My birthday was Saturday. (I share the date with George Bush, Sr. He celebrated by jumping out of an airplane with a parachute; I considered jumping off a building without one.)
So on June 12, 2004, a sixteen-year-old looked in the mirror and saw a fifty-something man with a white goatee and a pair of crow's feet that make the Nile Delta look like Yul Bryner's scalp.
When you're young, you lie about your age, bumping it up by a few years. Then there comes a short phase when you tell the truth; you're at your peak and proud of it. That doesn't last long, though, because as one ages, time speeds up exponentially; an interminable hour for a child becomes a blur and the blink of an eye for an older person. (It's a Universal Law written by a Sadistic Creator.)
Pretty soon, you start lying again, but this time, bumping the years up by a decade or two. (I tell people I'm 86.) That's because I so desperately want to hear, "But you look so young!".
So yeah, I'm depressed, but like most Americans, I'm also glad that I have the luxury to BE depressed. We Americans get things like "free-floating anxiety" — which means we're bummed out but we don't know why. We feel crappy and helpless but can't exactly isolate it with a nice one or two word summary. Naming the monster, whether it's "Rumpelstiltskin" or "my bills" is the first step in slaying the beast, but unfortunately, the side effect of depression is lethargy. Laziness. An inability to act. "I'm just too tired and don't really give a shit" — so the beast has a name and the patient has the first inkling of a sword, but not enough strength, stamina, or energy to pick it up and give it a fight.
At that stage, our sad knight goes to bed, turns pale, stares at a blank wall, and refuses to move — even when the spouse threatens divorce, an uneven redistribution of assets, a nasty custody battle for the kids — and starts taking Polaroids of the evidence: (a tearful lump in dirty sheets surrounded by discarded fast-food trash, used kleenexes, and a dust-covered video remote control) to be provided as proof positive of one's depression and inability to function in the eyes of a judge with his own problems at home. "Say cheese" --
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - john
Using "The Americans are depressed for no good reason" notion does make some sense. You can also derive two things from it... maybe not derive, but heres what i think.
Living in America, we live with the idea that we always have to be DOING SOMETHING .. if we are relaxing on our sofa or on our porch, we are still depressed, because we feel that we have not accomplished enough, either in the day, the week or our life. Many of us feel that because we have not accomplished what we want to, we do not have the right to relax anxiety-free.
2 - Jaylynn
From Ananova.com
Shoppers 'stressed out by supermarket choice'
"Supermarket shoppers are getting stressed because they are being offered too much choice, a survey claims.
The survey says shoppers are suffering from 'product claustrophobia' because they simply cannot choose which product to buy.
And it claims advertising only makes the problem worse, says the Daily Record.
The report, The Explosion of Choice: Tyranny or Freedom?, says too much choice can be oppressive, rather than liberating.
In one supermarket it found 83 different shampoos, 68 shower gels, 42 deodorants, 77 washing powders, and 87 breakfast cereals.
Psychologist Dr Aric Sigman, author of the report, said: "Humans now have to make more decisions in a single day than a caveman did in a lifetime."
3 - Shark
Psychologists will name it something cute and pithy like "Purchase Envy" -- and millions will go on medication to reduce it effects.
I remember playing host to a guy from Germany back in the late 70s. I asked him the biggest difference between the US and Germany; he said he couldn't believe that we needed... like.. 30 different brands of toilet paper.
Hmmm. Seems that our "stuff" is just more stuff to worry about.
4 - Chris Kent
Nice work Shark.
Had a birthday myself last week and was none too happy about it....As for shopping at the 24-hour supermart, I just buy the cheapest thing, unless it's wine, toilet paper or salsa - and then I just go middle-of-the-road.
Of course, if they are piping in Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful To Me" or Neil Diamond's "Forever In Blue Jeans," well hell, then I'm looking for the nearest Uzi......
5 - Bob A. Booey
I don't want a big reaction to this, but I thought this was actually a good piece. The best writing is introspective and truthful. I couldn't have written something like this.
I diagreee that people who suffer and starve aren't depressed, though. Perhaps it's a different sort of sadness and frustration -- I'd imagine it's more all-consuming and painful. The affluence of the West affords us the opportunity to be depressed based on our expectations for life where the so-called 3rd World is burdened by the precariousness of life itself amidst war, famine, and disease. According to Maslow, one can't feel self-actualized and happy unless one has the basic human needs met first (food, shelter, sex, etc.). Perhaps that's one of the compounding aspects about depression even in the West -- people whose work and family lives are affected by their malaise probably can't even guarantee those basic needs. I'd imagine sex is particularly significant in failing relationships. Divorce is far more common than depression, though, so it's silly for anyone in our country to define themselves by the success or failure of their love relationships. Part of that "free-floating anxiety" is our culture of narcissism that makes us obsess constantly about our looks and our attractiveness and worthiness.
I can't speak on this with any authority or knowledge beyond my reading, but anti-depressants seem to work for a lot of people. Regardless of its genesis, depression has a significant biochemical component and the seratonin levels in the brain are usually altered from "normal" conditions. There's some criticism of seratonin re-uptake inhibitors like Prozac or Zoloft, but they seem to nudge the brain back to better mood levels and allow people to make better choices without the crippling sadness defeating their every choice before they can even make it. If a psychiatrist suggests you should take them, perhaps they'd help. I don't think "you made bad choices in life" is good clinical advice; sounds a lot like that "blaming the victim" business to me. I'm guessing that advice was from an internist or family physician who doesn't specialize in mental health.
