My mission in watching Discovery Channel's Science of Sex Appeal was to understand the scientific take on what's up with the sexual and emotional cheating I see in my therapy practice. People say they want a forever relationship — so what is happening?
Briefly, the science says we are predisposed chemically away from long-term monogamy and pair bonding, but we can choose to use the tremendous power of our gigantic human brains to maintain our relationships. Okay... then how do we choose our partners and how do we stay happily together long-term?
The feature began by explaining that the sexual attraction game consists of three parts: choosing a partner, keeping a partner, and building a nest together to raise children. From the start of the show, the rapid-fire polysyllabic banter of Science of Sex Appeal was difficult to follow. But I was determined to get my questions answered and apply the information in my professional practice.
One research study illustrated that women tend to choose partners based on status or resources as a priority. Groups of women, selected at random, were shown photos of similarly dressed men of relatively equal attractiveness. Following a baseline numerical rating of attractiveness, later groups were shown the same pictures, but with an indication of social and economic status — five- or six-figure incomes. The attractiveness ratings rose or fell significantly in direct correlation to perceived income level.
And the science of partner selection continues with human odor as a factor. Couples can discern the special smell of their partner. Every man has a unique smell — 'eau de man.' Research has demonstrated that odor affects us at a subconscious level. We can't control it. No two people smell the same or have the same ‘HMC’, as it is called. There is an optimum match for HMC.
Women are generally repelled by men’s scent (except when they are within a day or two of ovulation); but men, when exposed to vaginal secretions, are consistently attracted. In experiments where men inhale imperceptible low doses of artificial copulants, the attractiveness rating of women shown in pictures is higher. Copulants impair men’s ability to discriminate whether a woman is attractive. The scent of copulants prevents them from thinking clearly. (Odor also helps us steer clear of relatives and has performed the evolutionary role of "incest avoidance.")
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Cindy
Coach,
Interesting article. I had some objections throughout. This one, I'll mention.
Women are generally repelled by men’s scent (except when they are within a day or two of ovulation)...
I find this surprising. It's not my experience in talking to women about such things. It's certainly not my own experience.
In the end though, I'll agree with this conclusion:
And despite the science of the chemical triggers of sex appeal, we are capable of choices, which honor and create healthy emotional relationships.
2 - Dr. Coach Love
Hi, Cindy,
Thanks for bringing your thoughts to this one.
As with scientific research, results are not unanimous, just statistically significant findings. If any of us was actually one of the research subjects, our experiences may have fallen on the minority side of the results---not the statistically significant ones that are reported as the conclusions. The research does not speak to our experience---just that of many others who, if not aware, can now be alerted to what is happening with them and change course if desired.
Truth told, results of research on women often do not represent me personally either---like you are reporting here. So I focus on the bottom line here as you do.
Anyone else want to add your thoughts to this discussion? Please chime in.
3 - Cindy
Hi Coach,
I am familiar with scientific research and research methodology, having been a psychology major. I also am a skeptic and familiar with research flaws.
I have a tendency to do a review of the literature myself if no one has done a recent one and to look at the actual study for flaws myself, before I tentatively accept any conclusions.
But, yes. I understand that I may be in the minority. It is simply that I find the chances of meeting so many women throughout my 48 years, who actually like the smell of men, to be unlikely by chance. Of course there is always the remote possibility that I could be biased. :-)
4 - Cindy
Okay, where are the random women? :-) We need a question answered here.
5 - Dr. Coach Love
Hi, again Cindy,
Always good to have skeptics like you around and for everyone to take research tentatively. Research desgns can be flawed. My review and opinion were focused on the Discovery Channel's report of the study.
The random women only had to like the smell of men for less than 72 hours per month (while ovulating) and were likely unaware. Otherwise the research suggests---consistently with what you annecdotally report---women think men stink. I say that with deepest apologies to my darling husband and all you wonderful guys out there.
But as I think we agreed, what I conclude as the importance of the study is the lesson to be aware and use your chemistry and brain to work for your relationship---not against it.
6 - Cindy
Coach,
No! wait! lol You got me wrong. Allow me to restate.
Most of the women I have met (any actually discussed this with) like the smell of men. I find it unlikely that, by chance, I personally would happen upon so many women who are supposed to be in the minority.
