What a fabutastic few weeks of celebrity goodness! It’s like Christmas came early and I was sprawled atop of Santa’s Nice List, what with Britney Spears dumping K-Fed, dropping her drawers and palling around with my favorite mentally challenged celebrity Paris Hilton. The icing on this sweetass cake could only be Lindsay Lohan’s final descent in madness. Oh wait, check that off my wish list!
In the spirit of the holidays, I have begun writing my own version of the most annoying Christmas ballad on record:
"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Britney Spears sans panties;
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two skanky hoes who like to party;
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A slew of crazy emails from a Firecrotch named Lindsay"
I’m sort of stuck there, maybe y’all can pitch in.
So yeah, back to Brit-Brit. When we last left our “junior diva” she was having difficulty remembering her underwear and was letting it all hang out with the likes of her new BFF Paris Hilton. Accusations of irresponsibility, child neglect, and a severe sense of foreboding for her future were rife. One week later, we have come full circle.
Early reports this week held that Britney’s mother, Lynn Spears, was having trouble tracking down her eldest daughter, as were the agents at CPS. According to sources, the agency hasn’t made official contact yet, but her family and handlers weren’t waiting and were “trying to stage an intervention with (Spears’ manager) Larry Rudolph’s help.”
Perhaps not coincidentally, Britney has now stepped up to quell the rising tide of negativity with a statement on her official website which both addresses the recent scandals and sets a more positive, if not coquettish, tone in light of her recent behavior:
- It’s been so long since I’ve been out on the town with friends. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria’s Secrets’ new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.
Article comments
1 - Matthew T. Sussman
On the twelfth day of Christmas
Dawn Olsen gave to me:
Twelve Britneys flashin'
Eleven Costners jackin'
Ten Pitts a-cheatin'
Nine Sheens a-ragin'
Eight fires a-crotchin'
Seven Suris shriekin'
Six Avrils spittin'
PARIS IS A BIIIIIIIIIIITCH
Four dumped Lacheys
Three girls gone wild
Two sex tapes
And a Federline asleep on the couch
2 - Dawn
That was a rip snorter Mr. Suss. Yo, like you busted my ass up.
Excellent work!!!!
3 - Hank Sloan
Al Gore, Lindsey Lohan, Brittany, Bill Clinton !!! That would make a great video!!
4 - DJRadiohead
Dawn, spot on as always. This is tremendous. I will hope to get to check in with you this week.
Suss, that was nearly perfect. If only you had managed to get the word "Va-jay-jay" in there, it would have gotten a 100%. That, Lindsay, is an A. You probably never got any of those.
5 - JS
Am I supposed to be able to read that email as it is? I thought I could click on it to enlarge it but that just took me to some other website.
6 - Aurel Montgomery
Dawn....can't wait to hear your comments on Nicole Richie's drug induced little romp down the freeway in the wrong direction...fa..la.lalalal.. lalallallalahhhhhh.
Now here begins the mystery....the pot and the vicodin can't be the only thing she's on....where's the weightloss factor people?
7 - Dawn
Yeah, JS, it's not set up correctly. Just take my word for it, Lindsay's an incoherent, babbling brook of idiocy.
8 - Eric Olsen
thanks for the perspective Dawn - it's easy to forget that not all celeb behavior is equal and not everyone is headed in the same direction. I really hope Lindsay can get it together - she's way too young to be this screwed up