Hi Elsa,
I have been with my boyfriend for about five and a half years. Things are pretty great, except he has a thing for teenage girls. I discovered a teenage porn website on his computer a few years back and confronted him about it. I had deleted it, so naively, I figured it was done.
Then I noticed some pictures of girls on his computer a while later. He apologized multiple times, and said he still loved me and wanted to be with me. I never asked him to stop, I just assumed he would. Again, I was naive.
Fast forward a couple years to two days ago. I was on my laptop and noticed he had created a secret MySpace account pretending he was an 18-year-old. He had two "friends" who were 14- and 15-year-olds. I was sick to my stomach when I discovered this.
I confronted him last night. He admitted he had an addiction and that he knew it was wrong. He said he'd stop, but he can't say what will happen in the future. He said it's like someone trying to quit smoking. I'm giving him some time to think about if he wants to work on us, or keep talking to teen girls. He said he's never met any of these girls in real life. The contact has only been online.
What should I do? Should I stick around and try to help him get through this if he's willing to work on our relationship? I just feel like he's been so deceitful and it's going to be really hard for me to trust him again. I love him so much though. We've been through a lot together and we're just really good when we're happy. He makes me laugh like no one else can.
Thank you so much,
Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Your man is a PREDATOR. Try to let that sink in.
You have stumbled on this, and you have stumbled on that. But what makes you think you have stumbled across everything there is to stumble across, especially when you are what you call “naïve” but I would call, “prone to denial in the extreme”? And when you know your boyfriend is “deceitful”? What are the odds?
Article comments
1 - RJ Elliott
WTF did this have to do with Astrology?
2 - elsa
Nothing. I write a daily column and although I look at the chart of everyone who writes to me, sometimes it is irrelevant and this was that kind of situation.
3 - Realist
I don't normally get into such personal affairs, but the advice you are receiving is very sound, Girlfriend. I also advise you to cut this loser off and run to safety as fast as you can. You will at some point get between him and the objects of his "affection" - and he won't be the "guy who makes you laugh like no one else can" any longer. Somewhere out there is a nice guy whose head is on straight and is ready for someone like you. Go find him.
4 - Deborah
...there are some non-sexual reasons for watching porn. I read an interesting eBook by Mario Brocallo about that theory. Find abstracts on the author´s website
5 - Cristofer Gross
While I agree with everything that's been said, I do think releasing a bad fish untagged into the mainstream may be a little irresponsible. If 'girlfriend' cannot cut off without cutting off completely, so be it. But if, in the process of severing, she has the wll power to serve the public interest by seeing this guy into therapy, it would be a good thing for all of us -- and our daughters. We have to "hope for the best and assume the worst," remembering the warning that "evil persists when the good do nothing."
Then . . . get the hell out of there!
6 - JoeJ
I don't think "Elsa" is "equipped" to elaborate on this subject. Although, she tried but gave bad advice.
Let me quote the vows "For better or for worse."
Obviously there are lines drawn at some point. But this guy has a potential problem. I did say "potential". He has committed no crime. Its a blessing in disguise that she found out what he was up to. It doesn't make him evil. He's like a car without a steering wheel. But he deserves help from his wife. She does not need to be an expert.
Elsa pretty much labeled him as a predator, probably from watching too much Dateline. "You are assisting and enabling his addiction by staying" she said.
So, in other words, run like hell over something that you don't uunderstand. Be a quitter!!
I once had a similar addiction but I fought long and hard for years and my wife took an emotional beating because of it. We are still together and both are glad we didn't give up. I know that MOST problems can be worked out. Some are very difficult and only "seem" impossible.
The main thing with the situation above is that both people have to take steps together. Saying the words isn't enough. If the guy will take physical steps to expose his troubles then it shows that he is truly committed to their relationship. If not, then its worth ultimatums.
Elsa, go back to school.
7 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
It's been two years since this article appeared. Elsa has not graced us with an update, if she received one.
But Joe, I'd note one thing. As of 2006, the couple talked about were not man and wife; they were girlfriend and boyfriend. Admittedly, that could mean anything, and from the tenor of the query, they are/were living together when this was written. The advice appeared sound for an unmarried couple; a married couple might be a different ballgame.
8 - RandomGuy
JoeJ, you sir, are an idiot. The couple was not married they were just dating and it is very wrong for a grown man to communicate in any flirtatious manner with a minor. So with that being said, I think you need to go back to school.