Elsa,
I recently got married to a man whom I considered to be perfect. I had never known anyone like him - he didn't seem to have a lot of the typical "male" behaviors, and I respected and admired that about him. I had asked him about pornography in the past... not in an accusatory way, but just curious if he ever watched it. He said no, and I was so proud! I never had a reason not to trust him because I had known him for several years. It never occurred to me he might be lying.
So I guess the next part of the story is pretty predictable. I found over 20 pornographic movies saved on his computer this week. This led to a long evening of crying, apologizing, pleading, etc. He swears it is a problem from his past that is over now, but I'm taking this is a huge disloyalty and I feel duped. I can't help but feel like I don't even l know him anymore - I've never been so hurt in my life.
In our previous discussions about porn I made it very clear that I consider it cheating, and yet he still did it for years behind my back. I don't know how I will ever trust him again. Is there anything in either of our charts that may help me see why this is a problem for him... and whether or not we'll be able to work through this?
Just Married
Dear Married,
I’ll be candid and say that I think you have your work cut out for you if you want to maintain your relationship. But it is as much because of you, as it is him. And this is where I am going to focus, since you’re the one writing.
But I don’t want you to feel blamed. It goes without saying he’s betrayed you. I also don’t believe his problem is in the past. If this were true, he’d have dumped the porn for sure, knowing how you feel about it and all. So there. I think he’s deceitful, but doubt he’s malicious. More like a person hiding their drinking from a spouse who thinks they’re sober.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Condor
Elsa,
Take your man to Nevada, purchase a legal prostitute, go into the room with him and enjoy a hearty threesome. He'll thank you for it.
2 - Connor
Elsa, I meant... "Just Married" take your man to Nevada, purchase a legal prostitute... etc...
Oh and it's Connor, not Condor... typo
3 - Bliffle
Hard to believe people still get upset over porn.
4 - jack e. jett
oh the self-rightous. everyone wants to be the next dr. phil.
don't you know that bashing porn is so....sooo
1975.....
the year by the way is 2006. you can watch porn at the hilton with a hilton now.
jack jett
5 - Michael J. West
I have to say...I don't know any guys who DON'T have a bunch of porn on their computer. For that matter, a substantial number of WOMEN I know have a bunch of porn on their computer....
I can understand being upset because the husband lied (although I also understand why he lied), but being upset because he has porn??? And considering it "cheating?" That's absurd and unreasonable.
6 - dee
I'm not a blogger, just a reader, but I hope no one minds me jumping in on this subject,.couldn't resist. I understand completely about being against porn, no comparison to "Michelangelo" as mentioned. Porn is meant to arouse, art is to be admired, because that's real talent. I can't compete with women who look perfect, and perform perfect. They get to be air-brushed, or do a take over, until it's 'PERFECT". In my bedroom, nothing is perfect, and if my husband watches his share of porn, what will he expect from me, and now am I dissapointing, cause my thighs aren't tight, or my lips aren't full enough, or I didn't grown just right at the sight or feel of him??? How about some reality porn, where the wife actually has AGED, her butt has been invaded by gravity and celulite,(sp?), and lets not forget, the husband dosn't look 21 any longer?? You give guys this B.S. fantasy to watch, then they get climb into bed with the real deal. Ya think maybe that could mess with out heads?? I know in the past, when I've watched porn, I didn't think of my husband, I fixed on how well the guy was doing his job on the screen. Now I have to accept what my husband thinks I like to turn me on, cause even though I've told him a thousand times, I know I will have to tell him a thousand more, to get it the way I like it, but not the guy on the screen. He gets it right EVERYTIME. Porn is for the lonely, or self pleasers cause their partners don't have a clue. Porn is not for couples, unless your'e into something other than what you can both call normal. I firmly believe, if you're a closet porn viewer, you're a closet freak, and you need to find a freak for a partner, and yes I beleive porn is like an affair, especially, if you don't want your'e significant other to know. What's up with the secracy?? If you can't say or do something in the front of the eyes or ears of your partner, then there must be something wrong with it. A fart is embarrassing, but I do it and my husband will hear it. Masturbation is a normal function, and I'd do that in front of my husband, so why would I choose to hide it?? Help!! I'm running my mouth, but you get the picture
dee
7 - dee
why does he need to lie? What is he protecting? Once the lie is found out, that's what he becomes,....a liar.
8 - Conner
Dee,
You're reading way too much into the porn thing. It's not art, it's culture. But... I know several photogs who take their art seriously and if they are doing nudes, or porn, they are using techniques that have been established, the same as a figurist would.
