What's up with sexual and emotional cheating? People claim they want a forever relationship. Does biology make us cheat?
My mission in watching Discovery Channel's Science of Sex Appeal was to understand the scientific take on what's up with the sexual and emotional cheating I see in my therapy practice. People say they want a forever relationship — so what is happening?…
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26 - Sexy
Finished reading the rest of the comments on this page, I don't see where you all get this idea that there is such a thing as an 'ugly' or 'pretty' person, its all about how we perceive. Re-look at the experiment, 'ugly' is used to demonstrate how we repel people and 'pretty' is used to show how we attract it does not mean that one face is literally better designed than another, just that our perceptions of people are designed to lead us to each other.
27 - jblog
does anyone know if this show is still on?
28 - Shorty
So. Is it possible to have long lasting love with one man? To be continuously attracted to the same person? If we work hard, take care of our bodies and make an effort to spice things up, can we still feel the fire in 35 years?
29 - jon
Women are generally repelled by men’s scent (except when they are within a day or two of ovulation)...
Makes sense since I haven't bathed in a week.
30 - Arun
I saw some of this program, where it compared people's faces to the 'symmetrical' versions of themselves. People chose the symmetrical version as more attractive, and the program said its our genetics that go for that trait.
And I was like, bullshit. In every one of the face pairings, the original face had a goofy/jaded tinge to it. The symmetrical version basically straightened out the smile to look happy.
That's why people chose it.
No wonder the divorce rate is hitting 60%; people go in following these sorts of programs/magazine 'Guess what they think!' stuff/latest science trend, and end up finding out that reality is a bit different.
People conform to standards of attraction, based on the individual or social level. It's why men's tastes can vary from the child-like Asian girl to the plus-size model to the female athlete, and the same thing for women. It's why standards of attraction differ from city to city, country to country, continent to continent. It's why people in India are trying to bleach their skin to be come more white, and folks over here in the West try to get their tan on.
You want to become attractive and have a good life-long relationship? Get some confidence and be who you are. Want to become part of the divorce statistic, and more than like part of the domestic violence one? Follow what the sheep do.
31 - DrCoachLove
Hi, Arun,
Thanks for sharing all your thinking on this subject.
While the science is interesting, it can only explain a part of how humans behave---the nature (science) vs nurture (culture, fam, experiences, CHOICE, etc.)
I believe there is more than 1 somebody for everybody----but that geography can be an obstacle. If we have the view that we do not have to please anyone but ourselves---that can work to an extent----provided we do not seek an intimate partnership. If we decide to become our best attractive selves, that genuinness along with an interdependency model,will attract someone---if the goegraphy allows.
32 - Colleen
Yes! Nature vs nurture... animal instincts vs social pressures. It's what we're all about.
Here are some thoughts in response to other comments I've read:
On Monogamy: Our hormones may tell us to seek a variety of partners to create a diverse next generation, but social and religious pressures have traditionally valued monogamy. However, recent decades have seen diminished religious values (in general) and shifting social ideals that value the happiness of the individual rather than the collective (or marriage). Now that social pressures are no longer sufficient to keep us in a non-ideal marriage, monogamy seems like a pipe-dream. I think that knowing why we have trouble with monogamy makes us better equipped to decide how to handle our relationships. Marriage is, and always has been, a constant, re-occurring decision to stay with one person, whether for social reasons, child-rearing, companionship or love.
On Beautiful Women: Men don't find "beautiful" women attractive. Society applies the label of "beautiful" to the women that men instinctively choose (and may I suggest on a side note that current beauty trends lean more towards what women find attractive - boyish figure, no body fat, small breasts.. rather than the curvy Marylin Monroe or the pudgy classical statues - most likely because women spend more money on beauty than men do). Men instinctively want to fertilize something, so they go for big boobs and skinny waist. Their battle is with the social expectation that they stick around and support the mother and child, which leads them to want the same things women do in a long term companion: compatability with a sprinkling of social acceptance.
On Men Smelling Bad: I think the study is probably right. Women don't generally like how men smell. BUT, I'm sure we have a Pavlovian reaction to our own man which overpowers our initial aversion. If you find your man sexy, secure, comforting, etc, I think that's what he smells like all the time, kinda the way a weird smell might remind you of your childhood home or Christmas or something. It has nothing to do with the smell anymore, but with the associated feeling. Oh, and if he really pisses you off and you break up with him, I bet he'll smell disgusting again.
On Women Wanting Men With Money: The show explains how women go for what they think will best support them in the next few years. They used financial status as an indicator for security. I don't think this means that all women go for men with money despite other factors, but the sense of financial wealth, which is linked to social standing, suggests something about the future. It would have been a lot harder to write on the pictures "dependable, can repair problems in the house, has a secure job, your friends will like him, etc etc"
33 - DrCoachLove
Hi, Thanks for your well considered opinion. Adds a lot to this discussion.
34 - Jayjay
I was going to watch this, but now I'm not going to... I found this sad and depressing. Maybe I'll watch it in the future when I'm emotionally stronger.
Your article was interesting though, thanks.
35 - DrCoachLove
Hi, Jayjay,
I appreciate your comments---the science can be sad and depressing, we do not control it. But---the good news is we can alter our 'early nurture' impact and take charge, that is, no parent or society bashing. Become your best self, tweak with trusted external feedback, actively seek partnership (if desired),then apply a reasonable level of tolerance and compromise. This approach is more than a "seek and you shall find" formula and can be successful. Think you may try it?
36 - yash
Statistical is not much helpful.....i knew many things bout sex appeal bfore watching dis show....nd i know .....why is dis thing like this....
37 - sojourner
Dr. Coach,
I find myself in that situation you described, feeling like I love my fiance but that I am not in love. I don't feel rushes of dopamine. I don't feel joy and passion in kissing. Yet I have an intense love, attachment and admiration of my partner. He is the best, most brilliant person I have ever met. It is clear to me that he will make the best father and husband that I can imagine. Yet my lack of chemistry is causing so much anxiety for me, and making me feel like something is wrong, even though no one has ever treated me as well as he does. I have been causing him so much pain with all of my indecision and unwillingness to move forward. I am searching for answers and I am heartened by your comments that we need not be slave to our chemistry, that we can consciously choose a partner. I have been feeling like a captive, like I want to be with him but something in my body won't let me. And of course I don't want to be in such opposition with my body. I don't know if I can sustain it. And yet it would be devastating to both of us if I left.
38 - Bleo
I like how people argue that this kind of research reduces us human to mere animals.
But what they don't realise is that smell, symmetry of face and body and other aspect of attraction influences at a subconscious and primitive level. Still remember people always say" first impression counts"?
It is still very true today. We met someone for the first time, his smell, his symmetry body and face definitely set the positive mood for attraction. And definitely soften the impact should he say something bad later.
Compare with a man that smell like rubbish and look like a loser, whatever good stuff or things he talk about would not have that same level of positive-ness that he previous guy enjoy.
In conclusion, these result may seem like that they have reduced us to animals but we cannot ignore that the research definitely do have some truths to it. What we can do is to use these fact to help ourself when it comes to the pursuit of our happiness. Also, let not forget the ladies, these research definitely will teach them to recognise all the different technique guys use to bed them. As such, they would be less likely fall prey to deceit.
Read more at my blog! Thescienceofattraction.com
39 - drcoachlove
Hi, thanks for your thoughtful comments.
Even though "looks can be deceiving" and "you can't judge a book by its cover", we do just that--and "covers" DO sell the book and the person