Getting pregnant can be a chore and an emotional roller-coaster. Here is one woman's journey.
If you are a woman who has spent your life imagining what it would be like to have a child, then you know how exciting it is when you finally decide that you are ready to make that leap. You are finally prepared to put yourself second. You are willing to make a child the number one priority in life. You are ready to get pregnant.…
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— go to most recent comments26 - Susan
Since no one has even bothered to comment yet. I don't know maybe I am not worthy of that either. I just wanted to add that what makes it even harder is that I have been on natural progesterone for about three months now, I have been tracking ovulation and scheduling intercourse around it, I have tried Fertility Blend. I have tried everything I can afford. I just don't get it. I just get older and older. if I cannot get pregnant, then I don't want to go on living. I just can't believe god can be that cruel, I keep thinking that I just have to have faith, but now at 44 my faith is going again, I have said the rosary everyday, I have prayed and prayed, I keep getting all kinds of signals, even horoscopes that I don't even look to find, they come to me, my husband loves to read them. They all say you will get what you have thought was impossible. I did not have the money for the initial progesterone, but somehow it came to me. I don't understand why these signs keep coming, but then negative all the time. I am alive and happy as long as I think I am pregnant, but once my cycle rolls around I cannot even breathe. The other thing is being on this prosterone, although it does seem to increase my luteal phase, it is causing me not to get periods, and makes me really sick to my stomach, and crampy, and makes me boobs larger and sensitive, man, how much can a person take??? They say god never gives you more than you can handle, I really cannot handle this.... Please need your thoughts today!
27 - Christopher Rose
Susan, I wish you well on your birthday and in your quest to conceive. I can't really offer any profound words of wisdom but I'd put more faith in your doctors than your god or horoscopes.
28 - Kate C. Harding
Well, I'm still thrilled to see so many readers and comments to this article. Most certainly makes it worth writing...
I'm sorry to hear so many of you out there are having the same troubles.
As an update, we are now seeing a specialist at UNC, which has been a good thing, and am on new meds, new plans, and still nothing.
I still believe the most important thing is staying positive.
Susan, have you and your husband considered fostering. If you are unable to adopt because of cost, perhaps fostering a needy child might be an option. You can also often foster to adopt. I highly recommend checking out a few websites for these programs in your state.
29 - Susan
Kate,Unfortunately my husband is dead set against either fostering or adopting. And I hope you aren't suggesting that because of my age. My mom had children later in life, so I would think I could . I just wish there were more financial help out there for those of us that cannot afford treatment. I wish you the best and hope somehow someway we both can have children.
30 - Nelly623
Hi Kate Thanx for posting this article,it's feels good that Im not the only one. Im 20 years old. Im not married, but I do have a boyfriend. As far as I can remember my periods have always been abnormal. I first got my period in 97'I was a very young teen. Im the only girl in my family. I'm not trying to conceive at the moment, because Im still doing things to better my future. It's just Im so scared that I might not be able to have children. As a little girl, us women dream of one day having a husband and having a family. My periods are very strange. I remember not having my period for about a year once. And then had my period twice a year after that. An in that same year my period was almost a month long. Im bein honest I never saw a gyno. because I didnt want to get checked because I was a virgin and didnt want the "doctor" to use some sort of equipment. My question is have you ladies ever experience something like this?
31 - LuLu716
I just want to say how confused I am at some of these post...my goodness, most of you are sooooo young. To say your in your 20's & can't get pregnant is amazing. We went through 8 years of infertility & after several failed IVF attempts, we got pregnant & I deliverd my 1st baby at 38 years of age. I'm now 41 & just finished another
failed IVF cycle & my husband said we are finished. I pray for another miracle but know in my heart we're finished trying. So, for those
of you so young, be patient, God has a plan & there is so much technology out there. Don't give up hope. I wish so bad that I could have another, but I'm 41...I wish insurance did cover IVF...I would do it again tomorrow. I hurt so bad knowing I can't have another baby...it is tearing
me up inside. I don't know "anyone" that has gone through so much pain. I do feel blessed having my son, but want so much to have a brother or sister for him...however, I guess it's just not in God's plan for us. After a few miscarriages, failed IVF attempts, failed adoptions etc., I guess I need to smile & thank God I have at least 1 healthy little boy. I just PRAY so hard for another miracle.
32 - Nate B
My wife and I have only been married for a year, and we've been trying since the wedding night. Still no luck. She gets very upset when any of our relatives or friends get pregnant, especially the ones who got pregnant on accident, which a large amount of them are. Her cousin in particular works with several people who are pregnant, and tells her all the time. She is a mother of 2 the youngest of which was born in June. I'm glad to see that she's not the only one who gets upset about it.
Good luck to you Kate and to everyone else who is having trouble conceiving.
33 - Giselle
Good luck to everyone! I have been trying to concieve for 8 eight months. no luck. It is depressing but I am (STAYING)positive. I finally called the doctor today and have an appointment this coming Friday.
34 - Maria
I know what its like to want a baby. I am very lucky in the respect that i have a good career, a nice home, a wonderfull fiance - we are getting married next year.
But i feel as though my life is on hold while we are trying for a baby!
Me and my partner have been trying for a baby for 2 years...
I have a huge amount of guilt hanging over me constantly, because when i was 17 i had a pregnancy terminated.
I ask myself the question over & over again.. how could i of been so stupid. And how can i now claim to want a child so much, when i had the chance to be a mum already.
I blame myself for not getting pregnant, i dont deserve it.