I also know several artists in the fine art category who also draw provocative studies from time to time. Is that porn too?
That said, you have alluded to a matter which I don't think most men realize. That being, you feel in competition with the porn/art. That's a revealing (no pun intended) aspect which most men don't take into consideration. Should you feel in competition? Or, as in any public setting where there are lots of mingling... is it natural for the women to feel as if it is an competative atmosphere?
Very interesting indeed. I would say, men like competition. If you feel the need to compete in the looks department... feel free. If not, there are plenty of men who could care less about competition. They just like looking at women, as the women are pleasing to the eye and invoke the beauty that is inherent to all women.
9 - Michael J. West
Porn is not for couples, unless your'e into something other than what you can both call normal.
It sounds to me like we're talking about YOUR definition of normal, dee, and it's a hell of a narrow view. If watching porn constitutes being a freak, I have to imagine that, say, S&M constitutes being psychotic.
10 - dee
Conner, I'm sure I know the difference between art and porn, and the purpose for both. Let's not mix words, porn is porn, and art is art. Why do you have to be 18 to get on a porn site, but not art. Also, I can't say I remember Michealangelo, doing any blowjobs on canvis, or a skinny blonde in leather. I know art can be grahpic, and maybe even disturbing, to maybe my old school mom, from the 30's. Let's not get off the topic at hand,.....a husband who lied to his wife about having porn. Why? As a man would you like to take a guess at that? Make me understand, if it's not such a big deal, than why lie about it?
11 - dee
Michael, you are so right, that was a narrow view on my part. I have watched porn with my husband, to change it up in the bedroom. I've also watched porn, while he's been on the road for too long, but I don't have a private collection that I hide from him. Why do you think anyone needs to hide their collection from their partner? If you believe you have a healthy emotional, and physical relationship, then why the secracy?? That's all I'm trying to get at, while I sprew my own insecurities.
12 - jack e. jett
dee
i am confused..is this your story? what does neptune have to do with it?
embrace the porn. love the porn. be at peace with the porn.
btw..do you know if he had discovered some cool free sites?
jack jett
13 - zingzing
because he didn't think she would understand? to compare porn to drinking is foolish. shit, i like porn. but i love my girlfriend. when she ain't around for a couple days, now and then i whip it out (the porn). some nice me-time. not a damn thing wrong with that.
the writer (just married) obviously has antiquated ideas about porn. she considers it cheating? ha! stickin your dick in another woman is cheating. gettin off by yourself is just... getting off. a huge betrayal? fuck off. get over yourself. she feels like she "doesn't even know him?" ahh... same old guy, but with porn! jesus... my girl's got more porn than i do, but i don't show her my porn. meh.
to the writer, i say, "grow up." to porn teetollers, i say, "silly person."
14 - dee
Jack, no it's not my story, and zingzing, finally someone with some type of answer. "Maybe she wouldn't understand"....help us to do that then, or at least try, which btw, you helped me just in that short line......communication is art!!
15 - dee
What's a porn teetoller??
16 - zingzing
just to clear things up for all women:
q: why do men lie to women?
a: 1)to hide something truly awful, 2)to make themselves look better, or 3)women want to hear something different than the truth.
any of the three can apply here, but obviously #1 only applies to catholics (or other self-haters), #2 only applies near the beginning of a relationship, but becomes a reason in itself if it is consistently brought up, and #3 applies to everything, with the level of lie depending upon the woman--you tell every woman what she wants to hear, otherwise you would never talk to a woman. (of course, now and then, you just got to let her have the truth, harsh and simple.)
17 - zingzing
oh, and i meant "teetotaller." i fucked it up. (if still confused-->it refers to abstinense from alcohol, the temperance movement, etc. originally, but i use it (and i'm sure others do as well) to describe any negative attitude toward supposedly "sinful" activities for silly moral reasons.)
18 - dee
I can't argue with your 3 answers to why men lie to women....all true, and from experience, I will beat to death a truthful answer, only becuase I want to make sure I understand it inside out. I am a creature of simplicity, so don't throw too much my way, just a bite at a time....that's how the brain functions. Old age? Just a woman? Hmmm! Look, I know you guys are wired different, and I try like heck to get it. All I want is to undrstand, be understood, and please,.....no lying, especially if given the chance to be truthful. You hunt, we nest, but dammit, we all suffer from lies, eventually. Sometimes it's necessary to tell little white lies, but the glue that binds relationships, ......that's the lies you don't use. I once heard, that it's all about emotional immaturaty, is why someone would not own up to the boundries crossed in a relationship. when I heard that, I thought good and hard about my own,....am I doing my part? Answer: Yes
19 - Connor
Dee,
Who's lying? They both are. He is for being whipped and not laying all the cards on the table for a full picture of his humanity.
and She is for feeling betrayted after probably repressing his being forthcoming on who/what he really is like.
