However, tolerance is not a successful tool for dealing with a controlling partner or spouse. Generally, this strategy defeats keeping a balanced give-and-take in a relationship. Control freaks struggle with the giving part of give-and-take. Ignoring and tolerating become equal to giving-up and giving-in with a control freak.
All people are different, so why shouldn't I just accept my partner's controlling ways?
People can enjoy a healthy, satisfying, and intimate relationship when they are different. Going with the flow and rolling with differences are healthy skills, but only with a two-way balanced flow and roll. If you consciously choose to be tolerant, accepting, or laid back in a relationship with a control freak, after a while, the relationship quality gets busted by that one-way flowing and rolling.
When the topic of disagreement is significant (excluding how to install the toilet paper roll or whether to alphabetize the cans in the pantry), couples need to work toward more than fragile tolerance or calm acceptance. Daring to have a discussion or even a mild argument on the important differences can build understanding, cooperation, negotiation, collaboration, and compromise, which are the skills essential to a long-term, intimate relationship. These skills can seem like an impossible challenge for controlling people.
How does controlling behavior affect relationships and intimacy?
Intimacy or closeness is severely affected in a relationship dominated by controlling behavior. Typically, the controlling person smothers the other one who becomes emotionally absent, numb, defensively passive, or simply withdraws. Over time, emotions deaden due to repeated criticism, ridicule, disagreement, and simple aggravation with the controlling partner. How can anyone continue to feel intimate or close under those circumstances?
If your spouse or significant other is a control freak (or you are), ignoring, tolerating, or accepting the controlling behavior has a serious side effect: discouraging or eliminating intimacy. Too much of these passive behaviors toward a partner, especially a control freak, creates lopsidedness in the relationship. This imbalance will not satisfy the relationship needs of the tolerant, accepting, or laid-back person very well or for very long. Distance and dissatisfaction grow silently. The controlling person may not recognize it.
Bottom Line
Control freaks and their partners, who over-tolerate long-term controlling behavior from them, conspire together and can easily wipe out loving intimacy in their relationship.
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