As more and more civilians enter the fray of military deployments, so do their better halves find themselves thrust into a world of great unknowns. It's taken twenty years and numerous deployments to hone my own coping skills just in time for my husband's retirement. The following does not address the return of wounded servicemembers and instead focuses on the majority experience of departure, deployment, and safe return. For assistance above and beyond what is included here, contact your Key Volunteer, Family Service Center, or your spouse's command.
The best way to cope with deployments is to approach life from the standpoint of a two-year old child. Two-year olds don't necessarily like change, they throw fits over it, but they transition relatively well. For all they have to adjust to, two-year olds do a better job of it than adults. They are the perfect model for assimilating change. All of the following is relative to you and how you adapt. If it doesn't apply, disregard. Before you disregard, think about why you're disregarding. Just because it's unfamiliar and uncomfortable right now doesn't mean it isn't just the thing for you for the long haul.
Deployment is a change, not a crisis. This is a crucial mindset. Seeing a deployment through the filter of crisis sets you up for all manner of disaster. Everything you do and say is directly affected by how you see the deployment. If two-year olds saw change as crisis, they'd never learn to talk (something those of us with teens would prefer). This is not intended to address those who experience crises during a deployment (death, debilitating injury, etc). It's important to have a support network of people you trust so that if something like this happens, you have them to count on. Busted hot water heaters, court dates, and sick kids do not fall under the heading of "crisis". If these things are a crisis to you, good luck with that.
Scream into a pillow over the injustice of it all. This is not to question the justification of his/her deployment or service, but hey, it hurts when someone you love heads out. By the same token, worry is natural but not a coping tool. Set the timer, worry your head off for 15 minutes, and stop at the bing. Have an activity already planned that you will throw yourself into as soon as the timer goes off. If the worrying thoughts won't go away, say out loud and loudly "stop". You'll get another chance to worry tomorrow.
Article comments
1 - Christina
I really enjoyed this article. My husband is a Marine and is preparing for deployment to Iraq in September. We recently married about 3 months ago, so this is my first deployment. Most all of the things you touched on in this article apply to what i have been feeling and going through. Although my husband technically doesn't deploy until Sept. he is in CA training and stuff while I am back home in TX, so I am already experiencing the separation and the things that go with it. Thank you for writing this article. I know this information will be helpful to me over this next year.
2 - Shannon
Thank you.
3 - Holly
Thank you so much for this article. My fiancee left for Iraq September 25th (yesterday). I have literally felt like I am dying inside. This article has given me Hope that I will survive this.
4 - diana hartman
Holly, email me ( msdusmcd at yahoo dot com ) if you have any military fiancee-type questions.
My daughter's boyfriend (USMC) is on his 3rd Iraq travel venture. She has, of course, very limited access to information and support. Her only saving grace is that she is also a military dependent.
Let me know what state you're in and the base he deployed from and let's see what we can get for you.
5 - Rachael
thank you so much for the article. I am an Air force wife of just under a year and my husband will be going on his first deployment to Iraq in a few months. It's one of many, almost all members of security forces at dover AFB, are gone for 6 months and then are home for 6 months, so he's looking at many deployments in his future. I'm already starting to get freaked out by his first deployment and it's still months away. When you said Anger and Sadness are the first two emotions, I totally agree. I'm already going though that. they seem to alternate with each other. I will save your article and read it every so often. I really like it's going to help me out. Thanks a lot again for you insight and knowledge.
6 - Deanna
This article is like a breath of fresh air just when I felt at my lowest. On top of dealing with a deployment I felt like our marriage was in trouble because of all the arguing just before he left. The worry has been almost too much. Today I didn't even get dressed.
I found your article and there on the page was my life and all the emotions I felt over the past few months. I could hug you! I feel so relieved to know all these feelings are normal.Bless you for giving me hope. I know now that everything will be OK.
7 - kimberly
thank you for writing this article, it made me feel MUCH better about deployment and everything
8 - Jennifer
Thank you for writing this.. I am a marine wife with a new baby and my husband PCS'd to another state and is awaiting deployment to Iraq.. some days I feel like Im losing it and want to curl up and cry, others are good days but I am glad to know that Im not alone. I commend all you Military Wives out there who have gone through this several times.. I now feel your pain and strength! Support for ourselves and our spouses, we DO have the toughest job in the military!
