As more and more civilians enter the fray of military deployments, so do their better halves find themselves thrust into a world of great unknowns. It's taken twenty years and numerous deployments to hone my own coping skills just in time for my husband's retirement. The following does not address the return of wounded servicemembers and instead focuses on the majority experience of departure, deployment, and safe return. For assistance above and beyond what is included here, contact your Key Volunteer, Family Service Center, or your spouse's command.
The best way to cope with deployments is to approach life from the standpoint of a two-year old child. Two-year olds don't necessarily like change, they throw fits over it, but they transition relatively well. For all they have to adjust to, two-year olds do a better job of it than adults. They are the perfect model for assimilating change. All of the following is relative to you and how you adapt. If it doesn't apply, disregard. Before you disregard, think about why you're disregarding. Just because it's unfamiliar and uncomfortable right now doesn't mean it isn't just the thing for you for the long haul.
Deployment is a change, not a crisis. This is a crucial mindset. Seeing a deployment through the filter of crisis sets you up for all manner of disaster. Everything you do and say is directly affected by how you see the deployment. If two-year olds saw change as crisis, they'd never learn to talk (something those of us with teens would prefer). This is not intended to address those who experience crises during a deployment (death, debilitating injury, etc). It's important to have a support network of people you trust so that if something like this happens, you have them to count on. Busted hot water heaters, court dates, and sick kids do not fall under the heading of "crisis". If these things are a crisis to you, good luck with that.
Scream into a pillow over the injustice of it all. This is not to question the justification of his/her deployment or service, but hey, it hurts when someone you love heads out. By the same token, worry is natural but not a coping tool. Set the timer, worry your head off for 15 minutes, and stop at the bing. Have an activity already planned that you will throw yourself into as soon as the timer goes off. If the worrying thoughts won't go away, say out loud and loudly "stop". You'll get another chance to worry tomorrow.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Christina
I really enjoyed this article. My husband is a Marine and is preparing for deployment to Iraq in September. We recently married about 3 months ago, so this is my first deployment. Most all of the things you touched on in this article apply to what i have been feeling and going through. Although my husband technically doesn't deploy until Sept. he is in CA training and stuff while I am back home in TX, so I am already experiencing the separation and the things that go with it. Thank you for writing this article. I know this information will be helpful to me over this next year.
2 - Shannon
Thank you.
3 - Holly
Thank you so much for this article. My fiancee left for Iraq September 25th (yesterday). I have literally felt like I am dying inside. This article has given me Hope that I will survive this.
4 - diana hartman
Holly, email me ( msdusmcd at yahoo dot com ) if you have any military fiancee-type questions.
My daughter's boyfriend (USMC) is on his 3rd Iraq travel venture. She has, of course, very limited access to information and support. Her only saving grace is that she is also a military dependent.
Let me know what state you're in and the base he deployed from and let's see what we can get for you.
5 - Rachael
thank you so much for the article. I am an Air force wife of just under a year and my husband will be going on his first deployment to Iraq in a few months. It's one of many, almost all members of security forces at dover AFB, are gone for 6 months and then are home for 6 months, so he's looking at many deployments in his future. I'm already starting to get freaked out by his first deployment and it's still months away. When you said Anger and Sadness are the first two emotions, I totally agree. I'm already going though that. they seem to alternate with each other. I will save your article and read it every so often. I really like it's going to help me out. Thanks a lot again for you insight and knowledge.
6 - Deanna
This article is like a breath of fresh air just when I felt at my lowest. On top of dealing with a deployment I felt like our marriage was in trouble because of all the arguing just before he left. The worry has been almost too much. Today I didn't even get dressed.
I found your article and there on the page was my life and all the emotions I felt over the past few months. I could hug you! I feel so relieved to know all these feelings are normal.Bless you for giving me hope. I know now that everything will be OK.
7 - kimberly
thank you for writing this article, it made me feel MUCH better about deployment and everything
8 - Jennifer
Thank you for writing this.. I am a marine wife with a new baby and my husband PCS'd to another state and is awaiting deployment to Iraq.. some days I feel like Im losing it and want to curl up and cry, others are good days but I am glad to know that Im not alone. I commend all you Military Wives out there who have gone through this several times.. I now feel your pain and strength! Support for ourselves and our spouses, we DO have the toughest job in the military!
