Another year goes by. I start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. The doctors believe it is likely something in my body causing the problem. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.
One of my best friends becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a heinous person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.
The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem.
So here we are, almost three years into the process (because that’s exactly what it’s become – a process) with no results. I am on the cusp of having exploratory surgery to see if there is something being missed. Fertility treatments are not an option for us. Adoption would be wonderful… five years down the road after we can save up the $25,000+ that it would take.
It would be nice for this to have a happy ending like me writing in all bold letters “I’m pregnant!” I’m not. But, I can say that taking the time to explore the virtual tidal wave of emotions that I’ve gone through, and am still experiencing, has made them much easier to weather.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate. I urge every woman or couple out there to do the same. Talk to each other. Talk to someone else. Write a blog. Whatever you do, know you are not the only one, even if it feels just that way.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Eric Berlin
Very interesting and compelling story Kate -- really hope that pregnancy is in your near future !
2 - High Heels
You won't find this much consolation, I expect, but I'll say it anyway. I'm one of those women who could/can get pregnant "just like that". I also used to get extremely broody, and I understand that overwhelming drive to be pregnant; but I don't know a single other mother who doesn't agree with me when I say that when you have a child it is NOTHING like what you expect/imagine it to be.
There is a lot to be said for parenthood, but there is also a lot to be said for life in general, and for having freedom.
Having said that, I congratulate you on 2 things: one, for attending that baby shower at all - I'm not alone in having lost lovely friends temporarily due to unacknowledged bitterness of the type you describe. And two, for acknowledging and sharing your feelings. You ahve a lot of good qualities to share with others.
I wish you the very best of luck... but don't forget, you're absolutely NO LESS of a woman or a person, and have NO LESS of a life just because you have't been pregnant.
3 - Dennis
Do you not realize that the planet you live on is currently way overpopulated, with no sign of slowing down? Why are you trying to get pregnant in the first place? That's such a selfish concept.
Why don't you adopt a baby?
4 - John
My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, we don't use protection during sex and we have yet to get pregnant.
But we are of the mindset, if it happens it happens, if not who cares, there are plenty of other people having 3+ kids to make up for us not having any.
Besides, financially we are much more stable, we have a ton of freedom to enjoy our own lives and as we are both approaching 40 we tend to not want kids now since we're set in our ways.
Don't fret it, enjoy your lives. You weren't put here to "have babies", in reality there is no reason for life, we just are.
5 - Kate C. Harding
Thanks for all the feedback, guys. I'd like to address a couple of things directly.
Dennis - Yes, I very much do realized that. The fact that the planet is overpopulated does not make wanting to have a baby a selfish concept. However, I did mention specifically in my article that we were considering adoption but that it would take us several years to save the $25,000+ that it costs. We are currently in the process of saving.
More generally, I've been hearing that people think it is "crazy" to be "obsessed" with wanting to have a baby. I would not consider myself obsessed. I do think though, that it is always something I've wanted, whether I have a baby biologically or through adoption.
And last but not least, if I may continue to vent,the feelings of being useless or less of a woman were abundant for a brief time but were, I'm glad to slay, fleeting. I think if you speak to men who have been declared sterile many of them will say the same thing. You don't always feel that way. But I think for many of us, it's just important to acknowledge it.
Phew. There, said my peace.
Oh, and thanks Eric!
6 - Jeff
Kate - I feel for you. Even as a *man*, I have those guilty tinges about other people's fertility. Recently a newly married friend and profession colleague mentioned that she had stopped taking birth simply because she didn't like to take them and because her husband wanted kids even though she could live without them.
My twinge to her comment was due both to fact that I know she's underestimating the impact on her career and her life, and because the idea and probable ease of getting pregnant was so trivial to her. This in deep contrast to our 2 AI and 4 IVF - which all ultimately failed. Obviously it's her right to have children and to decide when, but no one who has gone through fertility problems will ever be free from feeling some hurt in these situations.
John - if you haven't gotten pregnant in 10 years without protection, you already have a serious fertility issue. My wife and I had the same situation. Early on it simply seemed conveniently lucky when we were not yet really wanting children . Despite having a strong biology background and having a sister who is a PhD in biology, we were without clue about this, despite growing up when *real* sex ed was still in public schools. The rule of thumb our fertility doctor gave was: if you haven't gotten pregnant within *6 months* of unprotected sex and are not avoiding fertile days in any way - alarm bells should be going off. Sadly it's already too late. Adoption was ok with me but my wife refuses.
I don't disagree with John's philosophy abstractly, however, evolution has created a hard-wired emotional need to procreate regardless of the rational logic of it in any given situation. For that reason people's very mental health can be affected by this subject.
