There is only one story that can supplant the amassed concerns of the U.S. body politic as it mobilizes to determine the fate of the nation for the foreseeable future on matters great and small: Britney Spears filed for divorce today from Kevin Federline, the hip-hopping, mom-popping, K-Fed of story and fable.
The doublewide dream is over.
Federline, 28, Britney's former backup dancer who has two OTHER children of the young variety with former girlfriend Shar Jackson, transformed sweet little vixen Britney Jean, 24, from $125M megastar poptart into a slovenly, disoriented infant factory, producing Sean Preston (born on September 14, 2005) and Jayden James (born on September 12, 2006) in a "chaotic" marriage that lasted just over two years of drinking, smoking, rutting, deep musing, and child endangerment.
Spears filed legal papers Tuesday in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences," said court spokeswoman Kathy Roberts, and is asking for legal and physical custody of the two little Spear-fed units.
Unlike, say, Paul McCartney, Britney had the good sense to hit K-Fed up with a vicious pre-nup shielding her assets but good, so she and the little ones will be well taken care of without Federline's bony fingers in the pie.
With Federline, up from the mean streets of Fresno, releasing his own rap album, Playing [very poorly] With Fire, on Halloween, and mixing it up with WWE Champion John Cena on the tube, what does he need that WOMAN bitching at him all the time for?
He is K-FED, tattooed love god and wiry media man, yo.
His time is also up.
This is strike two for young Britney, who after a star-struck, bloom-of-love relationship with Justin Timberlake, married childhood friend Jason Alexander in a drunken Las Vegas haze for about 50 hours in January of '04, before being swept off her feet by slick-stepping dancer K-Fed in a brief four-month romance leading to their September '04 wedding.
Maybe not so quick next time, Brit - people might start talking.
Article comments
1 - DJRadiohead
EO, this is a stylish piece. I actually feel better about my own story seeing how much similar ground we covered. If only you had remembered to blame Karl Rove. Still... "doublewide dream is over" is a classic that will live forever.
2 - Mark Saleski
He is K-FED, tattooed love god and wiry media man, yo.
admit it, dawn wrote that line. ;-)
3 - Phillip Winn
EO is trying to figure out how to politely suggest that he writes all of Dawn's best lines, not the other way around. :-)
4 - DJRadiohead
Not so fast, Phillip. I've been on the phone with Dawn enough times to know she can more than hold her own.
5 - Phillip Winn
Oh, I didn't say EO's claim would be true, just that he might try to get away with it! ;-)
6 - DJRadiohead
EO has been known to turn a clever phrase himself, in a thick Irish accent.
7 - Matthew T. Sussman
Holy crap, DJR.
Why do I have the feeling next week's BC Radio Podcast will have "unforeseen technical difficulties?"
8 - DJRadiohead
At the rate I am getting them churned out, no one will notice the difference!
9 - Christopher Rose
Could someone explain this "doublewide dream" line for the benefit of us non-Yanks?
10 - Jet in Columbus
If it's what I think it is Chris, country folk around here live in two house trailers, I believe you call them caravans. they're manufactured so that when stuck together side-by-side they're refereed to as "double-wides"
When rednecks down south marry, both parties usually live in trailers so they just park 'em side by side, and connect them somehow, that way when the divorce comes, they can split everything, including the house.
I think.
11 - Eric Olsen
thanks for the votes of confidence guys! I would say on stories like this, Dawn and I work best together. She is better with context on celebrity pieces because she follows the action a lot more closely than I do. Of late, sadly, she is otherwise occupied with real life issues so that I may continue to concentrate on da biz, so I came up with this one -- thin as it is -- all by myself.
Josh, we did talk about a lot of the same themes but you did a much better job with the political aspect and I think that's more important than anything I came up with - two heads are better than one!
And yes, "doublewide" refers to the love nest trailer. Given Britney's $100M+ fortune, this is not to be taken literally.
12 - Ken Edwards
Man, and I thought her career was over once that Greatest Hits album hit...
13 - Jewels
Dragging Sir Paul into this mix just smacks of wrong. Bad enough McCartney's wading through his own divorce Hell, now to have his name included in this article with Trailer Park PopTart and her K-Fed Freak one other unfortunate example of how tragic his choice in hooking with that one-legged hussy.
The big shame, Trailer Park Poptart exhibited more sense than Sir Paul and had a tight pre-nup.
Fun read EO.
14 - Dawn
Man, how I wish I had come up with "Doublewide Dream Over" - what really would have happened, were I not neck-deep in records and cds is I would have had some title like "Britney Files For Divorce: Malibu Yard Sale set for Spears/K-Fed Trinkets and Doohickies" and it would have been translated into the aforementioned gem of genius.
That's how things work around here.
15 - Phillip Winn
Twists on K-Fed becoming Fed-Ex would be nice.
Christopher, Jet's got it mostly right. I don't think anybody actually expects newlyweds to literally hitch two trailers together, but "wealthy" (all things being relative) folks might move into a "double-wide" together. Some details and examples at Wikipedia.
16 - Kevin Zarbock
She's not some one I care for and neither is that K-Fed. What kind of nick name is that, It sounds like the latest rave drug or something. They should both go away. Brittney because, will she's an annoying tart and that Kevin Featherline or what ever his name is because he make the rest of us Kevin's look will bad. Now go to my Blog at www.Helium.com and read some real stuff about real news.
17 - Emily
Youll only married for attention and marriage should be taken more seriously