It's standard procedure for girls to slate each others' boyfriend's exes. If you're out with one of your girlfriends, and she points out a girl that once dated her current beau, you take on her perspective and whittle that girl down to an absolute minger. Even if she's stunning, you both comment that, in fact, she has a rather large arse/smaller boobs/frizzier hair.
And if there's nothing physical about her to dis (i.e. she undeniably resembles a far more perfect version of Claudia Schiffer), you conclude that she clearly has an IQ of 14/the personality of a fried beetle/a vile character, with a track record of seventy-five past shags and hence has contracted every STD under the sun.
I care little for any of my exes. I barely even remember anything about them. None of them matter anymore. The only one I even have any respect for is J, because he's a good person, and that should cause no concern for the love of my life.
Quite simply because when I found out J had a new woman in his life, I physically jumped for joy, and I wish absolutely nothing but the best for them. I'd happily attend his wedding and see his first-born without even a pang of envy. And looking back at my history, there are no "what-ifs", no regrets whatsoever.
And yet, I bet his girlfriend categorically despises me. I bet my name can't be mentioned in her presence. And I don't blame her. I don't matter: I'm part of his history as he's part of mine, but I could never pose a threat to her in any sense.
But we can never see these things objectively.
It's a shame.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Steve S
how long have you two been together? We've been together almost 20 years and haven't thought about each other's exes for most of that time.
Eventually the insecurity and jealousy will pass and you will come to realize that all the past relationships each of us have, help to form who we are today, so it is the past relationships that give you the boyfriend before you today (a lot of other factors, family/personality, etc. also play a role of course).
2 - Duane
I know all about my girlfriend's exes. And she has a lot more of them than I do. I don't worry about them because I am vastly more wonderful than they are (were).
3 - Mark Saleski
i have a great ex's story. it's short too:
my wife's ex lives with my ex.
what do i win?
4 - Duane
An invitation to be a guest on Springer?
5 - Aaman
All my ex'es live in Texas, no really.
My wife actually likes her - probably because she's happily married.
6 - godoggo
My last partner's (none now, which isn't exactly A-OK, but not really my most pressing problem) most recent ex was an Arab and I'm a Jew. Didn't bother me none.
7 - Steve S
Looking back at my comment, I called it insecurity and jealousy. It is, but it sounded cold the way I wrote it. We all have our insecurities in one way or another, so nothing judgemental or negative was meant. But if you think about it, what is the REAL motivation behind hatred of the ex? Meant with the best of intentions.
8 - Angie
Jealousy is such a wasted emotion. And causes so many issues when really there is none.
9 - parker
Have you ever thought the reason it bothers us is because we are seeing our own discarded self in the future?
10 - Douglas Mays
Wow, interesting issue. I have experience from both sides. My wife has had a life destroyed by the actions of an ex-friend/boyfriend thing. His actions with her (he turns her onto crack) and now clean but obsessively being a 'friend' (since he has none) and psychologically choking her. She attempted to take her life due to the inability to escape his intrusion and damage, recently. It is a sad story...
Me, an ex-wife who did indeed have success in the suicide game 5 years ago (when current wife and I first got together) who current wife admired very much. I just have a thing for the woman crying out inside. I hear that call from inside. I nurture. It really kicks my ass sometimes.
Oh god, too much to go into...
peaceloveguidance
11 - christina
my boyfriend's ex wife is a disgusting whore and I hate her!
12 - Emily
Well I can't help being crazy about my bf's exes. Three long term ones before me and the image of them having sex just makes me want to throw up. I just can't handle it. I try to tell myself to be a good person and understand that there are other people in the world and his life besides myself. But it just makes me physically ill. And hurt. Not jealous. Hurt that I didn't get to experience it, hurt that the tender things he says to me are probably not the first time he has said them. A feeling of not belonging. Feeling like a 3rd party. Not understanding how the man of my dreams has had other women of his dreams.
13 - Cerulean
Unless I'm in their immediate presences, what I mostly feel is pity.
14 - ratty
my ex walked out after 16 years for a feller that made her "laugh" huh did'nt make me laugh women do what they want and the establishment help them. What do we (men) get the shit that follows. you can't live with them and you can't live without them........sad but true... I rest my case.
15 - c
My Bf's ex is the worst kind. the older, wiser, spiritual, earthy, free, artist type that constantly makes me feel like a shallow shit because I get my teeth whitened and dye my hair. Shit- I am a do-godder, life lover, but I fear I can never compare to her altruism. And apparently she was quite the selfless dick sucker in bed too. I feel like what I guess I am....the young, inexperienced opptomist who just doesnt understand why I am loved. Lucky? Or a temporary replacement?
16 - Eric Berlin
Donna -- I added in an Amazon link in for you, feel free to change.
17 - Cerulean
Oh, I had got this subject wrong. I hardly thought of my boyfriends' exes, except as health factors. I pitied my ex boyfriends' current squeezes because I knew just what was wrong with the guy they were with. The exception was if I was in their presences, in which case we might be frosty to each other.
18 - Bob A. Booey
Douglas, I've said it before, but you're textbook co-dependent.
It's hot when chicks hate my ex's. I know it means I'm gonna get good, freaky, nasty sex that night.
That is all.
19 - Hank
If it's that bad, send your partner a lil message...
http://www.whotohate.com
20 - greeny
I hate the size 0, earthy, artistic bitch with a passion. When we first started dating she used to call but eventually I pursuaded him otherwise. Am I sad to ruin a friendship? Hell no! She would have broken us up at any chance she got and was always saying how much she missed and loved him. Bitch. What really irks me though is how he failed to she what a shallow bitch she was. A spoiled shallow bitch. God it feels good to say it! ;) ah...take a breath.
21 - kalampay
maybe the reason why exes are despised because we see something about them that reminds us of ourselves...
22 - kat
my boyfriends ex is pretty. i look at her pics and think. what the hell? sometimes i wanna punch her in the face.
23 - marcus
i cant believe you guys/gals you cant hate your exs you would never of shared those secrets those moments of pleasure the good times and the bad sounds like you miss them more than anything or are jealous of them now!accept you loved an lost an move forward lifes too short for hate just remember you loved them for a reason once an maybe one day you could find it in yourselves to forgive them for what ever reason
24 - my_ex_looks_like_a_ghoul
I don't know about that...I hate my ex-boyfriend. I hate him because the person I thought I was sharing myself with was--what I thought at the time--a kind of quiet person with a passionate heart beneath it all. Turns out that under that somewhat clammy exterior was an even clammier interior.
He was insecure, accusatory, needy and dull. It got to the point where it was sucking the life out of me.
I was loyal to him for years. I kept hoping that something would melt that ice (that crept over everything, right about the time I moved to another state to be with him.)
Eventually I moved back home. I tried to remain friends with him, but he pretty much stabbed me in the back, making accusations of infidelity (because I dated someone after I'd moved out of the place we shared). The whole thing lives a rotten taste in my mouth and I effectively wasted four years of my life...years I can never recoup.
So no, I don't think that everyone who hates their ex necessarily misses that ex.
Because trust me, I do not love or miss that person.
Or, to put it another way, perhaps it is our own wishful thinking that finds us in a situation where the one we "loved" is now the one we hate.
25 - Sarahbelle---One pissed off woman
I hate my boyfriend's ex so much I could rip her god damn throat out with my bare hands and stab her in the eyes, and you know what? I would gladly spend every single moment in prison....I wish I could at least turn her into a toad.