I should add that the fact that you write proves you have a will to live and communicate. I won't recycle that quote from the literary critic Wayne Booth I used on some other topic, but writing is evidence of a hope to connect with other people. As long as you have something to say, Things Matter and you're making critical choices, whether you realize it or not.
Being a father also means you have a connection to life, whether you are happy with your own or not -- you have a profound effect on people whose lives you can, more than anyone else, influence for the better. Responsibility gives most people meaning, and that's more responsibility than most people can even handle. That's something to be proud of.
Shave the goatee, though, Sharky poo. I mean seriously :) I'm just saying. Goatees weren't even cool a decade ago. That grooming advice goes for the rest of you boys too (and to Sandra Smallson and BHW, who might have better shaving tips than I).
I like the Vegas comment.
That Wayne Dyer guy seems like a quack to me. I hope no one buys his damn book off that link. Buy the Beethoven and Buddha instead, people.
That is all.
6 - jack e. jett
cool shark.
happy b day.
age is a freaky thang and you put it in perspective in a most funkified way.
jack
7 - Eric Olsen
Very good writing Sharky but I sure hope you're not really that down. (brief pause for propriety's sake, now i will talk about myself)
I actually used to worry more about age when I was younger. Now I'm kind of right in the middle and I can't pretend I'm young anymore (45) although I usually feel pretty young. the things that cheer me up most are, as Bob mentioned, my family relationships, getting things done (surely writing something is that), and exercise. I feel really good when Ihave beaten the hell out of myself and survived once again.
And there is a chemical in between - if you haven't tried St. John's Wort yet, it's a nice little mood lifter with no side effects I can find and is much milder than the REAL antidepressants. I have definitely found my outlook to be more positive much more of the time (most of the time, really, pretty nice) since I started popping those babies. Highly recommended to anyone prone to moodiness.
Another thing, I know it's a persona, but maybe being The Shark puts some negative pressure on your personality you just don't need - you could be just occasionally vicious, like I am.
8 - bhw
Shave the goatee,
Actually, boys, keep the hair on the chin, shave the 'nads. Then we'll suck on 'em like lifesavers.
9 - Bob A. Booey
Don't listen that old, sexless, hairy goat.
None of these boys even have an idea what grooming downstairs means. Give it up, BHW. You try too hard. I guarantee NONE of these old farts has ever trimmed downstairs even once in their many years. Nerds don't groom and they'd have too hard a time getting through the jungle. Body hair is disgusting. So's your facial hair, BHW.
Goatees are for dorks. Any woman or gay man who's not a lamoid like BHW will tell you as much. Goatees are for insecure guys with little manhood.
That is all.
10 - bhw
Unbelievable.
11 - boomcrashbaby
Goatees can be sexy cool, or not. Depends on the face and the goatee.
12 - Shark
Booey: "...Goatees are for dorks. Goatees are for insecure guys with little manhood."
And hasty generalizations about people's looks are...
...for arrogant, pretentious pricks.
~bada-bing!
13 - Shark
Thanks to all who enjoyed the piece.
And no, I'm not really THAT down.
I'm a writer. I throw a dart and hit the keyboard.
14 - Shark
On a more serious note, I might add that my only recommendations for anti-depression therapy are the last three on my list:
Ode to Joy,
Louis Armstrong,
and Pollyanna.
15 - jack e. jett
everyman over 40 should shave his balls, keep his pubic hair trimed and keep his eyebrows from looking like andy rooney.
the problem is that as the gut becomes bigger the first two task become dangerous to do alone.
i just don't want to look like bob marley down there.
jack
16 - Ms. Tek
Men should shave the pubes off, the armpits and the leg hair.
Shave the pubes, you are more likey to get you ding dang sucked.
17 - Eric Olsen
then we would all look like Olympic swimmers and body builders - or at least our skin would
18 - Shark
Thanks to all who elevated my entry from a trite personal confessional about depression to a profound, all-too-honest but helpful primer on body hair.
Really, luv ya -- mean it!
PS: email me for special jpg of my infamous goatee! One PayPal contribution to BC required.
19 - mike
"I would take drugs for my depression, but I once heard a doctor say that 95% of his depressed, drug-taking patients didn't really need drugs; they needed to make better decisions about their lives."
Absolutely not. You should see a psychiatrist, and if he agrees, get the meds. They work. Depression is mostly chemical, and easily treated.
20 - Shark
Mike, probably good advice for the true depressive, but see comment #13'
ie. I ain't one.
(I only play one on TV.)
21 - mike
"ie. I ain't one."
Very often, it's hard to recognize the symptoms in yourself. The medications are proving increasingly effective for all sorts of people: if properly prescribed under the supervision of a psychiatrist, as opposed to regular old doctor. p
22 - Mac Diva
Entertaining.
23 - CW Fisher
I completely missed this post. Sorry, Shark, about the birfday, I mean. I have one tomorrow. You're going to think I'm trying to be like you, but it's true.
Last week, I shaved my goatee.
I am hairless as a fish but I shave myself smooth all over. This is for sexual reasons as described so vividly by the lovely Ms. Tek and love-kitten bhw.
My wife and I once considered opening a shop called "QuimTrim," an on-campus pussy-shaving service. She changed my mind.
I've never met a writer who wasn't either depressed and obsessing about it or depressed and denying it.
Meds work, wort works, exercise works, therapy works, art works, writing works, but nothing works alone.
24 - CW Fisher
By the way: Ode to Joy? Can't get no higher.
25 - CW Fisher
"I'm a writer. I throw a dart and hit the keyboard." --Shark