Well, in one's life trials come along and you can either ask "why me?" or you can deal with them and see what there is to learn from what has been sent your way. I am going to do my best to try to learn. My name is Jeff Petermann. I am a journalism major at Indiana University. I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful son, and one week ago I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.
Now, this might seem like a horrible thing. To most of my friends and family, the announcement was greeted by cold confused stares and some tears. I wasn't sure how to see it. I didn't know what exactly it was, all knew was that for the past three weeks my brain had felt like hamburger and I needed it to stop. My wife was a pillar of strength in the face of this uncertain diagnosis. She has been, not to sound corny, the wind beneath my wings through this ordeal.
I suppose we should start at the beginning: Almost three weeks ago, I started to greet each day with a sobering grimace. Jeff Petermann — the "always has a smile and is WAY too cheerful" person — was replaced with a depressed shell of a man who not too many people in his life recognized. One minute I felt alone and abandoned, the next I was happy and ready to take on the world, the next I was having all of these horrible mortifying thoughts about my loved ones and those I hold dear.
It was an emotional trip my body was not ready to take. It came to a pinnacle last Sunday when, upon waking in the early morning, my body began to shake fervently and I was dripping sweat all over my cotton sheets. I was having a panic attack because of certain horrible thoughts that had been banging around in my brain - banging so hard they had woken me out of a sound sleep. It took my wife, my mom and my dad almost two hours to calm me down to a point where I stopped shaking.
Article comments
1 - debbie
Jeff,
I am glad that you were able to receive the help that you needed. It takes courage to seek professional mental health help. There is still a stigma attached to it and there shouldn't be, it's not any different than seeking a Dr. to deal with diabeties, or a heart attack.
My brother was diagnosed as bi-polar right after he graduated from high school. He has been able to control it with medication, it is when he convinces himself that he no longer needs the medication that he runs into problems.
I hope everything goes well for you. I'm not a publisher but if you write a book, I would love to purchase a copy.
2 - Jeff Petermann
Debbie,
Thanks for your kind words. I have been told by numerous doctors now that the key to getting better is staying on the medications. I will pray for your brother and for you. I think the only thing in this circumstance harder than being diagnosed with the disorder, is being a loved one of someone diagnosed with the disorder.
3 - Eric Olsen
Thanks for sharing this Jeff. I am sorry you had the problems but I am very glad you figured it out quickly and are doing what you need to do. Best of luck!
4 - CW Fisher
Jeff,
I've never met a "real" writer who didn't have some form of mental illness, from mild to severe, depending on their amount of talent.
Any writer who has never suffered depression needs to stay in the PR department and never attempt that book, because it ain't there.
The oldest work of true literature is the Book of Job found in your Bible. It was written by a man who had first-hand experience with sorrow smeared on sorrow. Writing it was the author's only release. If you know that release, you'll run to it often, the way I've been running for the Orajel lately. I was told today I will lose my wisdom tooth. But not until next Wednesday. The agony, the cruelty.
I'm amazed that whatever they gave you seems to have worked so fast. It usually takes a few weeks and even then you're the last to know. People usually come up to you and say, "You lose weight? You look great!" Just tell them you have a hard-on. They won't ask again.
Normally I wouldn't say this in public, but we're in the comments now where it's just us writers -- no publishers hang here that I know of.
I've fought major depression all my life, then passed it on to two of my three children. To relieve it I tried everything, including drugs, booze and God -- all three of which I've since kicked. I learned that writing is my sole lifeline and that if I don't take care of it daily, I, quite simply, go nuts.
I love God, I see you do too, and I warn you of the classic set-up. If God saves you now, does he abandon you later when your BP returns and makes you do something stupid that costs you a job, a family, a life? Will you then do as I did and blame God?
If so, remember: you're not alone, far from it. The most spiritual people I know have had long-running arguments with God. He can take it. He's always let me back. I warn you of this because mental illness is a bitch. Listen now.
Write your book a decade from now when you know what you're talking about. For now, relearn how to live. Please don't save anybody until you can save yourself. Trust yourself a little less for a while. Your instincts are likely to be WAY off. This is especially true in the workplace. Keep your mouth SHUT about your illness. They will use it against you, no doubt. It's nobody's business. Period.
Your desire to tell the world is part of the relief you feel. Bottle it! That's stuff for your therapist and close friends and family.
There IS a stigma about mental illness, and you will not change it. Accept it, unfair though it is. You can attack it later when you're stronger.