9 - Kristy
ok so I read this while talking to my "technically not deployed" fiance'. he and i have been at wits ends. i am ready to give up... i actually think i did give up yesterday, but somehow woke up today back in this stinking situation. so here's my deal. its christmas andwe have no decorations or gifts. my family tries to cheer me up by talking about going caroling and shopping and it only makes me homesick.
plus, i moved away from everyone i loved and new to be with chris and then he left for a deployment, training and now an upgrade. he was gone on a mission for 4 months (he is a spec ops pilot) and was home literally about a month before he left for another 3 months to oklahoma for an upgrade. it kills me because a friend of mine who's hubby is deployed gets care packages and has family send her man stuff, but what about me. just bc chris isnt fighting in iraq at this particular time, doesnt he and i deserve some help. everyone seems to think i should be ok. my own mother sent a care package to another secret santa girl in her church bc the poor child's husband was away in turkey for the holidays. hello. i am ALONE too. to make matters worse all the things u suggest cost money and I dont make alot. i am a nurse (LPN) and made a fair salary in TX but here in SC it is very competitive and i dont seem to make enough to get by. plus the cost of living is outrageous but bc we are NOT MARRIED -yet- i dont get help financially. he doesnt get bonuses for me and i cant get on his insurance. these things have made me want to hurry and elope and sign the marriage license for all the wrong reasons. we want our nice wedding in NY, but i dont know if I will survive military life long enough to make it down the aisle. for those of u thinking i fell in love with the wrong man... not the case. i have been with him for 4 years. 3 of which i spent away from him bc his station transferred to SC... i was living in TX. the way i coped then was i worked... two jobs and had my friends and family with in driving distance. now i am not even within 20 hours of anyone i know. all of the things i did back home to make the deployment easier arent accessible here. it all costs money. plus chris and i do not live on base... its about a 1/2 drive and he doesnt research the options very well for either of us. i cant get on base, i dont have an id. so how do i take advantage of what they offer?!? lots of girls go on shoppig trips or spend their tax free money. one i dont get that and two i cant afford it. i pretty much walk the dog and that is about the only fun thing i have found that doesnt cost money! books clubs= money for books. sports, tennis= money for equiptment and facility. scrapbooking, ect= money for supplies... and my favorite, planning a wedding= money. not to mention my maid of honor is in arkansas, my sister and mom are in texas, and his parents are in NY...
chris kind of made it a point after his deployment 2 years ago to make friens outside of his squadron... since he spent so much time with those particular guys while over seas. good idea... it worked out well for him. but these new friends are single and doctors or such and have no idea what i go thru. thry dont help or have supportive, understand girlfriends who can help. most of them dont even have girlfriends AT ALL. i am just lost!!!!
please help... i have prayed and the only reason i am still hanging on is bc i believe God will eventually send me an angel with an answer!
let me end by saying i cried during the article bc u did touch on many things i thought i was the only one to experience. you hit the predeployment feelings i have right on the head. your article was fantastic and very informative. thanks a bunch. the only reason i am ranting and raving and being a baby and all "feel sorry for me" is bc i saw that people can chat and write you back and i was hoping someone would have some adice for me!
thank you.
10 - Diana Hartman
Dear Kristy,
I hope you'll be checking back for feedback. Many girlfriends go through very similar ordeals and it ain't no picnic. Without being married, a girlfriend is caught between two worlds, and not able to participate in either one. Sure there is the town you live in outside the gate, but as you've said, that's not providing the support you need.
Following a military man comes with very few benefits, but one of them is (and should be) the company and support of others in the same situation and access to services. Without that public proclamation of your love, following a military man becomes a nightmare in which a young woman is easily lost.
Before I tell you what I'd do, let me preface this by saying this is not what most girlfriends do. Most of them stick it out with the idea that love is enough to get them through. Most of them end up doing precisely what I'm going to tell you to do and then thinking themselves failures. This is what I would like to see you avoid.
Given how much he is gone, that you're not married and money is tight, this is what I would do: Go back home, save up money for the wedding, enjoy the company and support of your family and friends, and visit your boyfriend (or him visit you) whenever possible.
