Time went on and I started to heal. In my own quiet way, I worked through the anger and the loneliness as best I could. I still kept my dirty secret, but I was dealing with it on my terms. Right or wrong, it was my burden.
Eventually, Eric wore me down. He came by every day. He called all the time. He missed me. Maybe as much as I missed him. I didn't know if he'd still want to see me if he knew my dark secret and I resolved not to tell him. We started dating again. After one great day at the beach, we pulled up at the side of my house and sat, talking.
"I know there's something wrong. Is it me? Did I do something to hurt you?" he asked. He pleaded with me to tell him what was wrong. The fear in his eyes broke me.
I burst into tears and told him the whole story. He let out a guttural cry and slammed his fist into the dash of the car. I jumped. I reached out for the door handle. I was going to get out and run. I knew he would react this way. I knew he would hate me. Before I could open the door though, he grabbed me. He yelled at me to look at him. He had tears in his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me? How could you go through this alone? Don't you know that I've always been here for you? I would have gone after those bastards and beat the shit out of them! Why? Why didn't you tell me?" And, he pulled me to his chest. We sat and cried for a long, long time. Together.
He never once made me feel anything other than accepted after that. He did everything in his power to let me know that, other than his anger at the two guys who'd attacked me, he felt nothing but good things for me. We were inseparable after that. As often as I could be, I was with him. My parents, who found out about everything, were relieved that there was someone who cared enough about me to watch out for me and take care of me.
The summer was ours. It wasn't always light and easy. I had black moments of rage and hate. Eric simply sat with me and talked the light back into my world. He had his moments, too. He was still very angry that someone had hurt me so badly. I talked him through those times. It was something we did as a team. Together, we ate up the days and the sun and the surf. We often spent whole days, from sun up to sun down, at the beach. It was our time. It was a time for healing and growing. We ran and splashed and played in the water like little kids. We gathered shells, chased his dog — the one who could still see and walk — we had barbeques, sang songs, read each other books, and daydreamed. We flew kites, watched sunsets, held hands, and took comfort in the presence of one another. Sometimes other people joined us. Sometimes we went alone. It didn't matter. The summer was ours.
Article comments
1 - -E
Joanie you truly are a treasure to the written word. Thanks for sharing this with the world. I've been raped myself and it never fails to make me teary eyed to hear that someone else has had to deal with it. It happens in all different shapes and sizes and colors and patterns that there is no telling who will say they, too, have survived it. I am glad you had someone you could trust that was so supportive for you in that time.
And I'm slightly jealous. I'm going to be 24 next month and never loved anyone, let alone told them.
2 - Christopher Rose
Fabulous work, Joan.
Thank you.
3 - chantal stone
Joan...what a beautiful story! my heart raced and i had tears in my eyes, reading your heartfelt and honest words. don't leave us hanging....we'll be waiting to hear what happened when Eric came back.
4 - Connie Phillips
Joan,
Thank you for sharing both the horrific and the wonderful. I too hope you decide to share the more about Eric with us.
5 - El Bicho
Very powerful and moving.
6 - sujatha
Lovely, heart wrenching story. Beautiful writing. Yay! for Eric. Hugs.
7 - Scott Butki
Joanie, big hug. This must have been hard to write about but I thank you for sharing it.
Eric sounds like such a good catch. I hope you write about what happens next with him.
8 - Scott Butki
Are you going to write an update or sequel?
I'd love to read it.
9 - Joanie
Scott, I don't know if I'm going to follow up on this one. The rest of it isn't nearly as heartwarming and easy to read.
10 - Scott Butki
Nothing wrong with some negativity.
11 - Will
That was lovely...
12 - poignantisle
After a long time i reaaly felt filled , with your words .. Please write the rest -- Shankar.
13 - rhonz
your story is so interesting, it really cathes my attention and im really touched by it...hope you'll both live happily with each other...
14 - LuLuLzZ
i lulz'd my way through this, best part was when he said he needed more than sex to keep his attention.. LULZZZ my ass dude, i bet he found out he was gay and went to bang his "best friend" in lake tahoa or whatever u said. a dude as emotional as you has to either be gay or on their way... bottom line: SUXXX FOR UUUUU