However, since I like the way men smell, perhaps these women were more inclined to be more open to me about breaking what might be a "cultural norm" or maybe I am simply biased. Maybe I only remember the opinion that agrees with mine.
So what I am saying is, the test results can be skewed for a reason no more complex than a desire to fit a perceived norm. Or I can be wrong.
7 - ASiCat
Hey, there, Cindy!
Just stopping by to give you a thumbs up for a thoughtfully presented article. I will be definitely keeping in mind your advice -- especially, being in a committed 4 year 3 months relationship (almost a year and half of them married).
I also favorite-placed your blog. I'll be sure to stop by.
As for the tie breaker, well, I can tell you I like the...scent of my husband. It's not quite smell, just a subtle tang of masculinity mixed with his favorite aftershave. He doesn't wear perfume.
And I can tell you that one of the men I emphatically did NOT date (not for his lack of wanting) smelled. But you see, it wasn't from lack of hygiene. It was just too...animalistic, I guess. He smelled (and occasionally, was) on the verge of an erection. Regardless of my ovulatory cycle there, he was never an attractive candidate.
8 - ASiCat
OOPS! I am a twit, Dr. Love -- and Cindy.
I just thought you guys were the same person. MEA CULPA!!!!!!
But I still thought the article well-presented and smart. And I still appreciate CINDY referring me to it.
SOWWY. :-)
9 - Dr. Coach Love
Hi, ASiCat & Cindy,
Glad you both weighed in on this. Your man smells good to you, so does mine. Your comments are all interesting and very awareness oriented. Wonder if lots of women reflect on their man's scent---except if he has a hygiene issue?
No problem about the mix up_ _it happens. I am humbly pleased you place-favored my blog. And thanks to you,too, Cindy.
Later, Dr. Coach Love (DCL)
10 - ASiCat
Thank you, Coach!
And as for your musings, I think maybe we all do...in that kind of unconscious manner. The only reason I actually became so acutely aware of it is precisely BECAUSE of that non-ex-boyfriend. Until J, I never noticed the scent other than perfume or a hygiene issue, but after, it almost became a litmus test.
Incidentally, I am writing another article -- well, so far collecting research for it -- and I was wondering if I could pick your brain. Certainly, I am going to list you as an expert opinion.
11 - Dr. Coach Love
HeY, ASiCat,
My brain may be ripe and may be pickable. Contact me through my personal website to discuss possibilities if you like.
Dr. Coach Love
12 - Christopher Rose
Doc Coach, if you want people to contact you through your site, you need to amend the URL you have in that little box just above where you type in your comments. The first seven characters are missing and I can't keep fixing it for you for ever...
Christopher Rose
Blogcritics Comments Editor
13 - Dr. Coach Love
Hello Christopher Rose,
My computer has crashed so I am coming from elsewhere. I'm not a techie and am in a learning mode with most of this. Can you be more specific in your directions? Does entering the url above satisfy what you are talking about? I thought commenters could already go directly to me through my personal site. Please explain. Thanks for your help.
Dr. Coach Love
14 - Lisa McKay
Doc Coach, what Christopher means is that you need to put a fully qualified URL into the URL field in the comments box. In other words, do not start with www. You need to put the complete URL (http, etc) in order for the link to work.
15 - zingzing
what the research suggests, ladies, is that you lie. or some of you do. a majority, perhaps? you lie to your men and you lie to each other. that may sound harsh, but it's a good kind of lie. one that keeps someone from getting hurt. (like your stank-ass man.) and maybe it saves you a little face as well.
or maybe it suggests that the research is asking the wrong question. maybe your man does smell awful. but you just like it anyway. i mean, i doubt you'd be too enthusiastic about another woman sniffing you man's armpit, right? probably because it stinks. but it's your stink. or his stink... that you've co-opted.
16 - Cindy
zing?
What in the world are you talking about?
I am not talking about people who never bathe. I am not talking about the guy on dirty jobs (or whatever that show is). I am talking about normal and mild scent.
How can an animal not be attracted to a partner animal's scent? That seems highly unlikely. Even neurotic and imposed (by advertising is my guess).
If women (or men) do not like the normal scent of eachother--my question is "what the hell happened to them to make them like that?"