Since having an abortion my periods became irregular. Today i have a period every 10-11 weeks.
I went to the doctors about this, and i was told im too youg to have a baby and was sent on my way.
Friends & Family dont understand my guilt and my need to have my own family..
I wish there was a magic cure.
35 - Ashley
Hi everyone!
My husband and I have been trying to conceive since we got married in April of last year. It has been hard for me to deal with the infertility. We haven't really started any treatments or anything, because I do believe that God is the only one that can make the miracle of life happen. I have been to the gyno several times, he says that everything looks fine and I finally agreed to start taking progesterone...I think that is how you spell it anyway. :) I know that I could do more to up my chances of getting pregnant, like taking fertility drugs or stronger hormones. I want to have a baby but I feel like I would be rushing God to take the next step in fertility treatments. I am not saying that it is wrong, I just feel that it is not right for me. Anyway, reading all the comments I feel bad because there are so many people that have problems, I pray that you all have a baby soon or find one to adopt. I know adoption is expensive, but if you can find someone that wants to give their child up for adoption that hasn't went to an adoption agency yet you might be able to work something out there. One of my friends did that and I don't know all the specifics but I think they only paid the biological mom $1000 and they paid for the lawyer and the court fee or something. I'll have to ask her and I will try to post the details here later, if anyone is interested. Anyway, I know that it hurts to go through seeing other people have babies and trust me I still have problems with dealing with it everyday. I'm not going to say all the normal stuff that we hear "Just relax" "When God wants you to have a baby you will have one." That one is the worst one's that I ever heard...mainly because I was stupid enough to believe it for a while and all that did was make me angry with God. I will say that I wish you all the best, keep trying (and try to enjoy it even after it becomes a chore), try to stay positive I know that is a struggle in itself. Do get checked out by the doctor if you haven't already, there could be something really wrong that has nothing to do with baby making but is hindering that ability as well. Take care of yourself, seek counseling if you need to (I am), talk to your family (even the ones that can get pregnant at the drop of a hat) tell someone how you feel even if it someone on the internet who has went through a similar experience. There is nothing to be ashamed of! I hope nobody takes me as being bossy, I really want to help not hinder. I do wish everyone the best and I hope that we are all Mommys or/and Daddys soon! (Even if it does have to be to a slightly fuzzy baby that needs a collar...they are kids too after all!)
Good Luck!
36 - Charm
Hi Kate!
Just wanted to encourage you and your husband to hang in there. My best friend and her husband circumstances are very similar to yours. I was googling the internet for advice on how to tell someone your pregnant when that same someone has been trying for years, and a link to your blog came up.
Please ignore the ignorant comments claiming you're selfish or that you're obsessed. Obsession is an unhealthy pursuit of something or someone. There's NOTHING unhealthy or selfish at all about pursuing YOUR hard-wired desire to reproduce.
Another one of our purposes here is to be available to help others...such as, helping them get on their feet, get out of a temporary hole, etc.
KEEP AT IT GIRL and don't get discouraged!
37 - Charm
Hey ASHLEY (Post #35 â€" September 29, 2007 @ 13:50PM):
I'm also a Christ-follower and wanted to encourage you too. Don't feel like you're rushing God. Have you considered that it's a blessing that you're ABLE to partake in fertility programs. They are very costly and not a lot of people can afford them.
Also, be prepared for a backlash from your post, because when you mention the name of God...all the demons start to scream!!!!
Be Blessed!
38 - Maria
Hello,
I am so glad I found this Web site. My husband and I have tried to have a baby for about three years now. I am seeing a fertility doctor. After months of tests, I had surgery this year to remove a wall in my uterus to increase my chances of conceiving. Still no luck and it is really getting me down. ( am 37.) Everyone around me is getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. A friend at work just told me she is pregnant (it didn't take long) and I feel so resentful. How do I let her talk to me about being pregnant without feeling bitter? Any suggestions?
39 - chloe
you just made me feel sad and made me more aware (not that i needed to feel any worse about my self than i do) that a family of my own blood might not happen for me. thankyou for your insight but i have been trying for three and a half years with no joy. i was looking for advice. i have had enough reality checks over the years without you telling me that its proably not going to happen for me. I SUGGEST THIS SITE IS DELETED AND VOID. YOU ARE NOT HELPING
40 - chloe
Thankyou for your time. but, you just made me feel sad and made me more aware (not that i needed to feel any worse about my self than i do) that a family of my own blood might not happen for me. thankyou for your insight but i have been trying for three and a half years with no joy. i was looking for advice. i have had enough reality checks over the years without you telling me that its proably not going to happen for me. i suggest hat yhis site is deleted and void. u are not helping
41 - Kate C. Harding
Wow...I'm very pleased to see this article still getting so many responses. I think the title very accurately said it...that none of us who continue to try are alone.
I won't address you all individually as that would take forever and would probably be superfluous. However, I'd love to give an update.
My husband and I like our new fertility specialist quite a lot. Because we had no success with Clomid, he suggested trying another drug. I'm ashamed to say I don't remember the name of it, but if you want to ask your own physician about it, it is typically used as a non-fertility drug for women who have had breast cancer. We personally had no luck with that drug, but I wasn't expecting much.
We have another appointment next week to begin discussing the ins and outs of IVF and figure out exactly what it will all entail and (yikes) cost.
I still have my cruddy days, but for the most part I continue to remind myself that what will be will be and that if it all doesn't work out, adoption is most certainly always a wonderful option. Expensive yes, but also a great chance to make a difference.