While it means not spending what little time he does have between operations with him, it does also mean you will be in the company of those you know and love, you'll be able to get a better paying job, you'll be able to save (more) money (faster) for the wedding you're hoping for, and most importantly it means you will not sit at the end of your ropes wondering where it all went wrong.
Trust me, even as a spouse there will be plenty of lonely nights and times when you question your decision to marry this particular man. As a spouse, however, you will have other spouses and the support services of the installation itself to counter that which you're feeling now: alone and without support.
About your mother: You'd think family, especially mothers, would be more supportive. I don't know that they aren't supportive; it's just that they don't understand. How can they, really? Unless they've done it themselves, they have no idea of the daily grind.
We just returned from Germany. To hear my family tell it (bearing in mind I was a Marine wife for over 20 years), you'd think I was off to Paris one day and Rome the next. It's not like that, whether you're in Stuttgart, Germany or Stuttgart, Arkansas. There's a huge difference between being a tourist and being a resident.
This is a difficult concept to get across to the family and friends we leave behind. They just don't get it. They're thinking about all the wonderful things they'll get to do when they come visit you - because they'll be on vacation. They don't consider how difficult it would be to go to Rome, take a full-time job, pay bills, raise kids, and still get to Paris.
When a family member would ask me if we'd been to Paris or Rome yet, I asked them if they've been to Denver or Miami. From their perch in Kansas, guess what? They hadn't. And yet they expected that I would have traveled a similar distance already. Why? Because they don't see the reality of moving and living somewhere else; they only see the fantasy of travel.
For the family and friends we leave behind, the life of following a military man is all about travel, new people, excitement and opportunity. And it is about that. For the first few years especially, and with each new assignment, it's about loneliness, the quest to get to know oneself better, and to put every social skill you thought you had to the test.
It's a great life I wouldn't trade for any amount of money, but it is a life that requires great patience, sometimes restraint, constant adjustment, flexibility and stamina. Military life is challenging and will make or break the best of us. It will pull on you and bring things out of you that you didn't even know you could do. It does not require you to give up who you are and what's most important to you. If the life you're living is taking this away from you, make a change - and make it soon.
Sincerely, Diana
11 - Stacey
Diana, do you have an email address I can email you some questions about deployment to? I need advice and don't know where to turn
12 - Diana Hartman
Stacey, you can contact me here at Blogcritics at diana1hartman at gmail dot com
13 - Asha
This is great information. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 8 months and he's getting deployed in July for what's supposed to be a year. He has been married before and got divorced because his ex cheated while he was deployed. This is all very new and scary for me as we are dealing with alot of obstacles because of his past fears and mine. I truly love him and think we may go the distance. Is it okay to ask for some sort of clear commitment before he leaves or should I lay low and say nothing? We've already decided were not breaking up. I mean he is going away for a year! Im not saying propose or else but Im not getting any younger and he's 5 years older than me! He has mentioned he wants to marry again and have more children. I admit to his credit he is a good guy who I know loves me. He may have unfairly caught me at the peak of my "I-want-to-get-married-and-have-kids-soon-phase!" LOL. Give me your thoughts.
14 - Diana Hartman
Dear Asha,
It’s only April. Who’s to say he doesn’t already have something up his sleeve in terms of a ring and a proposal speech? I’d sure as hell say nothing if for no other reason than because you may be setting yourself up to spoil what could be one of the happiest moments of your life.
If he has no such plans, he has a real good reason for it: he isn’t ready. I can appreciate your body clock and know it can be a strong, pressing need. He has one, too, and it is complicated by his divorce and the circumstances under which he divorced.
You have the opportunity to give him the deployment he hasn’t had: the one where no one cheats on him. You don’t need a marriage license to give him that " and in return, he just might come back with nothing but marriage on his mind.
The very idea of an ultimatum is a bad plan all around and it guarantees both parties walking away embittered. It’s also one of the worst possible ways to propose, second only to holding a gun to his head. You say you’re not saying “propose or else,” but unless you keep quiet, anything you say along these lines is going to be heard just that way.
There is no way you and he are going to be the same people you are today in July of 2009. While “nearly 8 months” sounds good, it’s only the tip of the deployment iceberg. Unless he’s retiring after this one, it probably won’t be his last deployment.
