She laughed, and spent a minute or so explaining to me that God/Jesus is not about money, but about happiness. Undeterred, she pressed on again, “When did you last talk to Jesus?”
“I’m deaf. I don’t know that Jesus knows sign language, and I’ve never gotten an email from God, you know?” She seemed a little surprised – at least her eyes widened enough for me to notice that her blue eyes were really blue contacts. Her dark eyebrows, which I had just noticed, gave away the fact that someone had done a poor job of bleaching her hair because it was a yellowish hue that seemed unnatural.
“But you said you saw Jesus, right?”
“So then that means you must’ve talked to him. Where did you see Jesus, then?”
I paused for a second. Not wanting her to discover my intentions, I played along.
Sipping a half-empty glass of tea, I told her, “I dunno. Somewhere near the south part of town, I guess.”
“What was Jesus doing?” I suddenly felt like a criminal defendant on the stand, being cross-examined by a prosecutor set to achieve a high conviction rate. Her tone had changed considerably – or at least her body language told me as much.
“JESUS was flashing people.”
Instantly, her mouth widened, revealing near perfect teeth. I wondered if she’d had her teeth cosmetically done, but I wasn’t able to hold that thought long because she looked offended. Very offended, as if I’d mortally wounded her soul.
“Excuse me? What? He was doing what?”
“Flashing people. I think JESUS is for gays, too.”
Her body posture changed again, though I felt she was becoming frustrated with me. Feeling a little guilty, I decided to explain.
“Well, you know how the colors of the rainbow are ‘code’ for gays and lesbians, right?”
She nodded slowly and then leaned forward and put her hands on the table. Up to that point, she’d kept her arms crossed, and obviously discussing Jesus and gays in the same sentence seemed to draw her forth towards me, literally and figuratively.
“JESUS was covered in all the colors of the rainbow. There’s no mistaking it – JESUS is for gays and lesbians. I don’t know. Hell, I think the whole JESUS thing is gay, anyway.”
“You can’t be serious! Jesus is NOT gay! That’s impossible! The Bible says sodomy is a sin! I think you’re mistaken. Seriously.”
I nodded again. “I don’t know – all I know is what I saw. Seeing is believing, isn’t it?”