I would like to personally address Chloe. Like you, I am 3.5 years into trying to conceive and have gotten back over 35 negative pregnancy tests. I am very sorry that my article made you sad. However, I would like to point out that the title of the article was "You are Not Alone," and not anything promising suggestions or help. The whole point of this article was to remind people that they are not the only ones out there having this problem. I chose to write it because I, myself, was feeling very alone. The sheer number of comments left here has been welcomed and affirming.
Also, I feel it important to say that I truely do not believe that my article in any way suggests that "it is probably not going to happen" for you. I would never dain to say such a thing, or even assume it. Everyone's body is different and there are so very many success stories out there. I sincerely hope you will be one of them.
Thank you again to all for your comments, concerns, and most importantly - support.
42 - lisa
hi i am 26 been trying dor 10 years or longer its always been dream of mine to have babues and family. i have not went to speacail doctors cause no insurance or alot of money ,my family doctor says nothing wrong. i am a diabitc . my boyfriend or husband what ever u want call him has been hurt before , but might have a 19 year old not sure no dna prove it. but he kept from me he was hurt there till after we married . they said he may or maynot be able to have kids, and that hurts me alot . i feel i will never have chance find out cause with him and no one else , i don't know weather him or me . his brother has had 2 since we been together his neices that don't take care of theirs and my cousins had some it hurts alot i feel like alot of you guys. i have not alot money either .
43 - Ashley
Lisa #42
I work at a hospital and I know that we have a lot of patients that come in that visit our local health departments for their gynecologist check ups, they may have a program that assists in fertility. Also, try for medicaid as well. That is ran by the state, I know that they offer maternity care for people that are pregnant but certain states may offer fertility programs. I'm not sure. But at least try for medicaid if nothing else but for your general health. At least you will be able to see doctors when you need to with no cost to you if you are eligible. Good luck!
Also CHARM #37...
Thank you for the encouragement...I know that I am blessed to be able to take part in fertility programs, I thank God everyday that I have that option. Also, nobody has screamed too loud...I hope that God blesses the one's that do. :o)
44 - Andrea
Hello, first of all I wish you luck. My husband and I have been trying only for a few months and at first I was discouraged after the first two months because like you the women in my family are baby making machines. I know I haven't been trying as long as you, but I found a way of making the situation better for myself mentally and physically. It's sort of a silly philosophy, but instead of focussing on getting pregnant I've been focussing on doing positive things for other people. Charity work here and there, helping elderly... and so on. I'm a big believer in Karma, so who knows, maybe if I do enough good, good will come back. Not only does the Karma factor take place, but doing good for others makes you feel good, which relieves stress, which thus helps with getting pregnant. Not saying you don't do good for others already or that you're stressed. I was just putting that out on the table because it seems to be helping me with my health as well as relieving some of the pressure off my husband. Also feeling good about yourself really helps with the sex life. I know. Crazy advise, but there it is. :)Good luck on your quest!
45 - sheena
i kno somewhat of what your going through. Me and my boyfriend have been trying to concieve for about a year and yet no luck. What hurts the most is i know it is all me cause he already has a beautiful baby boy. I feel the depression and hatered towards my friends who just magically get pregnant and are like wow i didn't even want this. Hello thanks for bring that up i do and then i feel bad. I have always wanted that feeling of having this little baby who is a part of me that i can teach things to and love and they love me unconditionally. I know what your thinking but you have your boy friends baby well yes i love him dearly but its different its not mine i did not experience carrying him in my belly. I don't want to be a mother to him he has one im his loving STEp mother and that is all i will ever be. I just feel like a dissappointment to the female race and to myself. Each month mhy lovely friend comes along and shatters my dreams. Now i have to start my process. I have to go this weekend to book an appointment to see a fertility specialists. the journey now begins for me now :(
46 - Austin
I am 20 years old and my husband and I have been trying to conceive since we first started dating (little over 3 years ago). And like many women… with no luck. The women in my family are baby making machines so it is hard for me at times not to ask “WHY ME?”. When my sister became pregnant with her second child that she didn’t really want it angered me so much. Here I am trying so hard to become pregnant, and she is and doesn’t even want it. My family tells me all the time “It will happen, when it happens.” And I know that, I mean I am not stupid. And one of the things that is hardest on me, is we as people were born to breed that is just how it works and since for some reason my body doesn’t want to partake in that is just aggravating. I have always wanted children, when I went to school and they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said I wanted to be a mom. I have been on so many cycles of clomid and it did nothing, except make me sick. I have had tons of tests and “nothing” is wrong with me. And my poor husband just sits there on the couch waiting for me to come out of the bathroom with the good news. And when I don’t I feel like I have let him down. I mean if I can’t have his children am I still a good wife, or will he still love me, will he regret marring me. All of that on top of my own stress and people constantly asking so are you pregnant yet, is enough to drive anyone crazy or make them feel that it will never happen. Maybe one day I will become pregnant, and all that I went through will be well worth it, that’s the finish line I can’t wait to cross. To all women and couples hang in there, don’t through in the towel cause the round aint over yet. Wow it feels good to vent!!!
47 - Kimberly
I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 6 years and no luck yet. Been to the doctors and they say I am perfectly fine and so is my husband. I have been taking clomid for awhile and its not working either. I really want kids and nothing is working for me. I feel like it will never happen and it keeps me drepessed.