Did he deny anything? What stakes were on the table? Was lying about being "abnormal" in regards for liking to look at nude people acting in front of a camera? Why did he lie? Was her commitment at stake if he was truthful. Was she so damn fine that he would do anything to hang on to the so fine a mate? Perhaps... no, probably.
Fact is. She's uptight about porn to the point she repressed his ability to even broach the subject, in FEAR of losing... her. Or in fear of embarassing himself, which if that is the case... perhaps "they" don't belong together.
If you can't be yourself around your mate... it's not working; is it?
I look at porn occasionally... but I don't really feel the need to masterbate. I might look at porn for a totally different reason than some people. I like the photographic content... the way the picture was composed etc...
I've seen art from a variety of cultures, there's a lot of porn out there... Michaelanglio might not have been into the art of porn... and I'll give you that. But ancient graphical representations of the Kama Sutra will prove your comment regarding art/art and porn/porn as a false statement.
20 - Michael J. West
Dee, you say,
Sometimes it's necessary to tell little white lies
And perhaps that's the kind of lies that we men are telling when we lie about porn? Aren't the lies "I don't find other women attractive," "I never fantasize about sex with anyone but you," and things like that?
21 - dee
I'm gonna hold on to art is art, and porn is porn. i get what you're saying about the two, but once again, just to be clear, we say porn, when we mean sexually explicit for the purpose of arousal, yes?? Back to being in an honest relationship,...pretty tough water to tred. No matter how long I've been married, I find that everyday is a learning experience, hopefully I'm getting it right. Just getting to this blog, and getting involved has been an eye opener. I also know, that in the end, it's just opinions, and no real answers, but the feed back helps me to re-think, I want to be the sexy turn on for my husband. I know, fantasy to think no one but me could turn his head, but that's my fantasy. Porn blows that out of the water for me. I know, if my hubby is watching porn, he's holding his johnson, feeling the lips of another woman, (porn star) and she's, not me, she's getting him off. the thought that goes through me, is, this young hot babe got you off, and you could see her, your mind went to her lips, and the whole nineyards. Another man between my legs, is foreign to me, but for you guys, no big deal, even if it is just a movie. this is where we feel, we'e not good enough, or he wouldn't go to the porn.....I'm supposed to be enough, he is for me. Childish? Maybe, but that's how WE are wired. Maybe I'm basing this on someone who over endulges. If it's here and there, no harm. i have to go to work, so I'll check back in the morning.
22 - zingzing
dee, you're looking at it from your (a woman's) perspective. men don't "feel the lips" of another woman when they masturbate to porn. they feel their hand. (or in the case of "the stranger," they feel nothing.)
man's instruction to his woman: "be my friend, my lover, my protector, my everything... romantic etc, etc, etc."
man's instruction to porn: "gimme a hardon so i can get off. thanks. later. sheesh."
i don't call out a woman's name when i'm strokin it. i don't even want to know a name.
23 - dee
OMG, this place is addictive....thanks for clearing that up zingzing. I know when I watch porn, I can feel that dude in me, and so on. Thought it was the same for guys. Are ya sure about that? Any other guy on here brave enough to be honest? I mean do ya feel what your'e watching?? Really got to go to work now, be back in the a.am. I could be dangerous if I started watching porn, the addiction and all,..just look at one day of BC did to me!!
24 - Michael J. West
Any other guy on here brave enough to be honest? I mean do ya feel what your'e watching??
Not even close. If I could do that, I probably would never have bothered to actually, physically have sex.
And even if we could feel it, it wouldn't matter. Because it's not real. There's nobody else actually there. No intimacy, physical or otherwise, is being shared with any other person.
And back to this point in your previous comment:
this is where we feel, we'e not good enough, or he wouldn't go to the porn.....I'm supposed to be enough, he is for me.
THIS IS WHY MEN LIE ABOUT PORN. EXACTLY WHY. To spare the women from these feelings. And it's why I do not and will not see men lying to women about porn as a bad thing.
25 - zingzing
no disrespect here, none, but unless you have penis shaped fingers, or your husband has a finger sized and shaped penis, or you have a dildo that is very warm and pumps stuff out of it (the most likely possibilty), then porn equals not sex.
sex is better. porn/masturbation is just a substitute, and a lousy one at that.