7 - Meme
Hi there. You say you've tried everything under the sun. I used this mini microscope that looks somewhat like a tube of lipstick. I got it from Target for about $25.
I actually bought it as a form of birth control because I wasn't a good candidate for the pill...it did nasty things to me. Anyway, to use it, you just unscrew the eyepiece, put a dab of saliva on the back of the lens, let it dry, put the lens back on and look through the eyepiece. Simple.
If you are ovulating or near ovulating, the saliva crystalizes in a "fern" like pattern.
I discovered that I ovulate not once, but twice a month because of this thing. Who could have guessed?
You need to use it every day for about 30 days so that you have a clearer picture of your body's timing. I think it actually took me two months because of the weird extra ovulation that was throwing off my results.
Don't listen to all of the nay sayers here. I could be wrong, but I think that if just the idiots of the world have kids and the smart people have none it is Darwin's theory in reverse. Not good.
Keep in mind though, enjoy your time without kids (though from the sound of it, you already do). Once you have them, they are just yours...no one else's. You will be them mom, and you will not get a day off. Your life will never, ever be the same.
It's really wonderful, and my two are the most delightful people I've ever met, but to be honest, it is beyond exhausting. Getting pregnant is but 1/1000th of the journey.
8 - Faith
Am a 25 year old and bitterly married. My husband is very loving. Am bitter because like Kate we were together since 15. I know that pretty young. But it was love at first glance. We got married in 2006. My feelings for this man never changed.
Before marriage we were trying to have a baby but our efforts were futile. During and after marraige we tried and continue to try. I even had surgey which cost me $15,000.00, birth control pills, metformin, clomid 50mg, unitl i grew tired. Nothing seem to work.
I feel really hurt because my husband too is depress and talks about us having children and them (children) watching their daddy play football. I really hurts. I urge myself one day to purchse baby clothes (three vests and a socks) just to give me encouragement. Dat didn't go to well - I cried everytime i hold them.Sometimes I wish I was never born or married to him so that he could have chosen someone else who would be able to produce a child.
Depression has taken control of me that I stop talk to most of my friends. I think sometimes that I am going crazy.
I truly wish that something can be done. I am afarid to go to another doctor just to hear the same sad story. I dont want to be told that there is no way possible that I can have children.
I will never be happy if I dont have my kids. I am happy with my husband but every wife wants kids.
Kate am praying for us and everyone else who's going through the same problem.
9 - Rick Vassar
My wife and I had trouble having kids. Four years. two surgeries, three miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak.
After the third miscarriage, we were devastated. About six months later, we went back to the doctor and they told us to stop. My wife could get pregnant but she couldn't sustain it, they said. Don't put yourself through it
We said okay, but let's try it one more time, and let us call the shots. The doctor said no, but a midwife in his practice went to bat for us. We told them the course of action we wanted to take, and on the first try, she got pregnant, and that baby they told us we would never have- she turns 13 next month.
And... we wanted to have another child but were unable to get pregnant again. So we were led to China to adopt our youngest daughter, who just turned nine. If we had had a bunch of kids out of the chute, we would never have had our younger daughter.
So keep the faith, ladies
10 - Katie H
I have been trying to get pregnant for a year and it hasn't happened yet. I am so scared that I can't have kids. I want to be a mother so bad. Every time I hear of someone getting pregnant it makes me really upset. I feel like I must not deserve a baby because I am not getting pregnant. I am always depressed about it.
11 - Kate C. Harding
I think that it's good for people to express their feelings, but it certainly makes me sad to know how depressed some of you who have read this article seem to be. I know that I was on the edge of that feeling, but I also think that the biggest thing that has been important for me was to decide that there is a reason that I have yet to get pregnant.
Either I am not ready to be a mother. Or maybe a higher power (whichever one to which you subscribe) wants to nudge me towards adoption. Who knows? But...I do know that however it works out in the end, is how it was meant to be.
Positive thinking is the most important step.
12 - Crystal Greve
I have been trying to get pregnant for two years, I know how frustrating it can be and how depressed you are right now. I went and saw a gynecologist in September and had to go every month. He prescribed me chlomid 50,100, and then 150mg finally. I also had to go everymonth and do a blood test to see if I ovulated, that was my problem I could not ovulate. Every month it came back that I did not ovulate. Eventually he told me I had to go to a specialist, so they made me an appointment for May 24,2007. I went and the specialist did a physical exam, and it hurt so bad. I started crying and told my husband I don't want to go through all of this every month. The doctor came back in the room and said my uterus was really big and he wanted to do an ultra sound, Come to find out I was pregnant. I was actually 15 weeks pregnant. It was the most unbelievable moment in my life. The reason I'm telling you this is for you not to give up, It will happen, and when it does you won't be able to believe it, like me. My due date is November 21,2007. I thank the lord every night. That was my wish to get pregnant for over 2 years and finally it happened. I wish you all the luck in the world and don't give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13 - mirana
I am also in the trying but not expecting group, it is truly devastating to be asked everyday by strangers about why you have not yet chosen to have a baby and why your waiting so long, meanwhile you try to smile and act as though it is not your waking thought and deepest wish every moment of every day.