48 - Quyen
Wow I am so amazed at the gamut of feelings that people have. My husband and I have been trying for over a year now. I was diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year and am going for my third round of Clomid hoping that I'll actually ovulate. Like many of you I've gone through the range of emotions, and all the stages of grief month after month. Most days I can't say that I'm happy. But I think that's okay, I think God understands that and I think he can handle me being mad at Him for a while. We've also started looking at other options, painful as it is to think about not being able to feel life grow inside my own body. And I'm sorry for everyone that has to go through this, but just know that God is good, even when he doesn't seem to do what we think he should.
49 - Irishgirl
I found this page not because I'm having trouble getting pregnant, but because my sister is. She's 3.5 years younger than me and has been trying for nearly 3 years with no success. She's been on several meds that have caused a plethora of physical and emotional disruptions to her life. Today she emailed me and asked for advice. Another of her friends is pregnant. She is angry...and feels guilty. What do I tell her? How do I comfort her?
Furthermore, my husband and I have started to discuss having children. Although I was one of those, got pregnant the first time no precautions were used, I was much too young and gave my child up to a lovely couple who couldn't conceive. Now that I'm older (early 30's), due to another medical issue, the doc's say I may have difficulty conceiving. I'm torn. I don't want to wait too much longer to start trying in case I have trouble conceiving, but I want to be sensitive to my sister. What to I say to her...what do I do to help her cope.
Any suggestions to those of us on the other side of the fence?
50 - claire
I got married in 2000 at the age of 26.....i got pregnant 2 years after after 3 months of trying.......my daughter now is 5 nearly 6 and ive been trying to get pregnany once again for a brother or sister for my daughter and its not happening and its been enarly 2 years im 33 now.I understand how you all feel the frustration,guilt,and the constent hope each month.....but its better to live life with the attitude of "if its meant to be it will happen"Things happen for a reason and i think thats so true
Good luckxxxx
51 - Jeanina
Hello everyone, I am 32 and my husband and I had difficulty trying to get me pregant for over 2 years now. I only finally became pregnant after taking Vitex capsules. This is the best list of vitamin and supplements to take to normalize your hormonal imbalance and get pregnant, it also eliminates or reduces acne which I also had until I started taking these supplements. I use Nature's Way Vitex capsules and take 1 pill twice a day. I am on liquid False unicorn root at 28 drops in water 3 times a day. I take 1 cayenne capsule 3 times a day with each meal. I take one B-Complex caplet which also contains 400 mcg a day. I also take 1 organic flax seed oil mix capsule twice a day. In addition to that I take 1 500 mcg vitamin C capsule too including 1 kelp capsule only once a day too. You can take fish oil pills instead of flax oil but that is your choice in gaining the necessary omega 3 nutrients. You need omega 3 for proper and advanced brain development. Please note that Vitex should be taken until you become pregnant and should be taken until the second trimester, meaning 6 months of pregnancy. Vitex keeps your estrogen and progesterone levels balanced but must be stopped at 6 months of pregnancy otherwise it could reduce your lactation ability. False unicorn root in meant to tone the uterus and prevent miscarriage as well but should be stopped at 3 months of pregnancy give or take. So in other words take Vitex until you finally become pregnant and stop at approximately 6 months of pregnancy. Take False unicorn root daily until you finally get pregnant and stop at approximately 3 months pregnant. You can take the one B-complex, one vitamin C, one Kelp to stabilize thyroid hormone function, cayenne capsules, and omega 3 capsule safely during the entire pregnancy. The B-complex is in line with a prenatal, so you can substitute the prenatal for a B complex pill if you like, but I prefer the B-Complex. I specifically take Costco's Kirkland brand B-50 caplets. In the last month of pregnancy you should start drinking red raspberry leaf tea or taking it in capsule form this helps with ease of delivery. There is a supplement available on the market to prevent or ease miscarriage as it is happening called Dr.Christopher's False Unicorn Root and Lobelia capsules. Some bleeding is normal during miscarriage as I have been through one. I am not a doctor or licensed herbalist. I study about herbs and internal health on my own behalf. Regular doctors trained in Western Medicine will not tell you of other options. They will only put you on birth control pills or Clomid to regulate your hormones. I have been through that too. Read and do your own research. Learn how to use search words properly. I have listed tons of information here already for free that took me many months and dollars to acquire. I am a college graduate and waited to get married and attempt to have children. That is what I recommend. What you do to youself and your potential offspring is your choice, but the more educated you are, the better you can provide for your children's future. There are alternatives out there. They are inexpensive and the fertility and medical industry don't profit from telling you about any of them. Read from doctors like Julian Whitaker, Gary Null, Dr. John Robert Christopher, Dr. Mark Stengler, and Dr. David G.Williams just to name a few. For example there are many used books on sale from Amazon.com and ebay with those doctors names in the title as authors. Read and learn about how to care for your body and don't just accept the status quo. As for you extremely young adults at 16, 18, and so on posting here who can barely type or use proper English grammar: what is wrong with you? Get some education and learn how to help yourself. I am writing this much information to help the few who are literate enough to read and understand what I am talking about. Don't breed more ignorant, McDonald's happy meal addicted and high fructose corn syrup soda sucking diabetes babies for the future. The planet just can't take any more ignorant people overpopulating it and destroying its water, forests, and few remaining natural resources. Good luck and best wishes to you all.
52 - amber alone
wow i feel not alone. I lived the whole fairy tale scenario. Meet my handsome husband in highschool after 10yrs we married bought the house new car.I had the luxery of staying home.We talked children all the time and after 12yrs of trying to conceive together we finally had a beautiful daughter.only for us to fall apart 6months later i left him anyways i think i finally found my soul mate. I was on birthcontrol for the last 6yrs and have stopped everythign in my cycle is right on track. We have been trying of the last 6months and i have been very saddened when af comes becasue i think its unfair.
