On May 25, 2007 I published one of my first articles at Blogcritics. It was a very personal piece called "Can’t Get Pregnant? You are Not Alone", detailing my nearly three-year struggle to get pregnant. It was one of the very first things I wrote for BC and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why I felt so compelled to write about something that I had not even really talked about with friends.
After dumping my frustrations very unceremoniously onto paper (okay, it was my computer, but that just does not sound as poetic, does it?), I read back through and realized it had been quite cathartic for me. It seemed awful to say that when I had taken my 30th negative pregnancy test it seemed very hard to be excited for a friend who was having a baby shower; but it was true, and I knew I could not be the only one feeling that way.
Very nervously I posted my article (one of the few I published that I did not share with my family or friends) and was surprised when comments started being posted right away. I was very surprised, in those first few days, at how polarizing an issue it turned out to be. I was even a little hurt when a few readers called me selfish for being so single-mindedly set on wanting a child in today’s world.
Moreover, though, I was shocked by how many responses the article received from women just like me. I suppose I should not have been, as the article was meant to tell other women who were having trouble conceiving that they were not the only ones out there.
Now, over 19 months and 129 comments later, I would like to take the opportunity to provide an update to my story.
At the time the article was written I had just been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that affects between five and seven percent of women, is one of the leading causes of infertility, and is characterized by abnormal ovulation. Shortly after being diagnosed I went through several rounds of an ovulation stimulation drug called Clomid, which is a very common treatment for infertility. After six unsuccessful rounds, my doctor referred me to a fertility specialist at the University of North Carolina Hospital at Chapel Hill.
I sat with this doctor for a very long time, becoming more and more discouraged as he reminded me that I was young and had plenty of time to get pregnant before age was a factor (I was 27 at the time). While I knew this was true, I had been ready for a child for well over two years and even one more round seemed like too long to wait.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - maskay
Congratulations!! Thank you for the update. I'm happy that both you and the baby are doing well.
2 - Amy
Congratulations! I also have PCOS but was able to get pregnant without drugs. For those women who want to try a more natural approach before Clomid and other drugs I suggest following Dr. Nancy Dunne's Book, A Diet Solution for PCOS and Infertility. It basically is a low glycemic diet and you avoid, sugar, gluten and dairy. I also had been taking the Insulite PCOS System when I got pregnant. I credit Insulite, my diet and a strict exercise program. I am due in two weeks!
3 - Hiswiifey
I was so inspired by your story, and yes i am in the same situation i feel so hopeless and every time i hear a story like yours it gives me a little hope and faith that maybe one day i will have a happy endind like yours but it hasnt happened yet. I dont have normal periods like other women. Also my best friend is to pregnet and i havent even been there for her i am so mad at her i know its not her fault it havent had any kids but i am just so jelous i feel as if i cant be happy for her. I have never looked into all the medications or anything like that i thought there was nothing i could do well i wish you and your child the best and thanks for listing....
4 - Mrs C
Thank you very much for being brave enough to publish your story. You have covered all the emotions I feel as my husband continue to try for our first child. Its only 7 months so far, but feels like forever. I'm 37, so that doesn't help. Anyway, we're working with an RE now so we'll see.
Thanks again and I'm so happy for you. :-)
5 - Miri
The happy ending to your story made me cry - with happiness for you, with hope for me, and with a bit of envy too. We have been trying for a year and I am trying to get my head around the idea that it may never happen for us. I am in my mid-thrities so don't have quite as many years left as you did when you first started trying! Your story gives me hope though.
6 - samantha
Congrats for ur baby....I wish i could get pregnant too,It's been 8 years that I can't get pregnant though i haven't tried any methods at all.I'm 23 yrs old and since the age of 15 I started living with my Husband,ever since we've try but haven't i know one day it will happen i have hope...
7 - kandi
i am happy for you, but also very jealous. i'm still very young, and have been trying forever, but have also been told it would be very difficult because both my partner and i have low or no fertility when tested.
8 - Simone
Your blog made me teary-eyed. I'm 27 and my husband (who is 25) and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It's really hard having no one to talk to...no one to understand. None of my girlfriends had this problem, and they all have bouncing babies to prove it. I do believe that my day will come very soon. Thanks for being honest about your journey. You've really helped me!
