quickies, different rooms or places and still our relationship is in quick sand!
11 - melissa
men are pathetic they cause half the sex problems they should be a man an step up to the plate..bring on the sex moves stop waiting for us females an if they treated us like they loved us more an with respect and learnt how to be nic we would be ripping there clothes of at any chance..
12 - Jenn
I think it is so easy to fall into a rut and you just need to be creative and also keep in touch with who you are. I recently attended a teleseminar by Sherri Nickols at Unleash Yourself called How to Find & Own Your Playful Sexy Self and it was very eye opening. I learned some great ideas about how to spice things up. I also bought some essential oils from her site to help spice things up and has definitely added a new twist.
13 - Lorenzo
Why am 'I' the one who's reading these articles, n who does the figuring out -not only our problems, but 'her' problems. Who has to seduce her 'her' way? Everything in my life has become a detour because of compromises in relationships- SEX TOO! And i wonder why I'm addicted to porn-Quid Pro Quo. Couple wanks a day and carry on with our happy relationship.. anticipating bottled up frustrations n blame slipping out in spiteful arguments, and alas wearing down love and essence in every corner between two once so grateful, happy and loving people. A True match not so long ago...
After reading melissa's rant about men...first becoming defensive, then taking notes(> thx melissa.) I had a go from my male perspective. It also helped me try to figure out why i've given up on sex in our relationship. In reality we still love each other, and i'm not just ranting here, but trying to honestly figure out why i go 'ugh' after finishing yet another article on how to improve sex in a relationship.
Although i must say this article got me fired up, especially now that i feel lighter from jotting the crap down :)
14 - Lorenzo
..after the longest period of abstinence yet - we had fantastic sex last night. thank you article n comments!!
15 - Vahn
I got one word for ya............TOYS
16 - frustrated
eh... this article only covers what's totally obvious. We've (of course) talked, used toys, played with kink, tried scheduling, not scheduling, shaving, changing how I dress, etc., and it's not making any difference whatsoever. He *knows* I'm hot, and he was initially totally attracted to me (I look the same as when we met, except now I wear clothes that he likes more), but, now that the chase is over, he can't see that I'm hot anymore! We have terrific communication, and he's not lying, but I'm crawling outta my skin here. :(
17 - Alex
After some time, it is almost inevitable to fall into a sex routine. That alone is enough to ruin a relationship or marriage. We need to find new twists or some unexpected changes. There are a lot of good books and seminars around on this topic.
18 - mom of 5
well after 13 years of marriage and five kids I totally agree with the article couples can get into a routine in the bedroom but you have to put your best foot forward and give it an effort its one of the keys to a happy relationship.
19 - The Wet Beaver Company
We have been having sex for 9 years and it is great!!! ha ha ha u guys need to let yourselves go and if you have ever heard that girls cannot cum - its not true!
20 - coulda shoulda
I wish I had read this 5 years ago. I could have kept him from leaving me.
21 - Anne
hey, great article.. but I've try all your suggestion..it still does't work out...
does we meant to be together...
we have been together for 1 year...he nice to me...he love me, caring and romantic...just our sex life...not even once a week..and im not happy with that...
22 - Nicci
Ok so my bf was the one telling me that things were getting boring. We have done the sex toy thing, the lingerie thing, rough sex, you name it. We havn't done the threesome thing and I'll tell you why. He would rather play video games with our 14 year old neighbor on my only night off then spend any time with me. He dosn't compliment me anymore and we never go anywhere. My argument with him is why would I want him to screw someone else if I'm constantly worried about if he loves me anymore or not? I'm only thirty and not interested in other people. I only have eyes for him. He's thirty eight and is complaining about not getting any younger and that there are experiences out there that he has yet to try. Is he going through mid life crisis or is there someone else?
23 - Rosemary
I've been with my other half over 4 years I'm 25 he's 31..I'm just losing the plot..I feel so dirty having to beg for sex..he seems to think once or twice a month is more than enough..I have issues with low self esteem and depression and this is really not helping me..he says I have an abnormal sex drive..and just ignores anything i try..I love him to bits but I just don't know what to do anymore
24 - DEE KHALO
i THINK GO ON A SEX DIET, IT WORKS!!!
25 - Molly
After 21 years together, age 38,
You are happy because you kept your figure and they ask you to have a boob job.
You are proud that you stayed faithful and they ask you to sleep with another man.
This is what happens when you reach the end of the above list....maybe I'm boring but I'm going to keep saying no.