53 - bj
I have a question. I am 41 and I was wondering what my chances are of conceiving. I had two healty, beautiful daughters when I was 20 and 22, of course, both unplanned. Unfortunatly, I also had a jerk for a husband that finally ended after 10 years of misery. Now I have a wonderful husband that has been an amazing father to my daughters, and after 8 years of marriage, we still feel we have alot of love to give. I have started checking my bbt and leutinizing hormone indicators, but according to them, I only had about a 9 hour window before ovulation. My period is regular, and I have no prior history of infertility. Our method of birth control was vasectomy (now been reversed). So I haven't used birth control since my teens. Any related stories or advice are much appreciated.
BJ
54 - Sally
All the while I thought that I am alone. I have been married for 4 years and trying for baby but no luck. I have a cyst and my gyne suspect it is a PCOS, other gyne suspect it is a endometreosis. So no gyne can tell me what are they. Some gyne suggest me to operate and remove it but some gyne say dont bother to remove it because it will come back.
I have gone thru all the medical check, western or traditional even fung shui and it really hurt to know that all the effort you did and yet still fail to conceive. I took all the advice, take supplement, go for accupunture or reflexology treatment, go for clomid, blood test and hsg. The only thing i didnt do is IVF which is too expensive and i heard is very painful.
I really feel like giving up but every time hear someone around u get pregnant you will feel very very sad. Even more angry when seeing ppl go for abortion or dump the baby in the dustbin. Why God give the baby to those who dont want it and dont give it to those who really want it?
I am 30 this year. If I still cant conceived till 35, i have to give up :(
My only wish is to have 1 healthy baby. That's all I ask.
55 - Kym
I have sat here for the past hour reading all of this. Katie you are a brave woman. I wish the best of luck for you and everyoone else. My husband and i have been trying also for the past three years. We have tryed everything you can think of. Spent thousands of dollars and still no luck. I will keep trying until i cant do it no longer. Its a good thing that my husband and i love being together, it makes it easier. SO TO SAY. Bless all of you
56 - Jenny
Kate -
I hope you're pregnant. I really enjoyed reading your article. I feel exactly the same. I am so utterly frustrated. It just doesn't make any sense ... I'm 29 and totally healthy. And every month brings new hope and then devastating disappointment. I've never failed at anything and this one thing -- that it seems just about everyone else can do without effort -- I cannot do. It makes me angry and sad and ... disappointed. I don't know how you stay positive about this.
Thanks for your article.
Jenny
57 - Louise
I am like # 49-- I have 3 beautiful children and never had any problems getting pregnant. I am truly sorry to all of you who have. One of my dear friends who is 29, well educated, has a wonderful loving husband all of the support systems wanted or needed can not get pregnant. She has been trying for a year and is very frustrated and experiencing all of the feelings that have been so beautifully expressed on this blog. I just do not know what to say to her to help her. I so badly do not what to say something wrong that will hurt her more than she is already hurting. What are some of the things that have been said to you that have actually helped you? Is there anything that I can do as a friend to help her not get so discouraged? Please send back constructive comments!
58 - Bex
Kate
Firstly, thankyou, for managing to explain the way i am feeling, today, everyday, every month, everytime my monthly comes around.
about 18 months ago, my best friend had a termination. She says it was the right thing to do for the feotus, she was living with her mom, her partner had just left her, she was depressed. I was there for her during termination, i even joined her at the clinic knowing that she was killing the one thing i craved the most.
Present day. She is now 7 months pregnant. I have been torn between anger, sympathy, guilt and depression. But i still love her dearly, and her little boy will be my godson.
I have always had problems with my periods. I have been with my partner 1 year, and nothing.
Maybe its god's way of saying this isnt the right time for me, but oh my god i hurt!
So, in short kate, keep your chin up, Maybe this was meant to be, We are not alone, no matter how lonely you feel.
and Dennis, who post's at the top - no 3 - i wish to god i never meet you. what a callous and insenstive thing to say.
Bex x - Banbury, UK
59 - Bex
Kate
Firstly, thankyou, for managing to explain the way i am feeling, today, everyday, every month, everytime my monthly comes around.
about 18 months ago, my best friend had a termination. She says it was the right thing to do for the feotus, she was living with her mom, her partner had just left her, she was depressed. I was there for her during termination, i even joined her at the clinic knowing that she was killing the one thing i craved the most.
Present day. She is now 7 months pregnant. I have been torn between anger, sympathy, guilt and depression. But i still love her dearly, and her little boy will be my godson.
I have always had problems with my periods. I have been with my partner 1 year, and nothing.
Maybe its god's way of saying this isnt the right time for me, but oh my god i hurt!
So, in short kate, keep your chin up, Maybe this was meant to be, We are not alone, no matter how lonely you feel.
and Dennis, who post's at the top - no 3 - i wish to god i never meet you. what a callous and insenstive thing to say.
Bex x - Banbury, UK
60 - Caz, UK
Hi everyone
I am 27 and have been trying to conceive for over two years, and have been together for 3 and half years. Over the past year I have been attending a fertility clinic for over a year but have not been given any fertility drugs as yet as we have to be trying for 3 years first and that won't be until May 2008 then I will be given Clomid. The Doctor has put our problem down to "Unexplained Fertility" as all tests I have had are normal and so are my partners. I feel really frustrated and anxious - if there's nothing wrong then why isn't it happening? I have started taking Vitex capsules and my partner has started taking zinc as I have heard they help (hope they do!)