17 - zingzing
that's the point, cindy. that a woman likes HER man's scent, even if he's been working outside all day. but another woman probably would not, unless she was attracted to the same guy.
our brains connect love/lust and odor. if i had been working outside all day, (and as long as the only odor sticking to me was my own sweat), my girlfriend would probably give me a good hug and a sniff and an etc, etc, etc. you, on the other hand, would probably declare me foul and demand that i take a shower before i get that stink all over the furniture.
to further make the point, i used to smoke this stuff called butterfly tobacco. it was cheap and smelled like pipe tobacco. my girlfriend loves the smell. in fact, the girlfriend before that loved the smell of it as well. both said that it was a "comforting" smell, and that it just reminded them of me. my former girlfriend's sister, on the other hand, said it smelled like "baby shit." and my brother said that when i visited him, his living room stank of it for days.
18 - Cindy
zing,
lol sorry i didn't understand your post.
that is my experience too. i have always found the man i am in love with to be the most extraordinary creature in every sense. in beauty and scent and etc.
and this is despite age or physical stature. or objective ideas of beauty, which i personally find quite meaningless.
and it is not a result of infatuation, as i have been with my husband over the course of 30 years (with 10 years off in the middle, so actually 20)...and he is still as extraordinary as ever.
and i fully concur with your gfs' and understand why the smell of your tobacco would be comforting to her...er...them
19 - the GreyWolf
I had a big problem with the show. It should have been called "The Science of What Caucasians Find Attractive". The "random" sampling of people was anything but. Where were the Asians, Hispanics and Blacks? Isn't one of the foundations of a good experiment to have as broad a sampling as possible? Is the point that only Euro/Anglo/Nordic-type features are the only attractive ones? Very poor show.
20 - Aithinne
This show was very interesting, but I was depressed by the time I finished watching it. It's not like it's anything new, anyway. Men want beautiful perfect women. OMG! I had NO IDEA. So what if you're not pretty? What do you do then? The show didn't comment on THAT dilemma. Are we plain girls just doomed from the start? THAT's what I want to know so I can judge if it's worth it to put the energy into a pointless exercise. Maybe I should get some of that copulence perfume and wear it when I go out? The show said men lose their ability to judge attractiveness when they smell it....
And I had issues on their findings with women. I, like other women here, think that men smell great all or most of the time. Well, at least the man you're with smells great all the time. Also, am I the only chick who doesn't care about a man's money? The extent to my caring about a man's money is whether he can take care of himself and pay his bills like a responsible adult. I don't know where they got those stupid women on the program at the car show, but seriously? All men say women care about is money. Am I the only one who doesn't really? How about we give the girls a little credit here.
Overall, I found the program interesting from a science point of view, but I don't think I'll watch it again because it just paints a really sad picture of humanity. Beautiful girl gets guy, rich guy gets girl. Ugh, shoot me now.
21 - Dr, Coach Love
Hi, Aithinne,
Thank you for your different perspective on the Science of Sex Appeal. I can see how the glamour and hope of finding a partner as portrayed in the show can be depressing. But sex appeal is only about initial selection and not long term partnership. But here's what I believe:
1. Being beautiful also carries a lot of misfortune and burdens.
2. Attractiveness carries the cumbersome burden of getting too much attention, often for the wrong reasons---just like having too much money. (Fortunately, I have neither problem. Average works for me.)
3. For decades, I have observed firsthand in my profession that most men, who profess that their wives are attractive, really are not with a particularly gorgeous or attractive woman. I have seen countless successful couples, who to the outside observer, are mismatched at a physical attractiveness level. Whether the attraction and love are based mostly on her scent, personality, or simply how she lovingly accepts him for who he is, I'm not sure. But I believe it's probably a combination of all of that and relationships skills.
4. There is probably a "perfect" person for each of us hidden somewhere around the globe. It is also likely that we will never find that "perfect" person.
5. And anyway, the person we can love and live with long-term is the one whose flaws we see and can accept. Perhaps this is truly the "perfect" partnership of imperfect people because we can create a balance in the relationship when we allow our flaws to hang out and he can accept them in return--- unless of course, we are perfect and have no flaws to trade.
6. The Internet is "beauty blind" and provides the opportunity to show our internal stuff honestly in advance of the impact of our appearance and beauty that is only skin deep.