9 - Kristy
ok so I read this while talking to my "technically not deployed" fiance'. he and i have been at wits ends. i am ready to give up... i actually think i did give up yesterday, but somehow woke up today back in this stinking situation. so here's my deal. its christmas andwe have no decorations or gifts. my family tries to cheer me up by talking about going caroling and shopping and it only makes me homesick.
plus, i moved away from everyone i loved and new to be with chris and then he left for a deployment, training and now an upgrade. he was gone on a mission for 4 months (he is a spec ops pilot) and was home literally about a month before he left for another 3 months to oklahoma for an upgrade. it kills me because a friend of mine who's hubby is deployed gets care packages and has family send her man stuff, but what about me. just bc chris isnt fighting in iraq at this particular time, doesnt he and i deserve some help. everyone seems to think i should be ok. my own mother sent a care package to another secret santa girl in her church bc the poor child's husband was away in turkey for the holidays. hello. i am ALONE too. to make matters worse all the things u suggest cost money and I dont make alot. i am a nurse (LPN) and made a fair salary in TX but here in SC it is very competitive and i dont seem to make enough to get by. plus the cost of living is outrageous but bc we are NOT MARRIED -yet- i dont get help financially. he doesnt get bonuses for me and i cant get on his insurance. these things have made me want to hurry and elope and sign the marriage license for all the wrong reasons. we want our nice wedding in NY, but i dont know if I will survive military life long enough to make it down the aisle. for those of u thinking i fell in love with the wrong man... not the case. i have been with him for 4 years. 3 of which i spent away from him bc his station transferred to SC... i was living in TX. the way i coped then was i worked... two jobs and had my friends and family with in driving distance. now i am not even within 20 hours of anyone i know. all of the things i did back home to make the deployment easier arent accessible here. it all costs money. plus chris and i do not live on base... its about a 1/2 drive and he doesnt research the options very well for either of us. i cant get on base, i dont have an id. so how do i take advantage of what they offer?!? lots of girls go on shoppig trips or spend their tax free money. one i dont get that and two i cant afford it. i pretty much walk the dog and that is about the only fun thing i have found that doesnt cost money! books clubs= money for books. sports, tennis= money for equiptment and facility. scrapbooking, ect= money for supplies... and my favorite, planning a wedding= money. not to mention my maid of honor is in arkansas, my sister and mom are in texas, and his parents are in NY...
chris kind of made it a point after his deployment 2 years ago to make friens outside of his squadron... since he spent so much time with those particular guys while over seas. good idea... it worked out well for him. but these new friends are single and doctors or such and have no idea what i go thru. thry dont help or have supportive, understand girlfriends who can help. most of them dont even have girlfriends AT ALL. i am just lost!!!!
please help... i have prayed and the only reason i am still hanging on is bc i believe God will eventually send me an angel with an answer!
let me end by saying i cried during the article bc u did touch on many things i thought i was the only one to experience. you hit the predeployment feelings i have right on the head. your article was fantastic and very informative. thanks a bunch. the only reason i am ranting and raving and being a baby and all "feel sorry for me" is bc i saw that people can chat and write you back and i was hoping someone would have some adice for me!
thank you.
10 - Diana Hartman
Dear Kristy,
I hope you'll be checking back for feedback. Many girlfriends go through very similar ordeals and it ain't no picnic. Without being married, a girlfriend is caught between two worlds, and not able to participate in either one. Sure there is the town you live in outside the gate, but as you've said, that's not providing the support you need.
Following a military man comes with very few benefits, but one of them is (and should be) the company and support of others in the same situation and access to services. Without that public proclamation of your love, following a military man becomes a nightmare in which a young woman is easily lost.
Before I tell you what I'd do, let me preface this by saying this is not what most girlfriends do. Most of them stick it out with the idea that love is enough to get them through. Most of them end up doing precisely what I'm going to tell you to do and then thinking themselves failures. This is what I would like to see you avoid.
Given how much he is gone, that you're not married and money is tight, this is what I would do: Go back home, save up money for the wedding, enjoy the company and support of your family and friends, and visit your boyfriend (or him visit you) whenever possible.
While it means not spending what little time he does have between operations with him, it does also mean you will be in the company of those you know and love, you'll be able to get a better paying job, you'll be able to save (more) money (faster) for the wedding you're hoping for, and most importantly it means you will not sit at the end of your ropes wondering where it all went wrong.
Trust me, even as a spouse there will be plenty of lonely nights and times when you question your decision to marry this particular man. As a spouse, however, you will have other spouses and the support services of the installation itself to counter that which you're feeling now: alone and without support.
About your mother: You'd think family, especially mothers, would be more supportive. I don't know that they aren't supportive; it's just that they don't understand. How can they, really? Unless they've done it themselves, they have no idea of the daily grind.
We just returned from Germany. To hear my family tell it (bearing in mind I was a Marine wife for over 20 years), you'd think I was off to Paris one day and Rome the next. It's not like that, whether you're in Stuttgart, Germany or Stuttgart, Arkansas. There's a huge difference between being a tourist and being a resident.
This is a difficult concept to get across to the family and friends we leave behind. They just don't get it. They're thinking about all the wonderful things they'll get to do when they come visit you - because they'll be on vacation. They don't consider how difficult it would be to go to Rome, take a full-time job, pay bills, raise kids, and still get to Paris.
When a family member would ask me if we'd been to Paris or Rome yet, I asked them if they've been to Denver or Miami. From their perch in Kansas, guess what? They hadn't. And yet they expected that I would have traveled a similar distance already. Why? Because they don't see the reality of moving and living somewhere else; they only see the fantasy of travel.