Many things will change with both of you between now and the middle of next year. I guarantee you will both be very different people come next year " and if those two people want to marry, so be it.
I’ve been involved with my husband for over 20 years and we still find out new things about each other because we, like all people, grow and change over time.
He deployed for a year not even a year into our dating. We didn’t marry until after we got back " and even that felt rushed to both us and we both wished we’d waited a few months after his return. It worked out, but jeezy creezy were there some rocky roads to travel " all roads we could have avoided by getting to re-know each other.
Rocky roads in a relationship are plentiful enough without building some of your own by rushing into things before both of you are ready and willing.
If you give him an ultimatum and he says yes, he will likely do it begrudgingly and come to regret the decision -- even if it was the right one -- because it wasn’t a decision you both made together, but rather a decision you made that he agreed to.
If he says no, how will you feel? Seriously sit down in a quiet place and imagine the whole thing: you give him the ultimatum and he says no. How do you feel about your relationship? How you do you feel about him? How do you think he feels about you? Your every answer will likely be colored in doubt " and that’s not good no matter how you dress it up.
Allow him his right: the opportunity to miss you, crave you and need you. Too, the person you’re going to be in July ’09 might really appreciate it if you didn’t blow it for her by jumping the gun now.
Men are notorious for writing what they won’t say. You have the opportunity to exchange a year’s worth of letters, a year’s worth of reflection on both your parts, a year’s worth of learning new things about each other. Tainting this opportunity with an ultimatum (or destroying the opportunity should he turn you down and then turn you out) eliminates any chance of happiness.
In fairness to him, he didn’t catch you at your peak; you just are at your peak. Expecting him to accommodate that regardless of where he is emotionally is grossly unfair and, again, will only work to create wedges in the relationship " assuming it doesn’t take the relationship down completely.
Infatuation is easy. Love is a decision. If the extent of your effort at this point is to get married or else, then it’s time to cool your heels and re-evaluate what and who you really want without haplessly involving someone else.
Sincerely,
Diana
15 - Magdalena
Diana - Thank you for this wonderful article. The level of honesty in your writing is much appreciated.
16 - Raya
Diana- I dont know if you still use this blog since all of the comments are in 2009 and prior, but i came across it when googling "dealing with a deployment boyfriend" here is my story...I actually met my somewhat boyfriend on a website. I wasnt able to find what i was looking for the old fashion way so i joined the website and found him. I live in philadelphia and he is stationed in Kansas. Even though there was a distance we still wanted to give it a try and get to know each other, and we clicked right away. We have made plans to meet one day and it was very exciting for us. To past time we would talk or text everyday and we also started to have web cam dates. I have grown to really like this man as a person. He has made me a happier person and i learn a lot from him. I cant wait for us to be together. Then comes the problem. I started to notice him being a little bit distance from me. Our conversations werent as long anymore and there wasnt much being said. I soon found out that someone was supposed to get deployed and now cannot be deployed so they need a replacement and its him. We have only been talking to each other a month this friday coming. So this is rather difficult for us. He has never been deployed before and I have never been through any of this before. I dont know what to do. I feel like this is who I am supposed to be with and I dont want to let it go. He isnt comfortable only seeing me once or twice before he leaves and then not seeing me for a year. I dont want to give up without being able to say that I tried. But I think he doesnt want to be there and then get news that Im moving on without him. He already has to worry about not being near his family and friends and not being able to speak to them when he wants. I dont want to add on to his worries. But I dont want to let him go. Im scared. Can you give some input on the situation....Thank you
17 - diana hartman
Raya,
Even the heartiest military servicemember does the distancing thing before a deployment. What you're talking about, however, is not a deployment. A year is a tour. The difference used to be the location, but these days the difference is the amount of time. A deployment is up to a year, but is more often 6-8 months. A tour is a year no matter what and can go beyond that.
A year tour (whether to a combat zone or not) is an excruciatingly long period of time. Keep in mind that sometimes marriages (which is to say two people who have met, dated and committed to each other) break up during or after a tour. The loss of an already established day-to-day relationship is very difficult to bear.
What you’re looking at is the loss of a potential relationship. Very different. Don’t allow yourself (and don’t let anyone else talk you in) to getting all caught up in an imaginary drama.
