When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy. We don't understand what the other person is talking about and they don't seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them. Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits. Why does this happen? How can we stop it?
It happens because we are animals. Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts we don't have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless. It's not terribly complicated, though it's not all that easy to change. Understanding what drives us, why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.
We can stop it, but it's sometimes really hard. To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it's really about. I know it's hard to accept, but what you are really upset about is it not that he didn't call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset.
When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway, we feel we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level. We may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, but we don't feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.
Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this the "Self-Protector" position. Of course, if we are "Rescuers" we might instead let our partner off the hook by saying, "Oh, it's okay. I'm sorry, I am getting upset over nothing," thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight. The end result is the same. We haven't stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart.
Article comments
1 - Jeff
Good suggestions, but they only work if one's partner is on a similar rational plane of existence.
Sometimes one's partner is just an a-hole, and letting them know it in no uncertain terms is the only way to convey your displeasure with him or her that is guaranteed to get your point across.