Can’t we express our views about what we think is right?
We all need a basic set of ideas to guide our lives, our sense of Good-Bad-Right-Wrong (GBRW). We label people, events, and things as being good or bad and right or wrong for us through a set of GBRWs - our cluster of values, opinions, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, actions, and patterns.
By adding “for us” at the end, we do not get bossy or controlling with them. GBRWs are the basis for our life decisions. We take action based on them. At another level, we have our Preferences-Likes-Dislikes (PLDs) to steer our choices. Controlling people fail to respect the unique GBRWs and PLDs of others.
Where do GBRWs and PLDs come from?
Our GBRWs and PLDs come from both our direct experiences and outside influences, like family and social environment. GBRWs/PLDs are healthy when we understand that they belong in the ‘what works for me’ category. (Marriage and parenting do allow for special influential use of our GBRW/PLDs with our spouse and children.)
We naturally attempt to influence people with our GBRWs/PLDs. Controlling people attempt to control with theirs.
We may validate or beef up support for our own system of GBRWs, for example, through government and religion. Government laws, which only apply geographically, outline a version of GBRW - legal and illegal, but application of the law is still determined in the field by law enforcement officials. Interpretation and consequence are decided later in courtrooms.
Religious beliefs and codes are another type of GBRW - moral and immoral, but moral values vary among religions. Even governmental and religious GBRWs are not set in stone. Controlling people believe theirs are the stone.
What if the controlling person in my life is my spouse?
Special problems arise when our spouse or significant other is controlling. Intrusive opinions, interrupted conversations, disrespectful criticisms, ridicule, judgments, bossiness, nagging, and overbearing presence are only part of the burdensome daily interactions in life with a control freak.
We frantically seek strategies to contain our frustrations and regain our own control. Unfortunately, we often try to control them in a desperate response to end their control. Trying to control a control freak can turn us into one. It takes one to control one. Relationship problems intensify because of controlling behavior.
What happens if I just ignore all the controlling behavior instead?
It may seem like common sense that ignoring or just tolerating controlling behavior would reduce the impact of the behavior on your relationship. After all, tolerance is a good trait. Ignoring and tolerating small or unimportant differences is a positive adjustment in most significant relationships.
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