Each month, each cycle I cry and get really depressed. It's like a vicious circle - if I fail to conceive I get depressed and stressed and if I am depressed and stressed it can affect my chances.
My sister-in-law is pregnant also and I find it really hard seeing her. To add to the situation she was a lesbian last year, not that there's nothing wrong with that but I just find it's hard to accept that someone who was gay is now pregnant, just find it really frustrating (and don't get me wrong I am jealous - wish it was me!!) Don't know how I'll feel when the baby is born - hope I'm ok; it's going to be hard!!
I try to do things to keep my mind off things but something always comes back to pregnancy. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. Thanks everyone for your comments I find it helps to read this page when your feeling down to realise other people are going through what you are. And GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL xxx
61 - Stephanie
I have read all of the comments on this article and it makes me feel relieved that I am not the only one who feels this way. I have never had a regular cycle, I didn't get my first period until I was 17, my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I were having sex before I had my first period. I was well developed in all areas, my mother thought I had started because I was too embarrassed to tell her otherwise.
After I started my period, I decided to go to the local Planned Parenthood (I didn't want my parents to find out that I was having sex) to get put on Ortho TriCyclen. I was on birth control for over 2 years and my periods were still never regular. I had annual pap smears that came back okay, so I just assumed that it was normal for me to have irregular periods.
In 2003, I decided to quit taking birth control and if I were to get pregnant, then it must have been meant to be. Then, all of my friends started getting married, having babies, and I started to get the itch as well, but I knew that it was going to be difficult once we really started ttc. Once I stopped taking the birth control, I didn't have a period until 2 months after we got married. This was basically 3 years. I did go to my ObGyn and again all of my tests came back normal. I just dont ovulate like I should. We were married in July 2006 and have really started wanting a child. We have 2 cats and a dog, which are like children (but not the same of course). My first period in 3 years happened in September.
Here it is December 2007, and still no child. I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on January 18th. I am keeping my fingers crossed. This is the story that leads me up to this story.
In July, my family found out that my sister in law was now pregnant. Now, this is not a person who should even entertain the idea. She divorced her husband because she "fell in love with an 18 year old" (she is 31). He has no job, he lives with his mother in government housing, and to make matters worse, she was in jail last year for 4 months for stealing from Walmart where she worked. She has stolen from my husband and me. She cannot work anywhere that has access to money, and of course, she is a kleptomaniac. We have determined that she has a split personality because she doesn't remember when she steals, lies, etc. or so she says. Anyway, my lithium injesting sister in law has told us all that she is pregnant, due February 13 (my birthday)
Okay, at first, I was excited. Another niece or nephew! I can't wait! If you need a baby sitter, I'm your gal!
Now, here it is December, and the girl doesn't look any different than she did in July.
She brought a cd with the 3D ultrasounds to my house to show me "jacob Lane's" first baby pictures. To my suprise, they didn't look like any ultrasounds I had seen before. I thought they always put dates, the mothers name, etc on the top of the pictures. These looked like they had been cropped on photoshop.
I was talking to a coworker who is also pregnant about this situation and she seemed kind of concerned. Because my sister in law was also using the same ObGyn as my coworker. My coworker had just had ultrasounds and she had the black and white polaroid-like pictures. Come to find out, that hospital doesn't have access to 3d ultrasounds, so there's a lie right there. Now here we are, just 2 months to go during her "pregnancy", and now, she has gotten food stamps, Wic and a month government check.
Last week she mentioned to me that she was going to try to find a place that conducted 3rd trimentser abortions because now that her and her boufriend weren't together, she didnm't want the baby. I immediately felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach.
Here I am wanting a baby so bad, and here's someone who is probably lying about being pregnant, and also wanting to abort an almost full term baby.
Does anyone have any psychological reasoning for why she is pretending to be pregnant? I just don't understand it.
62 - Caz, UK
Hi Stephanie
As mentioned previously my sister-in-law is pregnant and she to will be a single mum, she was contemplating a termination, we all had a chat to her about it as I had an abortion when I was 19 the same age as her as I was in the same situation, on my own and would have been a single mum still at home with my parents, don't get me wrong in some ways I do regret it now. Anyway when my sis-in-law was asked why she would want a termination she said because she was young and on her own and still hadn't really "lived her life" (like going on hols with girls, etc) quite sensible really then when asked why she didn't want one she just replied "cos I don't" and gave a little giggle. Some people are still immature when they get pregnant and she is one of these - she'll tell you she just wants the attention and the fuss that's why she's having a baby. Pretty frustrating really - and maybe that's what your sis-in-law wants.Her friend has just found out she's pregnant and she doesn't like it one bit - she said she did it on purpose (well people normally do don't they)- it's because she won't have all the attention.
I'm like you though - now I'm 27 and in a good relationship and looking forward to getting married in 2009 and I can't wait to start my own family. Maybe one day it'll happen.
Caz (UK)xx
63 - Linn
Hi all!
I am as many of you in the same situation. Relatives and friends easily get pregnant and here I am 2.5 years later with nothing but a deep hole in my heart. Thank you for your article kate. It gave me some hope that perhaps me too will figure this bitterness out one day.
Keep us updated! xx
Linn
64 - Tami
Thank you for your article, Kate. You have the perfect mix of eloquence and personality in your writing style.
