Author's Note: Ahhh, I'm done apologizing. Just take 'em as you take 'em. Knock yourselves out.
This is to the fat, lonely, uneducated, god-fearing people of places like Stinkberg, Louisiana or Asscrab, Georgia and places south (or maybe west.) Please, PLEASE, PLEEEEEASE stop taking away my television. I swear, it seems like every time I find a show that I love (which isn’t often) it gets yanked by the network for saying “pee-pee” too many times. Meanwhile Oprah and Dr. Phil are allowed to rampage over America like fuckin’ Godzilla and Godzuki, wreaking emotional havoc and sucking in a LOT of money. I mean a fucking LOT of money. If you think you’ve seen a lot of money, say…in an educational movie about the Federal Reserve, then you have no idea what their money looks like. These guys could light up a small South American country any day of the week. Fuck, if they wanted to they could be Ecuador! These guys have a LOT of money. (And by the way, one of the smartest moves Oprah ever made was putting Dr. Phil on the air. He made her a whole ‘nother shit-load of money. The DUMBEST move she ever made was giving him some power, ‘cause he is definitely the Antichrist and I’m telling you, he will wash over this WORLD IN A RED HAZE OF THE BLOOD OF THE NON-BELIEVERS, AND THE FURY AND THE WRATH OF DR. PHIL SHALL BE…)
So, here’s a perfect example: I love “TV Funhouse,” the Robert Smigel show on Comedy Central. In fact, I love anything Robert Smigel does. (If you don’t think you know who Robert Smigel is, trust me you do. He’s a comedy writer and an animator and the guy who’s responsible for things like, “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” on Saturday Night Live and, “Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog” on Conan O’Brien. He was also the voice of the dog, “Mr. Beefy” in Adam Sandler’s movie “Little Nicky. (I would KILL to do a project with him.) Anyway, on the show “TV Funhouse” there was a LOT of bleeped swearing and a LOT of animal puppet nudity and animal puppet sex....
And it WAS GREAT!!
I love watching puppets fuck and curse, ‘cause that is fuckin’ comedy! But, dammit! 6 episodes in and it’s over. Now I have to watch the endless repeats on Comedy Central at 3 a.m. after MAD TV (which is God-awful, no pun intended.) Now to be fair, I don’t know why it was canceled. Maybe it sucked and only I liked it. Maybe the puppets quit. Maybe the guys at Comedy Central got a sudden jolt of morality and turned a new leaf (which I doubt ‘cause how then do you explain “Reno 911,” which, by the way, is also God-awful.) I dunno. I choose to blame it on the “Moral Majority,” mainly because they aren’t reading this.
Article comments
1 - Aaman
One of the smartest moves Oprah ever made was putting Dr. Phil on the air. He made her a whole ‘nother shit-load of money - You got that right, dude
Imagine how good Comedy Central would be if it was on HBO:)
2 - NancyGail
If you cannot stand Dr. Phil, why are you watching? I enjoy both him and Oprah, but think many of those topics they put on the air were not important enough to begin with.
Oprah often looks like a complete idiot when doing interviews, imo btw. She should not be shocked by anything as long as she's had her show.
3 - Dawn
Both Oprah and Dr. Phil are self-important dickfaces who make a mockery of themselves trying to appear as though they are doing something good when they are just making a fat buck off the hyper insecure society of women who can't find something better to do than watch these two noodniks drone on about rehashed tired shit.
At least Jerry Springer is entertaining and dumb. I mean what's one without the other?
4 - Keefer
I am outraged at what is going on with tv and radio these days. We have reverted back to the 1950's. I listen to Howard Stern a lot. The other day he was playing something from Oprah where they were talking about how your feces should look in the toilet. But it's ok because it's Oprah and she is "saving people's lives." He made the point that if he had done the same thing, he would have been fined out the wazoo. I agree.
From Nancy's comment, "If you cannot stand Dr. Phil, why are you watching?"
I would love to ask everyone that. If you are offended by certain shows, don't watch. I don't want to be penalized from watching things I want to watch just because parents can't learn to operate a v-chip in a tv.
What really burns me up is watching the Star Wars re-runs on Fox. They have a warning after every commercial that the movie contains adult or mature themes. Come on... It's freakin Star Wars!!!!
5 - Aaman
It is amazing that Family Guy is on Fox - Seth really takes the trip of the media.
6 - swingingpuss
My fervent pray to the dear lord is that the long arm of religious passion does not reach cable television and deprive me of hearing my beloved word 'Cocksucker' from Deadwood.
7 - swingingpuss
By the way Star, I loved the post:)
8 - Nick Jones
"The same was true for the girls. Everybody has their beautiful façade on and is just looking for that “special guy” and its never you because you don’t treat them like shit. You foolishly listen to what they say and are clever and funny. And then they say those special words to you; “I like you as a friend”... but I’m not gonna bang you. (And a blowjob is out of the question. Trust me.)
Start acting like a jerk now, or you'll end up like me, thirty years after high school: The-Girlfriend-With-A-Dick, listening to all their guy problems while being ignored as unlovable and unfuckable.
9 - carlito
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/robertsmigelfanclub/
Interesting fan club for Robert Smigel.
10 - DrPat
Arrghhh! Sidebar hijacked!