If you continue to tell everybody, like the Cheerios guy who lowered his cholesterol, you will prove to the world you're goofy. The tragedy of this comes in the way it hits you. They will shun you, Jeff, while you're struggling with a fragile mind, and instead of the temporary setback that others would see, you'll see it as the equivilent of a dozen tiny H-bombs, where H is for Heart, and you will get worse -- and so will they. Do you see.
You are lucky to have met me, if I say so myself. I do indeed know what I'm talking about. I know far more about my illness than ANY doctor or therapist who's ever tried to help me. I've long believed that "depressives" should help each other the way alcoholics do. But the moment I feel better I'm ready to get away from that dead patch of ground and back into Eden. I don't want to hang around any longer than I have to. It's that bad a place.
It's Golgotha, a place nobody wants to be.
Consider writing about mental illness under an assumed name. It could have more power than using your real name, while showing others they can talk about mi candidly in an open forum where nobody knows your true identity. It could be very healing, a huge public service that many in BC could probably help you start.
But starting today shut up. Speak with your fingers under the name... Ghost. There you go, how's that. There's your new name, Ghost.
Damn. Nobody ever gave ME a new name... thank God, because I like mine. And I don't give a damn who knows what about me anymore because... it makes my writing more interesting.
CW Fisher
5 - CW Fisher
Are you sure you're bi-polar? Maybe you're just a Gemini.
6 - Jeff Petermann
Thank you so much for your advice! You were right on when you said that I feel relief when I talk about this. It almost feels like a cork is unplugged from the top of my head. I agree with you about the stigma. I have seen it already. I guess I am just ignoring it for now. As far as the relief that I have felt from the resperdal. It is de. temporary. I see the constant stream of intrusive thoughts set in about 3o minutes before I am to take my next pill. The doctors say eventually it will go away altogether if I keep taking the pills. I have always loved writing and the Lord. I hope that, like you, the Lord will bring me through this, and hopefully, that my wrting will serve as an outlet and hopefully, one day, I can help someone else who is going through this same ordeal.
7 - Mac Diva
Jeff, I was afraid you were going to say you would rely only on prayer for help with your bipolar condition. Thank God (who I don't necessarily believe in) that you aren't doing that. From everything I've read and seen over the years, you will need to religiously (pun intended) take your medication to control the disorder.
Here in Oregon this week we saw a very religious man acknowledge his son had bipolar disease. Sen. Gordon Smith, a Republican and a Mormon, may now support meaningful aid for the mentally ill. If coverage of mental disorders under all health plans occurs it will be too late to help Sen. Gordon's son, who committed suicide months ago. But, hopefully, the change will benefit many other people.
8 - Shark
J**f P****, glad you found effective medication and support.
My jury is still out on the God stuff, since every severely mentally disturbed person I've ever seen/met had some obsessive 'relationship' with God and/or Jesus. (My wife spent years as a psychiatric nurse, so my 'personal anecdotes' have a tad bit of clinical background to them; she even treated a number of patients who were "Jesus"!)
Anyway, best of luck in the future, but since you're still in school, a little professional advice for the future:
NEVER EVER EVER EVER WRITE:
"She has been, not to sound corny, the wind beneath my wings ..."
'kay?
xxoo
Shark
9 - Shark
Fisher: I've never met a "real" writer who didn't have some form of mental illness..."
And I've never met a person with mental illness who didn't think they could be a writer!
"Shark, I've got a great idea for a script!"
10 - Shark
Aside to FisherKing:
CW, the only commission I ever turned down was one to write a musical based on The Book of Job. I studied it for months and finally had to refuse; I told the director, "I just can't do it; it's one song that lasts for two acts called "Woe is Me!"
(-true story-)
11 - mike
Bi-polar disorder is a great, great gift if it is properly treated. It blighted most of my life, but when I finally got control of it, I learned to use it as an ally. You've been diagnosed at an early so you are very lucky.
12 - Shark
Mike: Bi-polar disorder is a great, great gift...
Damn. And here I was wrackin' my brain for Valentines!
13 - CW Fisher
Shark, this garment is temporary until we can lock you away safely. Have you eaten through a tube before? Yes, it is easy, isn't it?
While we have you here, Shark, may we seat you down and strap you in? There now. You'll be glad.
Because, Shark, I too wrote the Book of Job, in case you wondered wondered who wrote the Book of Job, I wrote Book of Job. As a musical. I kid U not. Get a Job, yaddi yada yadiyadi yada.
No, really?
What's his number? You're WRONG about the one-note.
Oh, my God, it's hilarious. It screams Randy Newman, the only man I ever wanted to interview.
It's true. Ran, if you're reading this... here's my question. Can I interview you? I just want to hand with Ran.
14 - BB
Jeff I agree with CW that it is best keep your condition private. The world is unkind and unforgiving.