I'm 29, healthy and married to a wonderful man in his late 30's. We've been married for five years and trying to conceive for 14 months with small and painful results. I am surrounded by friends and family who are either currently pregnant, just had their baby, or "finally" done having kids.
My husband and I just had a good chat this morning about my sense of anger and my difficulty just "getting over it". He tells me, "There is no 'getting over it' and it's okay to feel angry - it's better than feeling depressed. At least when you're angry, you're still fighting."
My greatest difficulty is masking the anger when in the company of others in order to extend social grace. What a wrestling match this whole thing is!
To address Irishgirl (#49) and Louise (#57) in their quest to say the right thing: There is no right thing to say. We're all just women being pushed around by hormones trying to make the right choices in how we respond to Life. "Right" is a matter of your subject’s perspective.
I'm facing a younger sister who has three beautiful kids and is pregnant with the fourth - her husband chuckled when we informed them we were "trying" to get pregnant. He said, "Who has to _try_?" It was such a ridiculous concept to him and it made me laugh back then, too. But it replays in my mind â€" and 14 months of replay is a little too much. Soon I will have to smile and congratulate them on their new pregnancy. I want to be happy for them like nothing else. But the sense of happiness is not within me to share. I only have the choice of _saying_ I’m happy for them. There’s a big difference there that I’m not proud of, but am very aware of.
That difference may be something you want to address (depends on the hurting person) â€" it can help “clear the air” and allow the pregnant party to feel more relaxed about the situation. They can’t put the happiness back into their friend’s heart, but they can provide comfort by not taking the lack of happiness personally.
Try to work in a positive angle to your conversations that shows your sister/friend that you’re pulling for them â€" you’re on their side.
Here are some Do’s:
- If you two are women of faith, confirm the fact that you’re praying for your sister/friend and don’t just leave it by saying it once - confirm it when you run into them next week, too. People of faith are encouraged by other people of faith.
- One positive phrase a week (don’t barrage them with a book of goodness in one sitting). “I came across an article the other day about how to decorate a nursery. I’m looking forward to the day you ask me to help you with yours.” Even offering to bring the article over to look at together is encouraging â€" just make sure you actually found a good article before you use that line.
- Use words like “hope, looking forward, wish, celebrate”.
- Let them know you have the cigars stashed away for that glorious birthday in the near future, or that you’re planning a bit of a surprise for their baby’s arrival.
- Ask what colors they like for boys/girls? What names do they like? â€" Let them dream a little with you. Evoking laughter helps like nothing else.
- Be specific to their situation and their personality.
- Send little gifts or tokens of your thoughts towards them. Flowers are always welcome and they brighten the person’s living space.
- When you invite them to the baby shower, acknowledge the fact that you’re aware it will be difficult for them. And give them the option to get back to you on whether or not they’ll attend. (if it’s a mailed invitation, that option is obvious)
Here are some Don’ts:
- Words or comments that are generic such as, “maybe we’ll have another family member next year to celebrate” are wounding - especially when there are plenty of other, fertile females in the family with which to compare yourself.
- Continually asking if they’re pregnant evokes the desire to slap somebody.
- When you invite them to the baby shower, don’t ask bluntly, expecting an immediate answer and then give the look of pity that says, “Oh, you’ve got to feel like the goo on the bottom of my shoe right about now.”
The positive ideas you present will not necessarily be easy to take at the time of verbal delivery, but they will echo in your friend’s mind and later become the emotional reinforcement needed to relax and support. Soon you’ll notice that they see you as one of their most respected supporters/friends. It’s just a gradual thing that is very personal and very awkward at the onset. I wish you both the best as you engage your friendship and family. I certainly respect the grace you wish to share with them.
Thanks again, Kate. You’ve presented an excellent forum here. My husband and I will consult with our Gynecologist next week. I don’t know what to hope for except that he mistakes my arrival for my first prenatal visit as my blood test comes back positive…..
-too scared to hope; too hopeful to keep from dreaming
65 - Jan Bay
I completely agree that anger beats depression any time. I like some of the suggestions on the list of do's and don't's. I think that they would help to isolate the anger at the situation from a person trying to conceive might feel about people.
Jan
66 - Lo
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been trying for about a year now, and still no pregnancy. Its like everyone around me is getting pregnant, and Im sitting here congrating everyone who is. It kills me on the inside, its tearing me apart. To be a mom is the one thing I have always wanted to be. I know I will be the best mother. I just wish the time would be now. At least I am not alone in this situation, there are others out there. I pray to God that everyone who is trying to have a child, has one. I know how hard it is to try and try and nothing in return. May God be with you.
67 - Sarah H
My bf and I have also been trying to get pregnant for 6 yrs now and nothing. Went to the doctors and he said I wastn ovulating. I have taken clomid and metformin and femara which they said would help me to ovulate and still nothing! I also have abnormal periods. Also, when I was taking clomid it made me bleed heavily. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I dont know what else to do.
68 - wondering girl
my mate had sex but she hasn't started her period yet like ever but can she get preganant?
69 - Alessandra
I am constantly depressed over the fact that I am struggling to conceive. My best friend just had a baby and I fight with my emotions everyday over it, but smile and buy presents for the baby to disguise my pain.
I have been with my husband for seven and a half happy years, we have been trying for a baby for nearly a year and a half. Considering my family like yours, are baby making machines, they often look at me like I am defected. Not to mention my mother-in-law that lets me feel nothing but shame that I cannot concieve.