I am thinking of the rest of you and hope that someday soon we will all get our wish.
14 - Ellie
Hi Kate,
I came across this article while googling some fertility topics and I can TOTALLY relate to you.
I am 26 years old and suffered a miscarriage over a year ago and have been trying since with no luck. My doctor has sent me for ultrasounds and tells me everything is fine... but its stressful! I too feel almost resentment towards my friends that are pregnant, which in turn makes me feel terrible! My husband is always telling me not to stress out over it, but its sooo hard.
Anyhoo very open and honest article and it is comforting to read that other people are going through the same challenges.
Thanks,
Ellie
15 - Karli
I am so sorry to hear that. *big hugs* I just recently got married myself and I am 21 years old and trying to get pregnant.
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last 6 months and nothing has happened. I definitely feel a quenge of pain and frustration. There is a friend of mine who just recently got married herself and now she's pregnant. My cousin who is unfortunately a slut, now has two kids. (Who just recently got married after her second.)
I've been wanting to be a Mom forever. Dreamed of being a mother. Now my time is here. I'm worried my hypo thyroidism might be causing me problems. Hope not, but hey?!
Frantically going crazy this month I went by the local GNC store in our mall. . . seeing if they might have some fertility pills/vitamins for promoting pregnancy. They did! And I obviously bought them. Hehe.
I've heard A LOT of positive things coming from this blend of vitamins and a 35-50% chance of pregnancy. It's good for you and won't hurt to use it. It's worth a try right? I'm hoping that I have some positive results from it. Obviously. *smiles*
So, for every woman who is having problems getting pregnant. Check out this product online and see what you think. It's called, "Fertility Blend for women." They also have the same blend for men. Please check it out.
It would be such a pleasure knowing I helped out a couple to get pregnant. I know I hope I do. *fingers crossed* I'll be praying for you to get pregnant!
Lots of love to you and all the people who are trying to get pregnant!
*Karli*
16 - Karli
To make it easier for people. I found the link for the, Fertility Blend for women. Please humor me by checking it out.
Help it helps you guys! I bought mine from the GNC for 39.99. There is a 90 day supply and you take three pills a day.
Lots of love and goodluck!
17 - Robin Kavanagh
Hi Kate,
Just like many who've responded,I too have had fertility issues.
I'm 28 and became pregnant very easily when I was 19 and with my first husband. I had the baby, but I almost lost her in the first trimester because I wasn't producing enough progesterone. No one thought to tell me there might be a problem with my ovaries! So, the pregnancy was hell, but my daughter was born healthy.
Fast forward six years and I'm re-married and trying to conceive. My periods for the first time ever are all wonky and I'm going months between them. My ob/gyn thinks I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, where my ovaries are full of cysts and not producing the right hormones for anything. I go to a reproductive endochrinologist who confirms it and begins treating me, only to find that my husband has a low sperm count, low motility and very few that are shaped correctly. It looked like we would not get pregnant on our own.
So, we stopped trying because we didn't want to go through all of the fertility stuff (IVF, AI, etc). And then like a year later, you guessed it, I was pregnant. It totally threw me for a loop and flung a wrench in our plans, but things like this happen all the time. My parents didn't plan me.
I guess the moral of this little story is that you need to keep pushing to find out if something is physically wrong with you, not so much for getting pregnant, but for your own health. My PCOS caused me to gain weight, affected my liver function and cholestorol and insulin production. Had I not sought treatment, I could have done a lot of damage to my body. But on the other hand, it took 7 years for someone to say I might have a physical problem.
The other moral is that sometimes things happen unexpectedly. Last year, having a baby was the LAST thing on my mind. But now I have a 6-month-old baby girl who's great and it really is a blessing (although I don't believe in that stuff) because we won't be able to have any more kids. My hubby was diagnosed with cancer soon after I found out I was pregnant and with the chemo and radiation, we don't want to take the chance that the treatments damaged his sperm.
One last thing to consider, how about foster care? My mother-in-law took care of foster babies for 28 years, and believe me had her share of chances to adopt. It may be something to look into.