This may well be the man you are supposed to be with, but that doesn't mean there is any rush to do anything right this minute or even right this month! My husband was gone on a year tour not 8 months after we started dating, and while it was a struggle after he returned, his absence was not the end of the world. In fact, all that writing was good for us because people, especially men, will often write what they won't say.
If this man decides to cut off communication with you before he deploys, do yourself the dignity of not chasing after him or trying to convince him otherwise. Because you've been communicating for as long as you have, there's an outside chance he will get back in touch with you once he's settled in (relatively speaking) to his new assignment.
What you're both experiencing is important, but I must tell you that what he's experiencing could cost him his life down the road if he is not focused. He will no doubt miss you just as much as you will miss him, but he will have the added pressure of doing a job in a place he's never been before with people from an entirely different culture and language. Culture shock is very real is a major obstacle to transition, especially if one is there for reasons of combat.
If the location is dangerous, all the more reason why he doesn't need nor would he benefit from a single distraction, including trying to assure you that he’s okay when he might not be.
Again, once he's settled in he may contact you. Don't set your calendar around it, though, because oftentimes people change drastically when their lifestyle/routine goes through a major change (to include the significance of the location). His job is NOT to make you feel better about anything. His job is to stay safe and alive while doing what he was sent there to do.
Do what you have to do to keep from consuming yourself with worry regardless of where he's going. Worry never helped anyone, and the anxiety of it could certainly do you harm, so re-read the article for things you can and should be doing to make your life the best it can be regardless of who else is or isn't in it!
Sincerely, Diana
18 - Raya
Diana
I am so happy that you responded. And so quick too. I reread the article after i read your response. Then i called him and talked about us. We have came to the conclusion that without putting a title on us we can continue to communicate while he is gone and then when he comes home if getting into a relationship is something that we both still want to do then we will...One part in your response you say that you and your husband used the time he was away to write and it was good for the both of you...he said the same thing to me over the phone. he mentioned that it will give us time to get to know each other better too...i just wanted to say thank you for shedding some light on my stiuation. i will be sure to come back to the site if i have any more questions or if i get off track and need a refresher on the things to do...Thank you
19 - Leigh
Foremost, let me express my appreciation to you, Diana for taking the time and efforts to writing such a descriptive and helpful article. Your article instills hope and a positive perspective in place of many negatives. I feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon your blog as I to am in a situation that is a bit worrisome for me.
My boyfriend on the past six years (yes, six years… I always feel as though I have to explain that. He is just freshly divorced, he had an ex-wife who made it her priority to see that a divorce would not come easy, but rather difficult, time consuming and ridiculously expensive as she did not want to as she has said “my entitlements as military spouse to vanish” things didn’t go in her favor as the marriage only lasted two weeks before separation. Anyway…) My boyfriend is a Sailor turned Seabee and we have been through multiple brief debits and even a deployment together. Although, all of which was before we had two children and moved out of state several hundred miles from my home, family, friends career, and network, two years ago. Now, he is currently away for training and will not return for four months. And we are only eight days into this. I feel very silly and ridiculous admitting this, but I feel as though I’m losing it. Eight days and it feels like the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face and there is an overwhelming amount of time left. I keep trying to rationalize this out as it’s only a four month separation and we’ve been through longer more than once and therefore shouldn’t be as hard as it was before and not to be so overdramatic.
Either way, if I am being silly, my sanity owes you a debit of gratitude and my sincerest thanks.
20 - Hillary
WOW You really know what you are talking about!! My husband is gone right now and I am having a hard time with it.this is his 4th time going but our 1st with a child but just reading this helped me so much because I know I'm not alone.The part about how it feels before they go when you fight and then your sad....that was like I wrote it my self because it was so close to what we went through.Thank you so much for taking the time out to write this to help others like me.I will be sharing this with my other air forse wife friends.THANK YOU!!
21 - Courtney Baker
Thanks for the article, Diana. I'm getting ready for my first deployment as an Army wife, my husband is headed for Afghanistan in January. He packed his first bag last night, and I think that's what's causing it to really sink in for me right now. Last December when we got married, he told me he was going to get out of the Army. That all changed in April when he decided to extend for this deployment.. It's always just been something we talk about, and hasn't seemed like a reality until just now. I don't know when we are going to get a definite date.. I almost just want it to come so that we can get it over with, and be done with it.
