Dear ....
Recently, I was thinking about that stupid film Unfaithful, with the annoying Diane Lane and her oh-so-suburban affair with a younger man and how it leads to poor Richard Gere, who played her husband, killing the guy with, of all things, a snow globe. It wasn’t the film really, it was a line from a book that is read in the film and it said, “This moment is your life.”
I keep coming back to this, because although it seems trite, it brings to mind other lines, particularly John Lennon, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans…” and how very much those lines struck me when I was still very young and now, at my ripe old age, how they strike me more.
These days, I have no regular routine or ritual and frankly, it’s making me a bit batty. I come back to this idea of ritual over and over again and it crops up regularly in my poems, so much so that I begin to bore myself, but for the sake of being ritualistic, I write this article now because that is part of my ritual; I write. I get up early as I can, I try hard to greet the day, and sit down and must do what all writers must do, that is face a blank screen or more often, a blank sheet of paper and then create. This is my job, and more, it is my calling and always has been. I have never wavered from the path - from a young age i wrote, and that was it. I never stopped, and see no signs of stopping now.
I always said that writing is a ministry; that we take a vow of poverty, wear too much black, cross ourselves thrice and hope for the best. Writing is always, on some level about faith. Faith that our work will be accepted, if by nobody else then by us, that it will hit somebody where it counts and be memorable and we are all of us trying to effect just that one person and if we do that, then it makes all the difference.
For me, without a steady job these days, I have lost a good part of my ritual. NO longer do I go into an office, make the hour plus drive to work (which I complained about but that gave me ample time to listen to Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen and yes, sing along (“all I, really wanna doooooo… is baby be friends with you,” being my favorite line to howl as I sat there in rush hour traffic.) I miss speeding along in my mini. I miss my co-workers, or most of them (save for a couple of real buttheads who can just go blow…) but for the most part, I miss all the lovely Indian men that I worked with and who treated me, the only female in the group, as one of them, and who because I’m from Northeast London which is heavily populated by Indians, made me feel that I was back home again and drew to mind my school days when all my friends were Indian, and so much so that I grew up thinking that i was Indian, not white and what shock to discover that I was not, that I could not get away with wearing a beautiful sari no matter how much I wanted to, or a red dot on my head or have a pierced nose with a tiny diamond (which I did do in college, and it was actually quite elegant – yes, it’s true). I miss those people, but more, I miss our daily litany. The “Hey” in the hallway with the smile, the shared lunches where we talked philosophy and religion, the tech talk that none of my family wants to talk about, the talk about coding and the difference between “elegant” code and “clunky” code – these private things that outside of that workplace, few people understand or care about.
Article comments
1 - Claire
Sadi :) What a beautiful glimpse into your world, your experience, your feelings, your heart. Although prose, it reads like poetry.
I have seen first hand the result of your accomplishments and am awed. Girl, your page is full already :)
Your description of "writers" gave me chill bumps because I recognized myself in it.
I loved your letter, as I love most everything you write.
Claire
2 - Eric Olsen
Sadi, being left to our own devices can feel like working the trapeze without a net, but ultimately we make our own structure even when we just accept what is imposed from without.
As always, your honesty and willingness to expose your inner workings and processes to a world that doesn't necessarily give a shit is powerful, brave and exceptional. Thanks!
3 - sadi
hi E - true enough about the world not giving a shit. that much is certainly true -- but as ever, thanks for reading this piece; it comes from the heart and is true and always, always, i like to think that someone out there can identify with this and perhaps that helps a bit. feeling connected to others is a big part of daily life and without that, we, or i, tend to become very hermetic and sort of up on the mountain like an acestic hermit. Not good unless you want to pursue, or have the time to pursue the Taoist route.
Sadly, i do not have that time just now -- so yes, i make my own structure. Now that i have an operating system again i think it will be much easier (!).
Rock on...
Sade
4 - sadi
well, Claire, good to hear from you! Thanks for your comments - i'm glad this touched you. I wrote this this morning and needed to just get this out -- i'm glad it touched you and that my original intent was met. That means everything.
Cheers,
Sade
5 - Mark Saleski
nice.
this reminds me of why i get sucked into reading modern memoirs.
really good ones can distill down a person's life/thoughts in much the same way a good poem can 'freeze' an idea.
6 - sadi
thanks for reading, Mark. And thanks as ever for commenting... I too love modern memoirs, though i haven't read a good one lately. Any recommendations?
Would be grateful. Since May Sarton died, i haven't seen anything i like...
cheers,
sade
7 - Mark Saleski
the one's i've read recently have tended to be on the less serious side of things.
like jim knipfel's Ruining It For Everybody.
i just unpacked (most of) my books at home after our move. i'll check the shelves tonight and get back to ya.
8 - sadi
that would be great -- thanks Mark... i need a good read. some new stuff.
be well, and again, thanks
srp
9 - Mark Saleski
a few that come to mind are:
A Place Of My Own - Michel Pollan
Reading Lolita In Tehran
hmmm, i feel a post coming on!
10 - sadi
sounds good and i like Michael Pollan so what the hey -- and reading lolita in tehran sounds good, is that Pollan? no... who is that? let me know. I did read Sedaris also, who i liked enough but didn't move me at all. I liked Alix Kates Schulman Drinking the Rain, though that was a long time ago that i read that one...
thx. m...
sade
11 - Mark Saleski
the Pollan book is interesting because it's about his (sucessful) attempt at building his own writer's cabin. i'm not all that keen on building stuff but having my own writer's cabin goes beyond fantasy.
the Lolita book is by Azar Nafisi. a very interesting (if somewhat depressing) read.
12 - sadi
both sound interesting. best book on building is outermost house by henry beston. if you haven't read that, absolutely buy it today. best book i've read fullstop. so check it out.
thx. again - m
all best
sade
13 - theflame
hello there,
read ur stuff just now as i was surfing something else in google n accidently bumped into this....
good and bold and unapologetic....
keep it up.
14 - sadi
dear flame; is this bold? i'm not sure. but am grateful for the comment; i rarely see myself as a bold or brave person, though god knows i do try and get points for that. i think at the end of the day, the bravest thing of all is to know who you really are and be able to admit that to yourself. to say what you are and what you are not, then try to be whatever it is you strive to be... if you can do that, then you have succeeded;or at least, that's my philosophy and works for me.
these days, the bravest thing that i do is i get up and i face every day just like anyone, i suppose, but i face days of great uncertainty in very many areas at the moment, professionally, personally, etc. -- and those times are always hard for everyone, i think. uncertainty is the hardest thing of all. Learning to not judge it as good or bad, but just as a thing that is something we all have to face is the trick. If you can do that, then you can have a happier life with much less struggle. Why struggle against a thing you cannot change? Focus on what you can change, go about affecting that and offering the best you have to other people; in short, do good deeds, be a good person, and be careful among the english as the Amish say.
that's what counts the most, and that's what i try to do every single day of my life. i'm really glad you found this, and i am even more grateful for your comments and everyones because they give me a reason and mostly, i'm grateful to Eric, love, who gives us such a great forum, and particularly puts up with my whinings and philosophical off-topic meanderings every time and is ever-supportive and a brave soul himself.
cheers, and i do hope i keep writing stuff you want to read.
sadi