Hi Elsa,
I believe my partner is addicted to porn and I do not know how to deal with it. We have been together for six years and have a two-year-old child together. I have always thought we had a great sex life. I have always been open to watching porn with him. I always try to please him when it comes to sex, as he does me. My problem is that every time I mention him looking at porn on the computer, he gets really mad and tells me that he wants to get out of this relationship.
I would be down with that except that we have a child together and I cant bear the thought of ever being without my baby for any amount of time like for visitation to the baby’s daddy. He tells me I don’t understand how a man's body works, but I do. What I don’t understand is when you have a live person willing to do just about anything with you, then why the urge to look at porn everyday in private and then to try to blame it on the way a man works?
I have told him it makes me feel like I can't live up to his fantasies. No matter how hard I try, I don’t think I can do for him what the porn does. It makes my insecurities even worse, but he says that he doesn’t care - that some things are private and none of my business.
I could go on forever about this, but I think you get the picture. I don’t know what to do. I have tried to live with this for, well, ever since I found out about it four years ago. I do okay most of the time, but he will not admit that it is a problem or try to listen to the way it makes me feel. I need advice like you wouldn’t believe. Please help.
Partner of Addict
Dear Partner,
I am going to be very candid with you. Your partner is an addict and as long as you take a powerless position (“I can’t stand the thought of being without my baby”), nothing is going to change. In fact, it’s going to get worse. And worse. And worse.
Article comments
1 - ProfEssays
Her partner is addicted to porn. Evidently she can't satisfy him.
2 - jesse
my boyfriend is also addicted to porn.he has been for years.i actually found out by walking in on him in the middle of the night.i asked him that if he was going to remain doing it...not to do it while i was home.that was another way of me telling him that it was o.k. then i noticed it was getting out of control-i asked him to stop out of respect for me, and told him exactly how it made me feel when he did it.i told him that i did not want to be with someone who had a problem with seeing hundreds of other girls naked.of course he did not stop.i came to find out that it was an addiction-an almost mental illness. you cannot blame yourself or even him for that matter.my boyfriend is now in theropy and doing much better.fixing the problem can take months even years...but what would he do without you if he really does want to stop?i know, it does get old, and it does hurt more and more each day but if you love him, help give him the courage to stop and stick by him. you never know how the outcome wiil be but give it a shot!
3 - k
I'm in complete agreement with the author of this article. I recently caught my husband of 10 years in many cyber sex affairs. I had occasionally caught him with porn. Once after my son was born, which I figured was because I couldn't have relations. Once a few months before I caught his affairs. He also admitted to porn and masturbation fantasies when we were temporarily seperated before. I found that he was less and less interested in having sex with me, which in turn was damaging to my self esteem. He was using all his energy to satisfy his fantasies, and loving sex with a real person was no longer enjoyable. With fantasies, the only one you have to worry about is yourself. For an addict, they lose interest in having to please anyone else. We are currently in the middle of a divorce. I do still love him, but feel I deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship where I can trust my partner to be open and honest with me like I have been with him. And evidently the moron that left the first comment was probably a man...possibly one who is addicted to porn himself.
4 - mommytobe
me and my husband have been marryed since april and he didnt start looking at porn till i found out i was pregnant i thought it would stop but im 6 months pregnant now and ant even stoped it makes me feel ugly and like i dont please him anymore he dont understand and i dont know what to do he always watches it on tv and looks at it on the internet im about to turn 18 and he is fixing to be 19 we have only been marryed for 9 months and he is already doin it and when i say sumthing he gets mad and always wants to leave . help please i dont know what to do!
5 - mami_asi
My boyfriend is a porn addict. He says he has been looking at porn since he was very young. So I guess he feels its just a part of him and has been for so long so why should he change. We have had problems with internet social sites, internet porn sites, cam sites and so on. I confronted him and he cut down I do admit but it seems now its just more secretly done. I feel like he wants me out of the house or asleep so he can get his fix. I tell him how I feel, how it hurts. I have tried to do things I have never done to have him be more interested in me instead of the porn to no avail. I started watching porn to get him jealous to let him see how it felt. Really he didnt pay attention to any of it. My self esteem is beyond low at this point and this coming from a woman who was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. I love him, my son loves him. I just dont know what to do any more. I know "getting help" will be out of the question. He'll probably look at me like Im the crazy one.
6 - Sam
There are fundemental problems in his life, porn is just a symptom of these. Get to the root of the problem. Perhaps the marriage isn't giving him what he needs or expects?