It's especially difficult because I am young, and just moved 1500 miles away from my family, and everyone I know, to be with my husband last January. And now, suddenly I am going to have to face up to facts and deal with being alone out here for a year. I've met some of the other wives on the base, but they are all drama and I really don't want to get caught up in that. They also all seem to drink a lot, and that's not something I want to be doing while my husband is gone.
I know how to take care of myself.. I just don't want to be alone, and I'm so afraid of something happening to him, or me. I lost my best friend overseas in Afghanistan in 2008 to a roadside bomb. So, I'm not spreading this story to the other wives, but it's something I've had to cope with and live with, and now here is my husband, and my very best friend, headed for the same place. I don't know what to do.. I guess just pray and try to keep busy, but I think too much. Thank you for this article, though, it has given me a bit of hope that I will be okay.
22 - Sarah
Thank you so much for bringing me back at least a small piece of my sanity. I have been a wreck since finding out my husband is deploying - it's my first deployment and he is set to leave in January, and our 2nd child is due in 3 weeks. I have been scared, angry and upset, and feel guilty for it all. Thanks to you, I know that these are all normal and now have a glimpse of hope that I might do okay.
I am still nervous and scared about being alone, and am not really sure how to handle the situation with my 3 year old daughter. She already knows that her daddy will be leaving, but I am not sure how to handle the situation with her. I intended on telling her later, but my husband slipped so now we are trying to assure her everything will be okay.
Where exactly do I turn to for support? We just relocated to this base and I don't know anyone or where anything is. I am a good 12+ hours away from any family, and I am not even sure how good of a support system they are regardless. I am worrying more each day how I will handle being alone with a newborn and my oldest for 7-9 months.
Your article will serve as a reminder that I am not alone and that others have survived this all before. I am going to follow your words of advice and keep busy - that shouldn't be too tough with 2 kids. Thank you again, and thank you for giving a place for me to vent. I am sure my entry may seem as a rant to some, but I do feel a bit better now that it's all in black and white. Thank you thank you thank you!
23 - sarah
I have read yur article and some of the responses and it has been such a relief to know that what I am feeling is normal. I have been with my partner for over seven years and as he is in the TA I did not think he would ever see active service. Due to his work commitments we have not had a break together for three years as his holidays were taken up with training and now he is due to go I have been so angry and resentful, and felt so guilty afterwards. He has become very distant and even on his two week R&R he did not want to spend anytime at home prefering to go and see his friends, on the odd day he was at home he was edgy and snappy. Everyone around you is very sympathetic and when they are not in the situation they cannot fully appreciate it that part of you almost wants them to go so you can start to move forward and they cannot understand why I say he's doing my head in instead of bursting into tears every five minutes. I completely underestimated the strain it puts on your relationship and the feelings that kinda take you by suprise. And I did not want to join any support groups because I felt that somehow as a single woman I did not have the right to complain when there are so many mothers with children to look after as well as coping with all this that I felt guilty about approaching them. Reading this article has now made me feel a little better and taught me a lesson in looking and asking for help when I need it!
24 - Eirini Steiner
My fiance has been deployed a bit more than two weeks. So far I've had a hell of a time adjusting to that. I think I'm a strong woman, but I'm still having grappling with his absence and trying to find some kind of a structure that I can adhere to. I miss his presence. I miss being able to just phone him whenever I want. I miss just simply to be able to go to him to where he lives or where he works and to spend time with him. I miss just simply getting regular text messages from him. I miss being able to do stuff with him. I miss easily discussing things with him.
I also worry about his wellbeing. This, eventhough I know that he's had good training. This also eventhough he is strong. I feel like a baby sometimes, but apparently that is not so uncommon or so strange to feel like that in these kinds of situations. I don't want to pretend that I'm so rough and tough all the time. That is hogwash and pretending to be like that all the time will just not be good at all.
I feel as if noone really understands me. My family has not been a help in this so far at all. They add to the frustration, anger and sadness. Sometimes. I sometimes also feel as if people are not taking me serious. I don't know why this is so. Just because we are not married yet? What is this?! That just adds to all the negative and bad emotions. And it completelly isn't helpful at all.