Hold fast to your faith and get another medical opinion before allowing yourself to be boxed and labelled. I always say get at least three opinions for medical or legal issues. Surround yourself with loving people who will support you when you feel weak. And above all avoid those who would tear you down.
Your attitude is admirable and an inspiration to us all. Rom 9:20 "No, but, O man, who are you who replies against God? Shall the thing formed say to Him who formed it, Why have you made me this way?"
Rom 8:31 "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Take care bro.
15 - christian lady in crisis
I have bipolar disorder and add and whoever thinks it is WORSE for the loved ones of the one with bp is SO WRONG! You have no idea of the internal pain I suffer from repeated loss of jobs and from becoming fat from the medications. Everyone gives me their unsolicited opinion of how I can lose weight. What makes it worse is that now I have hypoglycemia and have to eat more frequently. I am exhaused by the end of the workday. I now am having spinal and hip pain caused by a degenerative condition of the spine called spondylosis.
I contemplate suicide all the time but am so afraid I will end up in hell but it seems like living is hell too.
I used to be in shape before this stupid diagnosis and healthy. I cry out to Jesus and I don't get any relief. It may be for a day and then I am depressed again. I have tried so many medications and combinations of meds. I do really well and then I have stress and sadness about being so overweight that no amount of medication will help.
I don't want to email for prayer because I don't want to reveal who I am on the internet. I just wish Jesus would come back or give me a deadly disease that will kill me quickly. I even struggle with the temptation not to take my blood pressure meds but I am so afraid of ending up in hell forever.
I need more than prayers, I need a miracle. Why doesn't God help me to lose this weight? I feel like I have metabolic syndrome.
I joined Curves for Women and now I cannot even exercise becuase of the pain.
I was molested at 14 and had my share of rejection by men to make me run from any hint of interest a man shows in me.
I pray and have people pray and don't seem to get any relief. I hate being judged by Christians. One lady said, "Food can be an idol." I eat 1500 calories a day sometimes more sometimes less but it's not like I overeat. I see my skinny friends eat more than me. I am so tired of life. I live under such a facade. I fake happiness in order to get by at work. I am glad I am in outside sales so I don't have to deal with office politics. I would have been fired already for saying the wrong thing. My performance is good but I am so afraid of the ax coming.
please pray for me.
16 - Paul
I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, and have dealt with it for years. But what really helped me is when I realized that God causes all things, both good and evil or calamity, whatever your version happens to say. The concept is the same. Proverbs 16:4 says it plainly enough to those with ears, "God works all things for His plans, yes even the wicked for the day of evil." It was through a series of events in my life that I recently became aware that God is the cause and creator of not just the Garden of Eden, but of everything and everyone that occurs in this life. The bible mentions this over and over, but religious bias has so altered our perception, that for some people it is impossible to see God as really the Potter forming the clay vessels for either honor or dishonor. But it has given me enormous peace as compared to where I was just a year ago. I do not have anxiety and depression like I used to. And I feel all the spiritual fruit that I had tried so hard to imitate in my life while going to church. Realizing God's control over the world, and that He was the cause of every good and evil, has for the first time in my life, helped me to realize love, joy, peace, patience, and every spiritual blessing. I can't help but pass it on to everyone, please take a step back from your comfort zone and seek out the true nature of God, not what comes from the pulpit, but what comes out of the bible and wait for the Teacher to reveal stuff to ya in everyday life. It's a rare experience for sure, but man is it awesome.
17 - Christopher Rose
Paul, whilst I'm delighted your personal situation has improved, I'm disappointed that it is at the price of accepting such a fantasy belief system. I hope the day will arrive when you feel able to do with your life without such props.
18 - mark
I don't think most of the people on this pages are bi- polar. Jeff there are no med able to help bi-polar that fast.As far as I'm concerned med don't help mach at all. I.ve been bi-polar most of my life and I'm 54. It' a nightmare and it always will be with and without so called meds. If they work so well , why do we all want to get off them?
19 - mark
Sorry about miss spelling, it just pisses me off when people talk about bi-polar as if they know what some one with it is going through.
20 - Rita
I don't think it's a question of wanting to get off meds, just sometimes bizarre trying to balance and yes the fewer (if your doc can manage it) the better. I'm almost 53, been in jail over, institutionalized and now much better by going through many doctor and finding the right mix.
Also, wanting to get off them may have to do with riding the mania high or self medicating.
Ciao
Rita
21 - pbs
I'm very surprised too about how quickly the doctor was able to find the right medicine!!!My son was diagnosed a year ago and we're still struggling with this issue. I wish you the best and let's just pray that some day there's a cure for this terrible illness.