His focus is different. When my husband wants to hear the hourly newscast or a sports game/show of special interest, I yield graciously to his preferences. Likewise, he lets go of his routine habit of always having the radio on while in the car. We limit phone and texting. The compromise works for us.
Our rules of the road are summarized as six tips for ending driving arguments:
1. Get rid of your thin skin about comments on your driving.
2. Offer comments about your partner's driving with a non-critical and request-like tone, spoken mainly to address your safety concerns.
3. Agree to disagree about general driving practices and let go of the need to convert your partner to seeing driving as you do. Accept the change and don’t pester for conversion or obsess about being “right.”
4. Work out standing agreements in advance regarding smoking, sound, phone/texting, and temperature.
5. Defer to the driver's navigation decisions, but after the driver consults the
other for ideas and preferences.
6. Routinely respect all safety concerns that your partner expresses (no matter how ridiculous they seem to you) and change your driving immediately without attitude.
Make a personal pact about your own rules of the road along the lines of these six tips. You will find your driving arguments can disappear just like low gas prices.
Article comments
1 - Joanne Huspek
Easy for you to say. You're not married to a driving instructor! :-)
2 - Dr. Coach Love
Thanks, Joanne. Great point, but even driving instructors can be driven to higher ground:)
Dr. Coach Love
3 - Mike O'Connor
Good article, but I'm not sure I agree with your point (6) - Routinely respect all safety concerns that your partner expresses (no matter how ridiculous they seem to you)..
This is surely one-sided: the partner who expresses any safety concerns always 'wins' the argument by default, which leaves the other feeling that his/her concerns are not even worthy of consideration.
Isn't there a point at which the 'please drive more safely' argument breaks down? You could imagine an extreme example, say at a T-junction, where the more conservative partner insists that the road is clear in both directions as far as the eye can see before turning left or right. While this is certainly safe, it could drive the more driver insane, waiting as one merging opportunity after another passes by..!
At what point is it fair to expect the more conservative partner to compromise also?
4 - Dr, Coach Love
Mike, thanks for weighing in on this. Your T-junction is a great example. Driving arguments are generally about feelings and not statistical safety issues. The hypothetical couple probably did not pull over at the intersection to research accident statistics on the junction. The driver doesn't feel safe and acts on those feelings--- while the passenger feels insane/impatient/aggravated/etc. because of perceived 'hyper safe' driving choices. People don't always experience a sense of safety under the same circumstances. The T-junction doesn't dictate how motorists drive. Drivers do.
And even if the argument involved a statistics discussion, feelings about safety and actions taken (look both ways until there is no car in sight or not) may still not match. That is, even if the conservative driver believes the statistics, they still may not feel safe without extra precautions. Their choices may drive the other crazy. Feelings are feelings.
All six driving tips will not be helpful for everyone-especially people who perceive the outcome as Win-Lose and those who feel a need to be right and have others agree with them. While a 'feel safe' reaction to the 'statistics' is OK, too, the #6 agreement in advance is that feelings of fear and cautiousness trump 'insanity' and impatience. Any agreement in advance can serve a couple better in the long run.
The idea is that these driving agreements (or any agreements) are crafted through compromise with consideration given to the feelings and opinions of both parties. Agreements are reached based on feelings of fairness from both parties. If unfairness surfaces, the partners can also trade a driving decision for a compromise on other issues as needed. The benefit is that these driving safety differences don't have to be constantly rehashed and debated in the moment.