I realize that your situation is probably complicated. Gently, I would suggest that there is a man out there who will accept your level of attractiveness or "plainness" and appreciate the internal qualities that are you.
Just some thoughts---Do you judge yourself harshly? How do you judge the men you see and meet? Are you maybe either too hard on them or very unselective? Keep working on it and let it happen!
Dr. Coach Love
22 - Cindy
Aithinne,
I am with you! Now I think I should watch this show.
Here is a question: How does one arrive at what is human nature if one only looks at examples that have suffered damage?
Another one: If the norms in a society are sick, of what benefit is it to a person try to conform to them?
We are inundated with advertising from the minute we can form ideas. Advertising meant to coerce us into buying things by making us feel inadequate. Through this process, corporations define what our cultural norms are.
What would someone expect to happen if young forming human minds are submitted to a constant barrage of input that tells us we should look like some idealized image, that if we buy some product, we can approach this ideal.
Fight Lookism.
"Beauty must be defined as what we are, or else the concept itself is our enemy."
From racism to sexism to ageism to class-oppression to lookism to homophobia...it all needs to go. Anarchism is a philosophy that subverts these ideas, I hope you check it out. Deconstruct your beauty norms. There are men who do this as well. Don't give in to cultural imperatives. We should all question beliefs that are unconsciously imposed on us.
To go along with this is to support a system that encourages women and men to hate themselves. People need to ask themselves if they want to go along with this. Do we want to let corporations decide how we view ourselves? Do we want our beautiful daughters feeling they need breast implants and liposuction? Our lovely sons feeling that they aren't okay if the lose their hair, if they're short?
If we don't stand against this, we are inadvertently acting in support of it.
23 - Aithinne
Thanks for your comments. I honestly don't know how I feel on the subject. I have so many emotions about it that some days I feel down and wish I could be different, and other days I like myself just fine and am angry that my outer shell is so unacceptable to everyone else, and angry that the shell has to be so important to the men of the world in the first place. And then I get angry that I get so emotional because I'm normally a very even-tempered person. This subject is just one of the few subjects that hits a very unsavory chord. The reality is, and the show pointed it out clearly, men want an attractive woman. Men approach women they are attracted to, then find out if they like their personality. But if you don't have the perfect shell, they'll never find out if you have a good personality or not. If you're not pretty, you don't get a chance. So their behavior seems to say, be beautiful or go home.
I don't think I judge myself too harshly, I tend to like the way I am. I have my bad days, but on a whole, I'm okay with myself. It seems like everyone else judges too harshly though, especially men. I don't think I judge men harshly either. I have 4 requirements: no jerks, no overly/obnoxiously arrogant men, someone that can carry an intelligent conversation, and chemistry. Granted, chemistry is unfortunately kind of ambiguous. I'm not that particular about looks on a guy, as long as basic hygiene is followed. I had a thing for this guy in college who probably didn't have the best body by stupid social standards (he was kind of skinny), but dang, he had the best eyes and the most mischevious smile in the world and he was a lot of fun to talk to.
I try to keep that important balance between being too picky and not picky enough. I don't really know what to think about men. I don't understand them. Why can't all women be acceptable? Grr. I don't even know what to think anymore. I guess if no man is going to want me in his life, then that's the way it's going to be.
24 - Cindy
The reality is, and the show pointed it out clearly, men want an attractive woman.
Like I said. Go find a nice anarchist fellow. One who has principles. :-)
25 - Sexy
I am confused as to why pop science see's this as a remarkable insight, we are animals who relate to our environment and others through our senses, so of course we like the smells and tastes of people who are trying to attract us. These experiments are not trying say that we have no choices, or that people are ugly or pretty, just that they may be perceived as such by those they are trying to attract. I'm sure most people understand this birds and the bees concept. Its all about survival, so love who you are and people will love you to. I don't just think its all about sex and reproduction, but about safety, as we have many relationships that are not romantic. If you are scared you will seek out familiar faces and smells to comfort you, and seek unusual sensations when feeling safe. Rich men attract greedy women and beautiful girls attract shallow men, not a bad thing just shows the more you express who you are, and become happy with this, the more likely you are to find a 'perfect' match, rather than attracting lots of people superficially.