We Have Not Communicated Until What I Mean Is What You Understand
Simply saying and hearing, while obviously necessary, are not enough to establish communication. Glitches occur when what you meant by what you said is not what the listener understood by what she heard. In all communication, the speaker should get to explain what he meant without being challenged on his intended meaning, and the listener, in turn, should get to explain what she understood without being challenged on her personal understanding. None of us gets to tell somebody else what they meant – only what we understood.
Example: A man announces his plans to clean the gutters. His wife asks what ladder he is using. He answers. She comments that it might be too slippery from the rain. He replies, no. Next she suggests that he wait until their son comes home to help, to which he immediately replies that he is not waiting. Then he blows up at her and accuses her of criticizing him and treating him like he's stupid.
She is surprised at his response. But what he wanted was to be left alone to do the task, and felt nagged by her questions. She, on the other hand, always appreciates his collaboration and opinions when she works on a project, but has trouble getting him involved.
The message she sent was not the message he received. Here is one take on meaning vs. understanding in this scenario:
She INQUIRED about the ladder; he felt she CHALLENGED his competence.
She OFFERED INFORMATION about the wet conditions; he felt CRITICIZED.
She PERSISTED in trying to be helpful; he felt she was NAGGING him about the whole gutter thing.
Whenever you are in a conversation and the response feels mismatched to your intent, follow up to gain clarity.
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