Best of luck!
18 - Lisa De Vita
I'm recently married and ttc for about 2 years. Meanwhile, it seems like eternity! I love kids and am a 4th grade teacher. I'm trying to stay positive, but age is a factor. We married later in life (I'm 37). Don't get me wrong-a very young and energetic one! However, the reality is-I'm going to be an older mom. Eveytime I get my cycle, I want to cry. Just recently tried the ovulation kit (this will be the 3rd month trying with it). Being hopeful and trying not to stress. I have no one to get my emotions out!
19 - Mari
I hope you will become a mother soon.You are not selfish in wanting this. After all, no-one tells people who had children easily that they were selfish for having them and are guilty of overpopulating the world, or that they should have adopted instead.
20 - Carissa
I understand just how you feel. When I was sitting here reading this I said to myself that is how I feel. My husband and I have been trying for over a year. I have been on clomid off and on for three months. I start 100 mg on friday. I really hope it works this time. I will be praying for you and me both. Good Luck!
21 - Kate C. Harding
Wow, I'm so thrilled at the amount of people who have commented on this article. I wasn't sure about writing it, but most certainly feel validated now.
For those of you who care, a bit of an update. I, too, have done the Clomid and HATED taking it. Hot flashes, nausea, loss of appetite, etc. Anyway, the highest dose had no effect for me, so now they are trying me on something new and I've started seeing a specialist.
But, I'm staying super posisitive. I've decided that it will happen when it happens!
Best to all of you.
22 - Karli
Try fertility blend for women. (www.fertilityblend.com) It helps to regulate your cycles, to ovulate, and to successfully help women to get pregnant.
It's proven that the Doctors either say, you are infertile and there is nothing for them to do, or they put you on prescriptions that do nothing, and/or you pay thousands to have countless exams! The product is cheap and easy to use. It's a vitamin formula.
Please check it out! I'm know trying it and have been using it for one month already. I have felt a difference with my moods and my cycles.
-Karli
23 - Irena
Dear all,
it's so comforting to know that we're not alone in this endless and heartbreaking battle of trying to have a baby on our own. And Kate, thanks for your honesty and effort to stay as positive as possible in such situation.
I am 29, my hubby is 35. We have been ttc for two years without any success (I have high prolactin levels and am on Parloder 2,5mg for already 7 months, which have regulated my cycle, but I was also told that I "might" be having PCOS;imagine the blow when we found out a year ago that my hubby has a very low sperm count, low motility and 91% abnormal sperm). I think I am over every possible phase of grievance, anger, depression, alienation, I decided to pull myself together, to let go and let God. I've got a gorgeous hubby and a loving marriage, and we are waiting for our first consultation for IVF/ICSI in September. I don't expect any miracle to happen until then, and I hope that if they admit us for IVF/ICSI everything will go ok. But even if it doesn't, as you said, I believe that this hell will eventually have its resolution and closure.
I pray for you all, don't give up, just let go and let God!
Love you all!
24 - Lisa
I am in the exact situation as no.10. I thought i was the only one untill i found this website.I am too embarrased to go to my doctor about this because like everyone else i hear about everyone else getting pregnant 1st time .Its not a nice thing to go through alone. my husband works away from home quite often and we have just been married 1 month ago , i am 19 years old and everyone thinks i am too young to have a baby! but when you know the time is right its time to follow your heart not your head!!!
25 - Susan
I am actually 44 today, and another negative test. I am so depressed over this birthday, I know my age keeps ganging up on me. Kate, I am in the same boat as you, we cannot even try IVF, my husband has been working temp jobs, life just seems over, I feel like god has totally abandoned me and I am starting to wonder if he is even there. We have been through so much with just three years of marriage. I miscarried about three months after we got married. I don't know why life is so unfair to me. I have considered adoption but husband does not seem to interested and then the money situation is there. Besides, I want to feel a life inside me. I don't know why I can't get pregnant, they cannot do too many tests because our insurance does not cover anything? I have gotten around it a little with my own insurance I pay for, not much about $500 only. The only thing I find out is that my 3 day number is really good for someone my age, I apparently do ovulate, I see so many signs but still nothing. It is not only the baby thing, I cannot get a teaching job, I am stuck in a call center job, my husband keeps being black balled. I am in so much despair, I might even consider suicide, but I am too much of a coward. I am so depressed, I cannot live my life. I even thought maybe that is what god wanted for me to live my life first, but I keep trying that too but I am getting no where! I am starting to think there is a curse or black magic being used against me. I don't know why god has abandonned me and why my birthday has to be so miserable!