One day, I woke up feeling sick. In my heart of hearts, I knew. I knew that the night of the rape had left me pregnant. The guys had used condoms the first time they had at me. After that, they didn't care. I guess holding someone down, punching her in the stomach and chest, and the power they felt made them forget the "essentials." At some point, I stopped caring. All I wanted was to be home, safe, showered, and in my bed. I wanted the nightmare to be over. A couple months later, it still wasn't over. I thought of Eric. How we'd never been sexually intimate and how, if we ever got back together, we never would be because I was damaged goods now.
In the two months following the attack, I stuck close to home. Afraid. Afraid of everything. Eric showed up one day and asked my folks if he could take me to the beach. I said I didn't want to go, but my parents insisted that I go with him. I think they were sick of me sitting at home. They didn't know what to make of this girl sitting in their house. Later, they told me they thought I was depressed over the breakup with Eric because I'd done so little dating and taken to doing nothing.
At the beach, my heart pounded and I felt sick. I wanted to tell Eric what had happened but stopped short at least a hundred times. How could I ever say those words? It's not like I could blurt out that I had been raped. Or that I could say that I thought I was pregnant. If I told him about it, if the guys found out that I'd said anything, would they make good on their threats? I just couldn't do it. I was ashamed. I was scared.
A couple weeks later, I'd had an abortion and worked hard to move past the horror. I still felt unclean and horrible. But, one of the counselors at Planned Parenthood worked with me and helped me understand that, other than accepting the invitation to go out with the one guy, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that he brought someone else, hid him in the back of the vehicle, and then brutally attacked me. The counselor gave me a referral to another counselor, one who could help me even more. She encouraged me to call. I never called. She encouraged me to file charges against the guys. I never did. She tried her best. No matter what she said, I felt, ultimately, responsible for all that had happened that night. That's why I felt so awful. I honestly believed it was my fault.
Article comments
1 - -E
Joanie you truly are a treasure to the written word. Thanks for sharing this with the world. I've been raped myself and it never fails to make me teary eyed to hear that someone else has had to deal with it. It happens in all different shapes and sizes and colors and patterns that there is no telling who will say they, too, have survived it. I am glad you had someone you could trust that was so supportive for you in that time.
And I'm slightly jealous. I'm going to be 24 next month and never loved anyone, let alone told them.
2 - Christopher Rose
Fabulous work, Joan.
Thank you.
3 - chantal stone
Joan...what a beautiful story! my heart raced and i had tears in my eyes, reading your heartfelt and honest words. don't leave us hanging....we'll be waiting to hear what happened when Eric came back.
4 - Connie Phillips
Joan,
Thank you for sharing both the horrific and the wonderful. I too hope you decide to share the more about Eric with us.
5 - El Bicho
Very powerful and moving.
6 - sujatha
Lovely, heart wrenching story. Beautiful writing. Yay! for Eric. Hugs.
7 - Scott Butki
Joanie, big hug. This must have been hard to write about but I thank you for sharing it.
Eric sounds like such a good catch. I hope you write about what happens next with him.
8 - Scott Butki
Are you going to write an update or sequel?
I'd love to read it.
9 - Joanie
Scott, I don't know if I'm going to follow up on this one. The rest of it isn't nearly as heartwarming and easy to read.
10 - Scott Butki
Nothing wrong with some negativity.
11 - Will
That was lovely...
12 - poignantisle
After a long time i reaaly felt filled , with your words .. Please write the rest -- Shankar.
13 - rhonz
your story is so interesting, it really cathes my attention and im really touched by it...hope you'll both live happily with each other...
14 - LuLuLzZ
i lulz'd my way through this, best part was when he said he needed more than sex to keep his attention.. LULZZZ my ass dude, i bet he found out he was gay and went to bang his "best friend" in lake tahoa or whatever u said. a dude as emotional as you has to either be gay or on their way... bottom line: SUXXX FOR UUUUU