I've been in the Army before and I have deployed before. I thought this would help me a great deal through all of this. Maybe I'm not aware that it does help, but I get the feeling it doesn't. I knew I would miss him like crazy -eventhough I'm not crazy- and I tried to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. The truth is though, that it's far more difficult than I ever thought.
I live in a place where I don't know any people close-by and I'm looking for work. That doesn't help either. It's wintertime and outdoors activity have have come to a minimum. I say to myself, just keep on going as much as you can. Keep on pressing on. The year will go by; slowly but surely. I know it is so, but there are moments when I just want to burst out crying or when I feel that I'm going crazy. Again, I'm fully aware that I'm not crazy.
I also don't know how to be or what to write about when I write to him. Sometimes I say to myself that maybe I shouldn't mention the one or the other thing, since it might worry him or upset him. Should he be worried? I don't want him to worry, but then he should know certain things. So, I get stuck in not knowing what to do or what to say. How am I as his future wife supposed to be? I don't really know and I don't want to make a mistake either.
Then, as his fiancee I wish I were married to him already. It would make certain things much easier. It's not easy. All of this is not easy at all. I said to myself I will come and deal with whatever comes my way to the best of my abilities and knowledge, eventhough only now I'm starting to feel how it is to have my fiance being deployed. It hurts sometimes, sometimes it angers me, sometimes it leaves me saddens me. I do miss him in so many ways. I guess only him and I do understand this. And I keep on pressing on.
25 - Falon
Eirini, I am going through the same thing as you on the other side of the world (Australia). My partner left a week ago and I'm such a wreck of emotions.
I am a strong person, too (I thought), and I also grew up in the military so I knew what we were getting into when he joined. I think knowing about it is both helpful and detrimental. I've seen the horror stories and people who haven't coped well, which leaves this tiny fear constantly in my gut. But I also have more understanding about what's going on, which is reassuring I imagine.
I thought it would be much easier than it is. I've been through other times apart with him and thought it would be the same -- how wrong I was. The week leading up to him going I was a complete mess, not sleeping or eating, really confused about everything, forgiving him anything at all...all his annoying habits I suddenly didn't mind one bit. I went through the memorising of his face, just in case, the crying on his chest while he was asleep so that he didn't know and worry about me. And finally in the last day he was here I just broke and couldn't hold my tears anymore, they'd come out every time I tried to speak.
And then he was gone, and I cried in the car on the way home until there was nothing left to cry, and then I was numb. And that's where I've been the last week, staring off in space, really quiet..the only time I'm not numb is when I'm angry, which is often. Not even at anything in particular...the guy that cut me off at the grocery store, the dog when he won't stop crying to come inside, my son when he's feeling like a chatterbox...everything except what I should be angry about, and then I'm just numb! It makes no sense at all.
He's called a couple of times and I haven't known what to say, only to remember when I hang up and feel horrible that I've forgotten. Even though he's already gone I know his world is so different from mine now, what can we possibly talk about that matters? I bought a journal to write in while he was away (writing is an outlet of mine), but I haven't touched it...infact this now is the most writing or talking I've done! I sent him a care package already, but could only muster a tiny little note. I don't know what to say at all...do I tell him I'm missing him so much that I'm not sleeping, that I'm drinking more than he normally would? No, of course I don't...I don't want to worry him. Do I tell him about my day when it seems so insignificant now? Why bother, I think.
I've been reading and hearing so much advice on how I should be handling this. What I should be doing for his sake, and what I should be doing for mine. It just makes me so angry. As if I choose to feel like this? It's ridiculous. If I had the capacity to get out there and find a new hobby right now don't you think I'd be doing it? Obviously I know it's unhealthy to sit around stewing, and don't get me wrong..I get up and go to work, I force myself to go around and see friends. But I just feel miles away from anyone. I want someone to say to me at the end of the night when I'm falling asleep in front of the television but avoiding bed "come on, you're tired, get in bed"...but that's him that does that. How do I suddenly learn the one to do it? And what if I just don't want to?
I'm trying to count down the days, and at the start of each I'm both happy it's one off the calendar, and worried about what mess of emotions it's going to bring. Am I going to feel like I'm sleepwalking the entire time he's away?