God called me last night.
There's no easier way to put it, especially for you atheistic, devil-worshiping, socialist America haters out there.
God did call me. And boy, was He pissed.
"What's so tough to understand about 'intelligent design'," he fumed. "What, do those Darwinidiots think I'm not intelligent?"
"No, sir," I said quickly. It's not a good thing to piss off the Lord even if you do have to wonder about things like famine, Ebola, mosquitoes, and Cheeze Whiz.
"Then what is it?" he demanded, which was a little surprising since he's supposed to be the omniscient one, and I'm just a lowly human he's chosen to harass.
"Well," I started, "it's that those Darwin folks think that "intelligent design" is just a front for the Creationists to sneak religion back into the classroom."
Long pause. When God thinks, it can take a long time. He's also omnipresent, so he's got a lot of ground to cover.
"Creationism," he snorted. "You mean those people who believe that drivel Bishop Ussher pushed that I created the world 4000 years ago?"
"Sort of, sir," I said.
"Gadfry Daniels," he shouted, which is the closet you'll get to hearing God swear. He's got to be pretty careful about what he says. For example, if he says, "Damn them," then woe to those to whom he was referring. Like it's a lifetime in hell with no chance of parole.
"I thought 'intelligent design' just integrated My work into Darwinian theory," He said.
"No, that's not exactly what they mean, sir. They claim that evolution is just a theory."
"Just a theory," He thundered, shattering most of the windows in my house. I didn't mind, because He's real good about fixing things He's broken when He gets angry. Sometimes, He even apologizes. And when He forgets, there's always the Archangels to come along and mop up after Him.
Article comments
1 - Leoniceno
Mm...bleh.
2 - Temple Stark
Creative Mark. Funny.
Leon ... not.
3 - Mark Schannon
Thank you Temple. You are a man of true taste and culture.
"Bleh" however is about the nicest insult I've received on this site, so, what the hell.
4 - Temple Stark
What didja call me? Oh wait. Cool. :-)
Unlike a lot of the attempted humor at this site - this worked (for me).
Maybe I'll just try a "Bleh, indeed" more often around the site. That Insta-guy gets away with it.
5 - Rodney Welch
Lame.
6 - Temple Stark
Rodney, bleh, indeed
7 - Victor Plenty
This joke is on the people who don't get the joke.
8 - Aaman
ROTFL - very good. Was he tricked out in much bling-bling?
9 - GOD
Cut the crap!
GOD
10 - Morningstar
don't listen to that pompous blowhard above me
L.
11 - Mark Schannon
Morningstar, be very careful what you call you know who. In the Old Testament, he was very testy.
Aaman--bling bling?
Rodney, you called God lame??? Woof, are you in trouble. I'd light some candles if I were you.
12 - Mark Schannon
Morningstar--why the pseudonym? Your secret is safe with me.
13 - gonzo marx
aww Mark..ya know i was just screwing around..no "secret" needed...
i just coudn't resist the "pun"
Excelsior!
14 - Mark Schannon
oh is my face red...misssed the pun...anyway, welcome back gonzo!
15 - gonzo marx
heh..just staying late at work...my home 'net connection is still offline till sometime next week...
arrRRRrrRRRrrRRRggGGGggHHHhhHHhhhh!!!!
so i can only annoy you folks part time till then
heh
Excelsior!
16 - The Theory
>>He never talked about Creationism. He didn't care. It wasn't important.
exactly.
17 - Bennett Dawson
Great stuff Mark. Big grins at home are a fine thing.
Saw the bible graphic, read the first line, hessitated, scanned the category, saw "satire", dove in and had a fun time.
Thanks!
18 - Mark Schannon
Shameless Commerce Dept Release:
If you liked the post, you'll love the book that someday, maybe, if all the stars are aligned properly, will be in your local bookstores. (No it's not about God...close, but in a completely different sort of way.)
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks.
(But where are all the Creationists? I guess there aren't any on this site...sigh.)