How To Make Friends - Page 3

Conniving and backstabbing go hand in hand. They are both great ways to put people in their place if they challenge your authority. Once your alpha-spider sense senses such a challenge (and it will), you know what you have to do—ostracize him or her from the group and rid yourself forevermore of this Benedict Arnold.

Your peers will admire you for it, even if on the outside they say you were being a jerk. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. And, for kicks, say to your friends, “And that’s how the cookie crumbles!” Believe me, they will worship you and be saying that stupid one-liner for months in a vain attempt to be more like you.

But the most important thing of all is to remember that while you are doing all these despicable things, you must make it appear that you are actually a decent person. Otherwise, the world of lies you’ve constructed will come a-tumbling down, and so will your aspirations for social dominance. So be sure to cover your tracks well, dear social climber, and the way to victory will be yours!

I understand that being a liar and a somewhat despicable person isn’t for everybody. Heck, I couldn’t be one of those people, but I’ve watched and learned from people enough to know that’s how you get on top. But if being on top is not for you, I have some alternative options.

You can still maintain a respectable social position within your group of friends without being a total jerk. How, you ask? Honesty. It’s even harder than being the alpha male, because it’s hard to be honest—as humanity, we’re too messed up neurologically to even be honest with ourselves, let alone with others. And to a certain extent, we must be dishonest with others or they’d figure out what freaks we actually were. And yes, we’re all freaks, if we were to be really honest.

Trying to be honest with your friends and build your friendships on honest foundations is a very courageous choice, but also the most risky, because you’re investing more of yourself into your friends, as opposed to all the other tips I mentioned, which involve just building a façade. With honesty, any damage that’s done in the relationship will be done to you, because it will be hitting you, not a façade. This is why a lot of people are afraid of being real.

Article Author: Kyle West

Kyle West is a Professional Writing/History major and a Spanish minor attending the University of Oklahoma. He likes reading, writing, and discovering new music.

Visit Kyle West's author page — Kyle West's Blog