Diggin' up Kerry

CW FISHER

Let's see what they've got on John Kerry so far.

1) He looks like Herman Munster.

Good start. I'm surprised no one's noticed he also looks like Officer Muldoon. (Note to Karl Rove: You can use that).

Yesterday, blogger Eric Olsen riffed on Kerry's high school band, the Electras. The boys cut a record, made 500 copies, and actually sold one recently on eBay for $2,500. Kerry, who played bass, was barely remembered by the other band members, which is the mark of a good bass player. Musically, it's a thankless job: you stand in the shadows and thump — yet the stories of what young girls want to do to bass players are too common for coincidence, and thank God, or there would be no bass players.

The Europeans are impressed. Until now, they thought Kerry was "aloof." Now the EU CW says he's "one of us." This is the kind of self-image that will keep Europe playing oompa to America's accordion for generations to come.

If John Kerry had stopped growing in high school, his bass-playing days would be just another historical liner note. But Kerry has always been a renaissance man. He recently began training for classical guitar — the kind played by Segovia, strung with catgut and nylon, with frets the size of Oklahoma, Nebraska and Kansas on which only certain tunes can be played that require sheet music, key signatures and the ability to sense a run of sixteenth notes three measures ahead. There are only two types of Americans who play classical guitar: those who live in Europe, and those with an insatiable drive to prove they're better than us. So the Euros got it wrong.

The buzz is the man is good, and apparently he's happy to play for anyone anytime — the problem is getting him to stop. Let Leno deal with that. I'm just happy it's not a saxophone. Or a tuba.

Meanwhile, let's check the competition. What does George play?

Unfairly. While Congress slept he pushed through another radical neocon federal judge with an agenda. This is twice now. A "flagrant abuse of presidential power," as Ted Kennedy called it, but hey. What else about JFK? According to this, lots!

He flies the plane between campaign stops, and he doesn't dress up for it!

He kills and eats doves. Yes, the kind that brought the olive branch to Noah, the kind that protests wars, all wars, that considers testosterone to be poison. The kind that Republicans like to vilify. He shoots 'em, guts 'em, cleans 'em, eats 'em, smacks his lips and says, "I love dove." That's an actual quote.

Article Author: CW Fisher

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