Of all the careless teenagers that have unprotected sex and fall pregnant, I can't understand why I may never be blessed.
Good luck and may that pregnancy arrive swiftly to you. If you have any joy, please keep us posted!
Alessandra x
70 - Louise
Dear Tami response # 64,
Thank you so much for your response for those of us who are trying to support our friends or family who are having issues conceiving. I would never have thought that talking like it is going to happen would be appropriate, but in retrospect-- of course it is. Thank you
Louise
71 - Louise
I am very depressed I can't believe this is happening. I fell pregnant twice in the same year when I was 23 i was in no position to bring up children had both pregnancies terminated. I am now married and 34. I have a child - a 3 year old son and had no problems conceiving - it happened after the second attempt. So naturally I think I am extremely fertile and take my dear old time with baby number two. It has been a year and nothing. I now know what it feels like for all those women who try for years. It is at times, hell.
72 - Sarah H
I recently went to a new doctor and found out I have PCOS! Polycystic ovarian syndrome. Has anyone ever heard of it?? Apparently, thats whats causing me not to ovulate.
73 - Lori
I have been trying to conceive for over 5 years. I have PCOS. SO this hinders things. I have been on Provera to stimulate my cycle, followed by metformin and 6+ rounds of Clomid all the way up to 250mg. I then went to injectable fertility meds called Bravelle. None worked. I am still childless. Needless to say I feel the EXACT same way Kate does. Its killing me more and inside each day....I feel like a sorry excuse for a female.
And why does adoption have to cost so much when there are so many children in need of homes?
74 - anne
I have been with my husband for nearly 8 years, married for nearly 4 of those. He is 38 and I'm 30. I feel our clocks are ticking and, although we're both young in mind, our fertility clocks aren't quite so young!
I get angry when I see and hear about young girls getting pregnant by accident, or people who don't want to be pregnant getting caught, and even people who clearly cannot afford to have children and give them the life they deserve having several children and living off benefits.
I have PCOS and blame myself entirely. My husband loves me and never blames me, he blames himself! But the empty feeling inside eats away at you. Along with the feelings of guilt at not providing a man who would be a superb father with the child he wants.
We discussed adoption. And we selfishly have decided against, because it wouldn't be "ours".
We have a couple who are our close friends who also cannot conceive. They were offered IVF but she decided against it as it would not be natural, though they did go through the adoption route. Only to be accepted and have chosen the THREE kids they liked and spend time with them, fall in love and then be told by the final review panel it would not go ahead as the woman needed to lose weight. She has been on steroid treatment for an unrelated condition, and cannot lose weight! Therefore much heartbreak has followed for them and the three children who thought they had found mummy and daddy.
Whatever happens in the future, I know my husband and I will live each other always, and we don't need a baby to complete our unit. But the tears and hollowness continue, and possibly always will.
Kate, I feel for you, and every other person who ever feels this way. I also see the point people make when they say the world is overpopulated etc etc.. But why shouldn't we be able to experience the love and pure joy, and no doubt heartache and worry, that parenthood brings?
75 - Tanya
I read your story as if I was reading my own. Tears began to flow down my face. My story is pretty much the same with some changes. My story starts off wow I hate to say it but 8 years ago. My husband who was my boyfriend at the time began dating, and guess what- We got two lines on that stick. What the heck... I'm on birth control we just started dating and not knowing where my future was leading at that time we made a very difficult decision not to have the baby. It was hard but in my heart I felt I wasn't ready. Well who would have guessed 8 years later we are still together and have been married for three years. October of 2006 I decided I was ready... I was ready to be a mom. Thanksgiving came and I thought for sure- I'm pregnant. Well guess what no.... In February I found a lump in my breast and the doctor said to stop "trying" so we did- By May we found out everything was ok. At the doctors I explained to them I was trying and they said everything looks fine, JUST RELAX!! So I tried everything going back to work, the gym eating healthy and when October of 2007 came.. Still No baby!! I found myself hating every baby shower, birthday party, even my sister law who wasn't even 21 had a baby. Again I love my sister in law and I love my niece but to see her makes me so angry.... Why Why isn't this happening for us? We did what we were supposed to- Got married bought the house the whole nine!!! But each month that passes which trust me I have never gone through a whole year so fast. Those 4-5 days come so quickly each month. But as time has gone by I'm trying not to lose hope but I feel as though it is NEVER going to happen... and all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs WHY WHY WHY... Is it because I decided not to have that baby when I was 21, was it because I smoked was it because I'm stressed... Well life is stressful, but I seemed to have gotten pregnant before... So why not now.. Was that my only chance? Was that my only hope. I can only say I'm sorry for what was done, but I can't beat myself up for it. As we are now in February and no baby... I promised myself this year I wasn't going to stress over it anymore but some way or another I can't seem to let it go. I can't tell you how many pregnancy test I have bought, how many ovulation tests I have bought or read on the internet. So as I read your story I do believe that we are not alone. Some people maybe just aren't meant to be parents. I hope that isn't the case but it seems to be my case. I only wish hope and pray that soon my time will come. After going to my ob and he said we need to run an hsg test. Guess what I got a great letter in the mail from my insurance...Guess what they don't cover.... INFERTALITY---- So adoption may be my only hope... But again who has 25,000 to drop.. Not me. I guess I might be the lady with 10 cats 2 dogs and 5 fish. To all you other ladies who are trying to have a baby I wish you all the luck, and only hope to hear stories like mine and everybody else and a great update that you saw those two lines... If anything at least it is off of my chest and out in the world...