For the family and friends we leave behind, the life of following a military man is all about travel, new people, excitement and opportunity. And it is about that. For the first few years especially, and with each new assignment, it's about loneliness, the quest to get to know oneself better, and to put every social skill you thought you had to the test.
It's a great life I wouldn't trade for any amount of money, but it is a life that requires great patience, sometimes restraint, constant adjustment, flexibility and stamina. Military life is challenging and will make or break the best of us. It will pull on you and bring things out of you that you didn't even know you could do. It does not require you to give up who you are and what's most important to you. If the life you're living is taking this away from you, make a change - and make it soon.
Sincerely, Diana
11 - Stacey
Diana, do you have an email address I can email you some questions about deployment to? I need advice and don't know where to turn
12 - Diana Hartman
Stacey, you can contact me here at Blogcritics at diana1hartman at gmail dot com
13 - Asha
This is great information. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 8 months and he's getting deployed in July for what's supposed to be a year. He has been married before and got divorced because his ex cheated while he was deployed. This is all very new and scary for me as we are dealing with alot of obstacles because of his past fears and mine. I truly love him and think we may go the distance. Is it okay to ask for some sort of clear commitment before he leaves or should I lay low and say nothing? We've already decided were not breaking up. I mean he is going away for a year! Im not saying propose or else but Im not getting any younger and he's 5 years older than me! He has mentioned he wants to marry again and have more children. I admit to his credit he is a good guy who I know loves me. He may have unfairly caught me at the peak of my "I-want-to-get-married-and-have-kids-soon-phase!" LOL. Give me your thoughts.
14 - Diana Hartman
Dear Asha,
It’s only April. Who’s to say he doesn’t already have something up his sleeve in terms of a ring and a proposal speech? I’d sure as hell say nothing if for no other reason than because you may be setting yourself up to spoil what could be one of the happiest moments of your life.
If he has no such plans, he has a real good reason for it: he isn’t ready. I can appreciate your body clock and know it can be a strong, pressing need. He has one, too, and it is complicated by his divorce and the circumstances under which he divorced.
You have the opportunity to give him the deployment he hasn’t had: the one where no one cheats on him. You don’t need a marriage license to give him that " and in return, he just might come back with nothing but marriage on his mind.
The very idea of an ultimatum is a bad plan all around and it guarantees both parties walking away embittered. It’s also one of the worst possible ways to propose, second only to holding a gun to his head. You say you’re not saying “propose or else,” but unless you keep quiet, anything you say along these lines is going to be heard just that way.
There is no way you and he are going to be the same people you are today in July of 2009. While “nearly 8 months” sounds good, it’s only the tip of the deployment iceberg. Unless he’s retiring after this one, it probably won’t be his last deployment.
Many things will change with both of you between now and the middle of next year. I guarantee you will both be very different people come next year " and if those two people want to marry, so be it.
I’ve been involved with my husband for over 20 years and we still find out new things about each other because we, like all people, grow and change over time.
He deployed for a year not even a year into our dating. We didn’t marry until after we got back " and even that felt rushed to both us and we both wished we’d waited a few months after his return. It worked out, but jeezy creezy were there some rocky roads to travel " all roads we could have avoided by getting to re-know each other.
Rocky roads in a relationship are plentiful enough without building some of your own by rushing into things before both of you are ready and willing.
If you give him an ultimatum and he says yes, he will likely do it begrudgingly and come to regret the decision -- even if it was the right one -- because it wasn’t a decision you both made together, but rather a decision you made that he agreed to.
If he says no, how will you feel? Seriously sit down in a quiet place and imagine the whole thing: you give him the ultimatum and he says no. How do you feel about your relationship? How you do you feel about him? How do you think he feels about you? Your every answer will likely be colored in doubt " and that’s not good no matter how you dress it up.
Allow him his right: the opportunity to miss you, crave you and need you. Too, the person you’re going to be in July ’09 might really appreciate it if you didn’t blow it for her by jumping the gun now.
Men are notorious for writing what they won’t say. You have the opportunity to exchange a year’s worth of letters, a year’s worth of reflection on both your parts, a year’s worth of learning new things about each other. Tainting this opportunity with an ultimatum (or destroying the opportunity should he turn you down and then turn you out) eliminates any chance of happiness.
In fairness to him, he didn’t catch you at your peak; you just are at your peak. Expecting him to accommodate that regardless of where he is emotionally is grossly unfair and, again, will only work to create wedges in the relationship " assuming it doesn’t take the relationship down completely.
Infatuation is easy. Love is a decision. If the extent of your effort at this point is to get married or else, then it’s time to cool your heels and re-evaluate what and who you really want without haplessly involving someone else.
Sincerely,
Diana
15 - Magdalena
Diana - Thank you for this wonderful article. The level of honesty in your writing is much appreciated.