If you have a dad, you're lucky.
I've always envied people with dads, especially this time of year when TV is full of ads for department stores and dad's day deals, and restaurants all over town offer discounts to "Bring Dad in for Dinner".
I imagine what it feels like to bring Dad that special shirt or requsite ugly tie, and yes, treat him to a good meal on Father's Day, but it has to stop there.
It stops there because I don't have a dad. Not because he died doing something heroic, or in an accident. Not because he "just doesn't come around". But because I have no clue who he is. Where he is.
I know his name and I have a few pictures, but I don't know him as a person. When my parents split when I was a toddler, he split, and I haven't seen him since.
My significant other is always complaining about his father. They have a strained relationship.
I always make sure to remind him, "At least you have a father. Be thankful."
My man's father comes around and calls often. The love between them is there, they just have issues like a lot of families do. But my man knows what it's like to look half of his history in the face, and see the same lips shouting back in an argument. Even for this, I would be thankful.
Where others have memories of their fathers, and all the things fathers are generally good for, I have blanks.
No one to keep me from getting jacked at the auto shop, no one to show me how a good man should treat me, no one to defend me when the bad ones occasionally got violent. No birthday presents. No calls. Nothing.
No one to help my mom so she worked too much—and drank too much. We were alone, together.
It's amazing for me to see how some people will do anything to have a child, while others leave theirs behind like used kleenex. I used to feel like he should have left me in one, but now I know better.
I know now that I'm a grown-up, that sometimes for other grown-ups, the world is too much. I know this is not my fault.
I know that my significant other's dad is softening with time and thinks of me as a daughter, as do others in my community. For this I am thankful.
I also know that my man is there for our three children, and they will not have to grow up with that empty space in their lives that I did.
For men like him I am the most thankful, and that's how I celebrate Father's Day. In honor of all men who take care of their children, no matter whose dad they may be.
Cherryl Aldave is a writer from North Carolina.
Article comments
1 - dietdoc
Cheryl Writes: "My significant other is always complaining about his father. They have a strained relationship."
Reply: Tell him to get over it. Eventually, he will (as I did) but every day it lingers, is time lost. Fathers didn't come with an "Owner's Manual" and, despite what shortcomings "your man" feels his father has, they are insignificant in the big picture. Trust ancient wisdom on that one.
I spent 10 years estranged from my father and, looking back now, I can hardly remember what it was about. I know my dad, as he approaches 80, won't be around all that much longer. And every chance I get, I remaind him that he is loved and appreciated. All the lessons he taught me, which may not have meant much at the time and may have been taught in the wrong way, are so very appreciated now.
I am a father now, also, and though my kids are grown, I see now what parents are supposed to do: the best they can. That's the only rule they can live by.
Parents are the product of how they were raised, as are we. And, all of the mistakes a parent makes are surely "the best they knew how at the time." Now, when my almost-octagenarian father scolds me as if I were still a teenager (I am 54), I smile and say "Yes, Dad. You are right. And, Dad, I appreciate the advice." Smiling to myself, I know he loves me and he cares.
That all anyone, in the end, should ask of any parent.
Cheers,
Ron
2 - Stacy L Harp
Great thoughts,I can relate having a father 'in name only' and never having had all the things you mention. This is why for me, God as Father is very important. He's the best Father in the universe and can make up for what my dad failed to give.
3 - parker
In our house, father's day is just another day. My daughter's father abandoned her - he writes her once or twice a year and has visited once. Of course he doesn't contribute to her upbringing in any way. You know what? We've gotten along just fine without him. He's the one who's missed out.