Everyone has at some point thought about what the world would be like if they forcefully took it over and ruled the entire population with an iron fist. Or is that just me? Judging by the fact that the board game Risk is still selling, I'll assume I am not alone in this. Now what happens when a board game ceases to be a viable release for these dictatorial urges, and one slips into the actual plotting stage?
Okay, it's more like the daydreaming stage, but plotting sounds less like you're imagining yourself frolicking in a field of teddy bears with Elton John's "Rocket Man" playing in the background. Anyway, what happens is you start doing research on how to take over the world. But you don't want to just take over the world like any old schmuck. You want to do it like a pro.
Which is why I have compiled this short list of steps that will be sure to get you on your way to joining that pantheon of elite (almost) world-conquerors: Bond villains.
#1 – Become Rich
Yes, this is a necessary first step. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, won't I get rich by taking over the world? Technically, yes you will. But if there is one thing Bond villains have taught us it is that you better have cash spilling out the wazoo ahead of time. For instance, look at Auric Goldfinger. At one point he attempts to cut Bond in half with a giant laser. Now let's think about this. It was 1964. LBJ was president, America was knee-deep in Vietnam, the Beatles were huge, and lasers were still goddamn expensive.
#2 – Speak With a Sinister Accent
If you don't already have a sinister accent you can use the leftovers from the Giant Laser Fund to hire a speech coach. What you're going for is the ability to strike fear into someone's heart by the mere sound of your voice. Preferably, you'll acquire either a Russian or a German accent, but really anything guttural will do. As long as it always sounds like you're on the verge of hocking a loogie at all times, you're good. What you want is to set yourself obviously apart from Bond so that there is no doubt you are his antagonist. Since his smooth British accent is like making love to your ears, you want your voice to sound like it's coming home after a bender to find your ears packing to leave with the kids.