I read the story of how a woman threw her three children into the San Francisco bay on Wednesday evening. I had a very hard time actually reading the story. Just seeing the headline gave me the same reaction as San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom, “I’m sick to my stomach”. My second reaction was, “there but for the Grace of God, go I”.
It was just last night that I felt one of those low points we reach as parents. I was frustrated with my children’s behavior (back-talking mostly), and I told them that I was getting to my breaking point. This was after the yelling back and forth, the door slamming and whatnot. I had really really had it. I know this is a familiar feeling for other parents. This isn’t the “I’m going to kill that child in about two minutes” feeling, nor the “I’m going to pull out ALL of my own hair, and then start in on theirs” feeling.
This was the, “I’m done, I’m tired, I give up” feeling. That’s pretty low! Yeah, I know there’s a difference between that situation and my own. I look at my demographics, compared to those of Lashaun Harris, the 23-year-old mother. Very big difference, I’m lucky to have a nice home and my husband is a great dad and great provider. Of course, I also do not suffer from delusions or other psychotic symptoms. But still, the oh-so-scary thought remains. Sometimes I just want out. Now and then we look inside, and we hate what we see. Thankfully, the nasty stuff that lives inside all of us stays put for the most part.
I’ve been working on an article involving psychological recovery from trauma and came across an interesting story told by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (of On Death and Dying fame) She had been talking with a girl, a survivor of the Maidanek concentration camp. Kubler-Ross wondered how those that ran the camps could put so many people to death every day. The young girl had no answers, but did state that (paraphrasing), “We all have a Hitler inside us”. Kubler-Ross, being young and innocent herself thought that remark was a bit far-fetched.
Shortly after that visit to Maidanek, Kubler-Ross became ill. She was hitchhiking her way back to Switzerland, and ended up unconscious with typhoid in a German forest. At a point of severe hunger, Kubler-Ross realized that if someone, even a child, had happened by in the woods carrying food, she’d have stolen the food from them. This is when the remark about having a “Hitler in all of us” became clear.
So, when I consider the horrific scene on that San Francisco pier, I’m not only chilled, and sickened, I’m humbled. We all have demons; most of us are lucky enough to control them. Lashaun Harris was not.
Article comments
1 - diana hartman
yes, all of us parents have our own demons, little monsters that threaten to grow quite big and leave a swath of all unholy hell in their wake...
that's not the same as schizophrenia...
it's not been asked of this woman (yet) that i've read but it's been asked about others: "who in their right mind?"...who, indeed...
someone who isn't in their right mind...
mothers may feel especially vulnerable when reading stories like this, but without a history of delusions, hallucinations, and/or voices (diagnosed or not) there isn't much reason for mentally healthy mothers to worry that about their own demons coming to light when they least expect it, or that they themselves would ever be capable of doing such a thing...worry can just as easily be exchanged for knowledge, education, and training...if you feel susceptible perhaps you ought to pursue these things to abate fear, concern, and worry...
it seems like we do our best to keep ourselves in fear of something, anything, at all times...better to fear the more likely consequences of not belting a child in properly before driving off, making sure their immunizations are up to date, and keeping them and ourselves educated and prepared for life's mishaps (to include having coping skills at the ready for those hair-pulling moments)...
we fear most what we can't control...if we think, for even a moment, that we aren't in control of our own minds and actions every waking second, well then we're human...beyond a few moments of trepidation here and there, we might want to make a date with a friend for a sanity check...more often? we'd do well to check into some counseling, and if need be we might get a referral to more intense services...
these things, these feelings, they are within our control...the very act of a quick moral inventory over the morning paper is a fair indicator that even the most frustrating moments with our kids will turn out okay...
the mother in the report wasn't said to be particularly angry or frustrated or even overwhelmed by what we all know was the non-stop responsibility of three young children...she instead reported having acted on the instructions of voices...anyone operating under the influence of voices isn't going to respond to parenting lessons...the voices will have something to say about any parental choice, just as they did last night for this young woman...
the more curious thing is that there were people in her young life who knew she had a history of mental illness and knew she was on medication; they also knew she was living in a shelter with three young children -- and they are shocked...yes, it's shocking; it's shocking that everyone around her, even in light of their knowledge about her, didn't at least suspect something could happen...
i don't say this with the blithe distance, i say this from experience...but even sans experience, anyone who's read the paper on a regular basis in the last 5 years would have at least a passing acquaintance with severe mental illness and the potential repercussion of mixing that illness with parenting...
there aren't going to be just a few mental health professionals shaking their heads at the suggestion that taking advantage of parenting resources could have in any way prevented this tragedy...the mother was severely mentally ill...expectations and responsibilities aside, parenting classes can't do anything about that...
she'll go to jail and her medication may or may not get regulated as a result...the demons she can do nothing about will either torment her about or protect her from incarceration...
if you don't believe she was hearing voices or don't believe in the power of severe mental illness, well then it's all moot...
it's of no use to her or her children to debate society's obligation to its most severely mentally ill, especially those who are also parents...it is worth noting however that no matter how long she's in prison, others like her will still be wandering around saying "fine" in answer to the question "how are you?" posed by those who know their histories...
2 - Mary K. Williams
Diana -
Interesting comments, thanks.
Obviously there is a difference between being overwhelmed in parenting, and psychosis. This story just made me think of the rotten stuff we are capable of, in certain situations.
thanks again for your input.
3 - Baronius
I remember a few years ago there was a woman who drowned her children in Texas. (I should remember the details, but I don't.) Maybe two days later, a man in California killed his family, and was killed in a shootout with police.
The responses to these incidents were fascinating. There was an awareness of the overwhelming tragedy of the Texas story, with the same type of questions that you raised. The Calif story was treated as a manhunt, with no sense of gravity, and disappeared from the headlines the next day. The main difference was the sex of the perpetrator.
