I have a naked ring finger right now, and it shudders for the future. It has been free all of its short life, and it knows. Yes, it knows that a shackle is waiting. The white gold shackle that will haunt much of the rest of its fingerprint worthy life. Alas, it's a good thing I'm not left handed, or my ring finger might pull an Addams Family 'Thing' move and run away.
I could join my ring finger with that sense of impending doom, except I will reap many more benefits from getting married than it will. Or at least, that's the rosy colored letter I have pinned to my chest. Truth be told, I've never had a problem with being married, it was always getting married that bugged me. The whole dramatic production value of the ceremony and reception, and how most weddings are the same. Tack on how all of the different vendors involved make a killing off of 5 to 6 hours of real work, and you can suddenly give great bearing to my normally disregarded skepticism. So what's a groom to do?
Most men take the co-pilot role when it comes to weddings, like your buddy on a road trip in your college days--- either leaning back and sleeping, or putting their feet out the window while the tunes blare. It could be easy to not drive and just cruise along for the ride, while the bride and her posse shape the Old West.
But no, not me. I'm questioning the map, I'm negating the short cut... because I like to drive. Not literally since I take the train every day to work, but I like to have a hand in anything involving me stepping into any kind of attention spotlight. Of course, I knew in my slightly blackened heart that all this wasn't my style to be part of a Broadway production. After the engagement, I was immediately ready to head for a tropical beach in a silk shirt and tuxedo shorts, and get hitched by a rastafarian priest while bare foot, and then drink pina coladas with my girl until she sees me as a some grand cross pollination of Brad Pitt, Schwarzenegger in his prime, and the Vibrating Rabbit. Let the honeymoon begin.
Ah, to fantasize... *insert dream sequence harp followed by champagne cork popping* Sweet fruit tree of elopement, cast me a sampling of your juicy gifts so I can gorge myself on your simplicity, your swift delivery, your freedom from all that reeks of cliche. I wish this wish as fish will swim and iPods will multiply and donkeys & elephants spank each other. The universe shall be perfect with such fruit and I shall have it! Hooooooooo!!! (That's a Ho like Thundercats, not your brother's ex-girlfriend, mind you.)
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Article comments
1 - Eric Olsen
great writing Mark, loved the front page blurb! But enjoy the wedding - both of mine were total hoots. If you can't enjoy your own wedding ... then you didn't drink enough
2 - Eric Olsen
oh, and break a leg, by the way!
3 - Mark Sahm
Thanks EO.
No need to break legs, since I'm sure the reception hall will do that for me if I don't catch up with the payment plan.
4 - Tan The Man
Eloping is beginning to sound better and better. No embarrassing parents, no spending loads of $$$, and no waiting 6-7 hours before the honeymoon sex.
5 - Mark Sahm
Tan: Yeah, I'm lucky that all of the parents involved with mine have been cool x 2. I've read too many nightmare stories about what hell the folks make the planning. But someone has to pay for it, eh?
6 - Eric Olsen
the bride's parents are supposed to pay, right?
7 - Phillip Winn
Supposed to, yeah.
I got married for $2000. That included everything but the rings, which had been bought a few years earlier. I wasn't sure the bride's parents were going to be able to reimburse me for any of it.
As it happens, they did, so I spent $2000 on the honeymoon, too.
8 - Dave Nalle
We managed to pull our wedding off for less than $1000 and about $1200 for our honeymoon in hideous Cancun. It helps to have the wedding in a church which you can often get for free if you use their hall for the reception.
dave
9 - Aaman
Ours took 3-5 days - Asian weddings are long...
10 - Eric Olsen
first wedding: 1981, country club, 400+ guests, full sit-down dinner, open bar, live band, massive photographic book, huge cake, designer dress, massive decorations, etc, etc, etc - don't know the cost, not cheap.
second wedding, different country club, 150 guests, full dinner, open bar, much more modest across the board but still elegant and just as much fun
11 - Mark Sahm
Aaman: I don't think I could have a 5 day wedding unless I had a different bride each day. Heh.
As for 400+ guests, holy crap... I've been to concerts that had less people!
12 - Eric Olsen
only about a third came from our side! The planning was done by "others"
13 - Mark Sahm
"others" sounds like space aliens or ghosts living in your house, but I'll assume you mean in-laws... although I could understand the confusion for most.
14 - Aaman
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
15 - Mark Sahm
"I am never bored anywhere: being bored is an insult to oneself." ~Jules Renard
or
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." ~Steven Wright