John Kerry actually said this today:
“I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches out to other nations and brings them to our side and lives up to American values in history.“
What the hell is a more “sensitive” war on terror, you ask? I was wondering the same thing. I have a few ideas:
1. No more of those pesky bomb thingys. They’re loud, and they make all the neighborhood dogs bark, which really annoys the neighbors.
2. All guns will now shoot bullets made from ice cream.
3. Every Iraqi television network will be replaced by the Lifetime Network.
4. The hosts of Trading Spaces will immediately be deployed to Iraq to begin doing their show in Baghdad.
5. Trading Spaces will be added to the Lifetime Network lineup.
6. To help out the Trading Spaces team, Martha Stewart will be shipped to Iraq as well. Her time there will count as part of her community service.
7. Martha Stewart is still a bitch, so that last one might backfire.
8. The Navy Seals will be offering free swimming lessons to anyone who wants to sign up.
Not one to be outmisspoken (for those of you keeping up with Bushisms, that wasn't one of them. I made that up, but it's kind of like "misunderestimated") President Bush today said today that his administration would never stop looking for ways to harm the United States.
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Article comments
1 - simon hb
Hmmm... to answer what I suspect you may have thought was a rhetorical question... how do you make a war on terror more "sensitive"...
how about targetting those you have reason to believe have been working against you, rather than dropping bombs on people who live quite close people you suspect might have plans to convert their oil reserves into Euros?
how about not treating all American citizens overseas as immedeatly suspect (did you know you're not allowed to renew your American credit card if you've chosen to live in an overseas country?), and all citizens of other nations as probably almost certain to be up to no good?
That would be a start. In short: stop pissing people off and converting friends into people who have grudges.
BTW: Your Trading Spaces gag? One of the top rated shows on the rejuvenated Iraqi TV service is a home makeover show, showing families who've been bombed out of their dwellings how to fix it up.
2 - HW Saxton Jr.
Hey Evilwhiteguy, Here are a few more
suggestions that may or may not help:
1)Install those Four for a $1.00 Photo
Booths in all Iraqi prisons so that they
can take their own sexually degrading
photos.
2)Re-name the country "Halliburtonia".
3)Tell Moqtada Al-sadr if he does not
start behaving better we will have to
assign a permanent seating chart.
4)Give Iraq it's own Email address such
as: iraq@uspentagon.gov
5)Read all suspected insurgents the
Miranda act and let them have a lawyer
present before we throw them into rivers
to drown.
6)Mega-Lotto worth $Millions for person
who correctly guesses date that the US
puppet regime is destroyed.
and finally:
7)Leave a couple cheap roses,a note that
says we promise to call later and just
GET THE FUCK OUT OF IRAQ NOW!!!
7)
3 - Shark
other recommendations:
* Lay siege to Najaf by playing Toby Keith CDs over loudspeakers at 8,000 decibels 24/7.
* Appoint Lynndie England as Ambassador to Iraq.
* Tell the ATF that Al-Sadr's compound has women, kids, bibles, guns, and a bad rock band. Suggest they visit.
4 - Hal Pawluk
Where ya been, Saxton? My compliments.
5 - HW Saxton Jr.
Thank you very much,Hal. I try to stay
out of things political as a rule.There
are so many others around BC much more
astute in these matters that I feel like
a putz when I try to jump into the fray.
Besides, I'm more interested in fishing
this time of year.
6 - Evilwhiteguy
Shark, you forgot that after the ATF botches the job, we'll have to send in the FBI hostage incineration team.
7 - Shark
I, too, wanna toss laurels
at Saxton; good stuff!
Ya inspired me.
Anyway, welcome home;
we missed
ya... and your premature
hard-return line breaks.
8 - HW Saxton Jr.
Shark,Mucho Gracias senor.Honestly,man.
I am basically pretty apathetic when it
comes to Politics.Also a lousy debater.
But I'm a smartass at heart & more than
just a little disgusted with what has
become of my country. I tried to convey
that disgust through a bit of humor and
if you and Mr Pawluk actually liked! it
then I guess I've made my point. Again,
thanks alot Shark.
9 - Half Baked
* start a program to plant pansies on the mass graves of Saddam's opposition
* Kerry donates daughters as a harem for Saudi terrorist financiers to show good will
* Heinz donates loose sofa change to children of gassed Kurds so they can tour Auschwitz.
* Kerry relocates Oval Office to Sear's Tower to show confidence in new terrorist czar.
* Annex Canada so Al Qaeda members embedded in the US can get cheaper drugs.
* Only award Purple Hearts for self-inflicted wounds
10 - RJ
HB, seriously, you're a riot... :)
11 - Evilwhiteguy
Those are pretty good, hehe.