Either one of the people could have been insane, or evil. I don't know what conclusions to draw from the differences in coverage. But there's something there, something about our natures or our perceptions of our natures, in these two stories.
4 - Marcia L. Neil
There's a lot to know about the San Francisco Bay Area in California -- that most maps are not accurate; that the harbor is filled with flapping sailboats and a maritime political presence exerted from other states; and that the nation's largest state itself exerts its own focused pressure onto the region and its seafood industry. Also, the peninsula sometimes functions less as a convivial city as mapped and more as a covert military compound or as a playground for military interests.
5 - Mary K. Williams
Yes, and on a clear day, you can see Alcatraz.
I'm wondering though, how does that relate to the story?
6 - Nancy
Her "cousin" stated in a voice interview that she (LaShauna, the woman who drowned her kids) was on medications, and hadn't been taking her meds for awhile (in other words, they were aware she had some bad problems & was off her medication) - but that she would never do anything like this to her kids if she were in her right mind.
Obviously she would. This cousin didn't even realize what it was she herself was saying. LaShaun was off her meds, & when off her meds the family was well aware she was a raving luney who heard voices. This didn't serve as a wakeup call for any of them? No notes of alarm sounding in any of their minds? Guess not.
7 - Dawn
I find the most demoralizing part of parenting (and clearly there is far more good than bad) is that a parent, especially mothers, feel so incredibly trapped at times.
Sometimes, when things are at their worst I don't even want to thrash out in rage, so much as I want to run away until I can gain my composure. Unfortunately the very nature of parenting is that you must stay, unless of course you aren't in your right mind.
I think this is what you were voicing Mary, and I can tell you that I have that feeling often. I would be willing to bet LOTS AND LOTS of hard-working overwhelmed moms of otherwise good kids want to run away sometimes.
It's a testament to our society in here in the U.S. Families are so distanced from each other that there just isn't enough support for parents and they just can't get away from their kids when they ABSOLUTELY NEED TO.
Truly, the only solace I find is allowing my brain to imagine the day when they will be grown and I can have all the sanity I want. After a few minutes of this, I am able to come back to reality and come to terms with the fact that they really will grow up and leave, and then I will long for the time when they were crawling up my ass driving me fucking NUTS.
8 - Mary K. Williams
Ohyeah Dawn - you pretty much nailed it.
After reading what you said, and thinking about my own feelings of the other night...I'm reminded of the scene from Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. Not sure who ever's seen or read it (I've only seen the movie) But the character played by Ashley Judd actually does take off for motel and just sleeps for like two days. The way she did it wasn't that desirable, but I really can see why she did it. (this on the heels of her kids being sick -- vomiting and other bodily 'stuff' all over the place.
Been there.
9 - Dan
I liked Comment #3, by Baronius. If this were a man, there would be little if any sympathy. Of course he would be labeled "sick", but it wouldn't be the mitigating mental illness variety.
10 - Mary K. Williams
Dan (and Baronius)
I know, there's definitely some truth to that.
Didn't really occur to me before, probably because I'm a mother, so I was thinking from a Mom's POV.
Male or Female, it is pretty damn horrible.
11 - diana hartman
i wouldn't think differently of a male schizophrenic -- it doesn't differentiate between genders so i don't either...
those who do are doing so out of a lack of knowledge...
even with knowledge though, society looks at the two differently because of its associations and definitions, no matter how sexist those may be...we would all like to think that no matter how mentally ill a woman was her maternal instincts would override that...no pressure there, huh ma!
schizophrenia is bigger and badder than just about anything else you could pair with it in hopes of dialing down the mayhem, but we still expect love to kick in and kick ass...we don't necessarily expect this so much of a man, and we're not that surprised when a man does something overt and violent -- even when a child is involved...
bottom line though is that gender really doesn't matter where severe mental illness is a part of the equation...we'll likely see different behaviors but the cause is still the same...
12 - Dan
On further reflection, I guess I'm as sexist as anyone, because there would be no way I would give a man doing the same thing a pycho-pass. He should die. Not "get the help he needs".
The thing he should die for is the abject *abandonement* those boys felt when they hit the water. And the time it took for them to understand it before they drowned.
The justification for capital punishment has always seemed apparant: it's because no sane person would want to live with the realization of their crime. You'd be a walking abomination.
Still, a mom who normally cares for her kids, then kills them, somewhat trumps a dad who kills them on the weekend, perhaps with a cold-blooded revenge motive.
The sense of abandonement though, therefore the crime, would be worse from the mom.
Mary's right, "male or female, it is pretty damn horrible".
13 - Mary K. Williams
ugh - the whole thing is getting downright depressing. I'd like to be getting a big 'ole broom to sweep it under the virtual carpet. But - it raises questions we have to consider, if not now, at some point.
With any luck, my next post will be more cheerful.
14 - Marcia L. Neil
It was very windy, as well -- it's still windy today. Wind actually buffets people in the San Francisco Bay Area -- on the sidewalks and certainly on the piers -- it's sudden and feels very personally directed.
As of +/-10:00 p.m. tonight, there seems to be something very sinister about the water near the Fort Mason Festival Pavillon; and the foghorns near Crissy Field appear to be performing tunes.
15 - Marcia L. Neil
Furthermore, there have been major changes in peninsula parklands recently, such as the changes evident in Golden Gate Park near the newly-de-signed 'de Young Museum' (the Grand Opening celebrated last weekend); and in the Presidio district parklands, where new building construction swallow-ed up significant walled parkland area.
Re-orientation among such changes, where parklands are vital to the health of an oceanside community, is yet subject to the personal evaluations of public works projects which have been perhaps expediently embraced -- upon demand.