In what could be an unhappy coincidence or dangerous trend, the bloggers of Blogcritics were forced again, for the second week in a row, to reach out and save someone on the brink of cybercide. Some screamed, "Jump!" Others yelled, "Shoot!" Some begged when they were asked to, then rolled over and did tricks, followed by crotch digging and obnoxious pawing. And before it was all over, the scrivenly whore enjoyed a laying on of hands that got a little Swedish, then veered into a sponge bath.
I am that scrivenly whore. Mac Diva, whom I love and adore, got it right when she said, "Methinks Curt is looking for some attention." The unfinished truth, awaiting only Minwax, is always cheaper than the other kind. Attention is all I ever wanted, and now that I've got it I'd like to misuse it.
I guess when people read "I'm packing my bags" and "my absence is needed" they think I'm leaving. Yet everything I say is tongue in cheek. This is why I write. I'm a blithering idiot. I liff in a pile shit is what I say, but what I mean is I live in a pirate ship.
At least I don't have to keep a stiff upper lip anymore. That was a real bitch. I looked stupid and I talked like a loner with ear flaps. I have never understood the phrase "stiff upper lip." If you or someone you love knows the answer, please radio immediately.
I realize that reading me is a little like watching a chicken race, with the chickens representing ideas. But this is the beauty of blogging. No adults.
Between us chickens I heartily recommend the sponging experience.
I love this "place" Blogcritics. It's like going to mom's. I don't quite live here, but I feel like I do, and neither do you, and so do you. I'm not sure who "mom" is, and I'm positive I don't want to know. But I do thank the Olsen's for their hospitality and vision.
Article comments
1 - Shark
Just for the record:
I look like Mel Gibson with a hangover.
I have a Nissan in the garage.
I don't do yard work; the wife does. (I cook and clean, otherwise known as "foreplay")
I shoot squirrels from my back porch, only because they mess with my birdfeeder, otherwise-- I'm kind to all lower forms of life, including Al Barger, MacDiva, and Yankee fans.
I am a Texan, and proud to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.
My favorite drink is Tequila taken with a pinch of Tang between my cheek 'n gum.
I have two bumper stickers on my car: "The Unabomber Was Right" and "A Bumper Sticker Is Not a Philosophy"
My hobby is watching red-tail hawks take out white wing doves attracted to my precious bird-feeder.
My proudest accomplishment: a 'fan' created a computer virus named after my AOL Writers Club screen name (mshark) in the mid-1990s.
Now that we've straightened that out (and BCers have a better picture of me when they masturbate), we must address Fisher's need for attention.
We pleaded, we begged, we complimented, and we lied.
And now it's time to kick yer ass.
2 - Jonathan
"My proudest accomplishment: a 'fan' created a computer virus named after my AOL Writers Club screen name (mshark) in the mid-1990s."
That's impressive, cool.
"Now that we've straightened that out (and BCers have a better picture of me when they masturbate),"
I can't masturbate to you anymore, now that I know you look like Mel Gibson with a hangover. I used to imagine that you looked like a sober, clean, Mel. The illusion is shattered. :(
3 - Shark
Oh come on, Jonathan, you know you're only a few beers away from thinking I'm Johnny Depp.
Give in, babe, give in.
4 - BB
CW & Shark:
!!! BB falls on the floor in a fit of uncontrolled laughter... searching... for... breath... muttering... "wait... just...one...minute..."
...???
...???
Forget it. I'll try later.
5 - CW Fisher
Dear BB - Please go here for everything you ever wanted to know about fried sugar products and their many benefits. I'll give you the recipe if you tell me where you live. No, not the exact street address. I'm not coming over. I just want to know how it is that someone hasn't heard of Krispy Kreme. Although, now that I think about it, it hasn't been that long for me either, but every day that passes, it gets longer and longer. "Krispy Kreme" presents two opposing concepts, "crispy," and "creamy," changes the spelling and expects nobody to notice. It like saying "pancake balls." People would say mm! then mm? It's actually not a bad idea. Another MDI?
Over here in America we eat real bad and wonder why we're fat. This is because obesity causes stupidity.
Humans, like junkies, eat like wasps.
To avoid being killed by bears, hunters have been buying 5 lb. bricks of chocolate, rejected by the manufacturer and setting it out for the bears to find. They get drunk on the stuff, playful, stupid. You can walk right up to them, they ask you to hand them the remote. This is what diet does to you.
McDonald's just de-supersized their menu, but Americans immediately figured out the math and bought two. Who looks stupid now? Turn up the lights, turn down the lights. Will Americans get thinner? No. We've passed it along to our children. I see them rolling to school in the morning. They've added a new category after toddler: waddler. Any baby over 100 lbs. People who are quick the baby should remember who makes the decision to turn into McDonald's every day. The baby. Strong baby. Want McFormula. Deep voices those kids.
If the world wanted to get thin they'd all get on CW's Don't Buy It Diet. It's real simple. Anything bad for you, you don't buy. You don't bring it into the house. It doesn't make it past your front teeth.
You can still go to McDonald's. Just be sure to say, "I'm on CW's Don't Buy It Diet. What can I have here?" If they hand you an approved list of OK To Buy It Diet, and something can always be arranged, then you can buy it!
Sort of like a toll that people pay to, well, me, as a way of saying thanks. You saved my big fat ass and turned it into a piece of cous cous. How ever can we thank you?
And I will, of course, invite them to send more money, via PayPal.
I've this all worked out, BB. But that's what Krispy Kreme is. I felt I had to give you a complete answer because you reminded me so much of Donny, jumping in the background: "What's Krispy Kreme?
Eventually you won't go in there at all.
6 - BB
Coincidentally just yesterday I heard that our first Krispy Kreme was arriving in our beautiful little town.
Thanx to you CW I now have all the poop and can edumacate the locals.
I only met you a month ago and one wonders how on earth I did without you all this time :-)