I got this note on Facebook yesterday from Sara:
“I need you to please write me a blog about how to be motivated to exercise and eat right when there is a death in the family. Trying to be good to my body, but fed my kids & myself popcorn for dinner last night. I need your inspiration today, please!”
Oh, hermana, I so understand. If I had had the guts, I would have written the same message years ago. I’m afraid I learned my lesson about eating and loss the hard way: it’s the reason I spent the last 16 years 100 pounds overweight.
I had always told people that I was carrying around all that extra weight because I never lost the 100 pounds I gained in pregnancy almost 16 years ago with my son Carlos. But then about five years ago I was changing the picture in a frame in my office when a photograph dropped out from behind the one that had been in the frame for years. As I picked it up, I saw that it was a shot of me and Carlos from a carnival when he was about 14 months old. I stared at it, almost not recognizing myself. I looked good! But wait, I had thought I’d been fat since he was born…
I took the picture with me to my next therapy session, and expressed my confusion to my counselor. “What happened in the year after that picture?” she asked me.
“Well, nothing much. Carlos was a great kid, Doug and I were happy, and….oh.”
It was then that I realized it was a year after the picture that I had lost my second son in my 20th week of pregnancy.
I mean, it wasn’t like I’d forgotten about it: I will never forget about it, no woman ever does. But I had managed to block it from my mind when looking for reasons why for years after I was always tired and obese.
My therapist’s voice was even gentler than usual, “How much weight did you gain with the second pregnancy, Ann?”
Fifty pounds. Putting me at the exact weight I was in that moment, five years later, sitting in her office. Had I been keeping myself at the pregnancy weight to deny I had lost him? Or was the 100 extra pounds insulation from my grief? It was probably a bit of both. I broke down in her office as the delayed feeling of loss washed over me.
Article comments
1 - Cori M
Thank you so much for this, Ann. My cousin's son was still born two years ago, and she's been fighting her weight ever since. Recently she admitted that she can't separate the weight she wants to lose from the pregnancy that changed her life so irrevocably. The baby who almost was. I'm going to send this to her as proof that she's not alone.
You're amazing.
2 - Ann Cardinal
Thank you, Cori. As mothers it is so hard to separate what is us and what is them in general, situations like these can extend that confusion indefinitely. So hard.
3 - Erica
beautiful post, Ann. xox
4 - Ann Cardinal
Thank you, Erica! I feel like i've come a long way. I am now content to hold other people's beautiful babies, like yours!
5 - Nicole
Oh, Ann. Wow. My heart goes out to you..what an amazing post. What heartbreak. I am so sorry.
6 - Ann Cardinal
Oh Nicole, thank you. I really did come to a place that everything happens for a reason, but it still does make me sad to think of what could have been. It all adds up to who we become, I suppose.
7 - Winifred
Oh, Ann, your post today resonated with me in a profound way. I lost my healthy son at 20 weeks in a botched amnio procedure 15 years ago. Like you, I had my other child with me at the appointment when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. I am honored to be the mother of three girls, but there is an empty place in my heart where my son is supposed to be. Thank you for your heartfelt and honest posts. You inspire me.
8 - Ann Cardinal
Oh my God, Winifred. Your comment left me in tears and the parallels between our stories gave me goosebumps. I too have an empty space, but I feel better about it when I have interactions like this one. You've inspired me too. Thank you.
9 - Joyce
Beautiful post, Ann. Loss and grief can have profound effects on us. I lost an infant son one October and 20 years later went into depression the October our eldest daughter had moved to college. The fall foliage was the trigger that tied one loss to another.
10 - Ann Cardinal
Thanks for sharing, Joyce. It is alarming how many women have gone through this painful experience. Honestly, I wouldn't have gotten through it at the time without women like you sharing their stories with me. It is also amazing what kind of a hold it takes on a person.
11 - Mo Hourihan
Oh, Ann, your post was so sad and so inspiring, too. I am shedding tears for you and Win and all parents who been in this particular hell. You are a profound writer and I am honored to be your friend. xoMo
12 - Ann Cardinal
Oh, Maureen, you've got me crying! thank you for your kind words. I'm honored by your support and friendship.
13 - Hindy Bare
honest and emotionally engaging- good writing !
14 - Ann Cardinal
thank you, Hindy!