9 - M
Congratulations! I am 27 and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year. In December I found out that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic believing that the bumpy road was behind us. I sadly miscarried at 8 weeks. Its hard to explain the feeling after a miscarriage. You hit the nail on the head with your earlier blog, I felt useless and guilty, but moreover a 'bad mother'. I feel like its a woman's natural duty to conceive, carry a baby and give birth, so why couldn't I hold on to that baby for more than 8 weeks? Why could I not care for that baby? Losing a child, no matter when it may be, is the hardest thing to deal with. I still cry when I think about it and still can't answer the hardest question of all...."Why Me?" Well its been almost 3 months and we decided to try again. First month down....and I am not pregnant. I am not getting too worked up since its only the first month we have tried this time, but of course that same heavy feeling comes over you when you realize that you aren't pregnant. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts and experience. Its difficult to talk to people who have not gone through the same thing and to have them understand. The fake smiles and the "don't worry...it will happen" are not enough. Its nice to know that I am not crazy and I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings......
Give your little girl a big hug and a kiss. You are blessed...and she is the miracle to prove it.
xxxx
10 - Liz Vella
Am So so happy for you I love happy endings because it shows that God is still hearing us we have to keep listening and doing he does the rest This is such a timely read for me my third attempt at IVF will know can I continue today with cycle or stop .and is there a egg to collect I am so tired so emotional and so blotted I feel like I cant do this again then today I go to my dads diabetes specialist with him and tel him I am on insulin and doing Ivf he tells me insuline makes you fat So I have gained 10 kg in past year since starting on it I am gratful he wants to see me he has put me on a diet and says once we get my weight down then I should conceive naturally I did conceive through IVF in 05 had a beautiful boy Joshua and I so thought this would be the same this fertility yo yo has been going on for 20 years for us .I am tired and tearful but have some new hope with this new doctor Liz
11 - Kim
It's positive to hear the stories of long, trying times of trying to get pregnant but never can, only to end up with the author getting pregnant. But what about those of us who try and try, get pregnant, miscarry, take all 25 tests known to fertility specialists to try and detect reasons for miscarriages only to find out nothing, and in the end "you just have to accept it." How come those stories never get posted? How do you just accept it and move on with your life? Women are supposedly giving the gift of giving birth so where does that leave those of us who don't have that God-given right? You bet anger is the number 1 feeling at all times, all day, all night. I've yet to figure out how to move forward.
12 - M
It is sad to hear so many stories that are the same as mine. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 6 years now and unfortuanely we still have not succeeded. We have both been tested and even tried different infertitility treatments but nothing worked. The next step would be IVF, but coming up with the money to pay for this is a big problem. I am torn between do I spend everything to have a baby and than not be able to afford to raise it or continue to hope for the best.
13 - Missy
I completely admire your determination on your quest to have a child. I to went through all of these same experiences, in addition to some more invasive treatments as well. I was diagnoised with POCS at the age of 23, but looking back now, I of course know that the symptoms started much earlier in my teenage years. Of course when you are young, you just think what you are going through is "normal", or at least normal for you. When I met my now husband, he had already fathered two beautiful children from a previous marriage. His son was 3 years old, and his daughter was 1 1/2 years old when we met. They have lived with us since the very beginning, so when I met him, we had an "instant family" as some might say. Although his children were and still are mine in every sense, I still had this feeling of emptiness and longed to have a child of my own. One that I could feel growing and experience all that a pregnancy had to offer. We had tried for several years, not taking any sort of precautions to prevent a pregnancy from happening. And month after month, nothing. I had very sparatic menstural cycles, often times I would not get one for months at a time. I went to a local family physician, who said it was an easy fix, and started me on a roller coaster ride with 17 months, yes 17 months, of clomid. There were no monthly follow up apts., no blood work, no ultrasounds, just clomid. Of course that was a train wreck in the making. After a year and a half of month after month of dissapointments, I decided to ask her to refer me to a fertility specialist. She said she didn't think one would be able to do anything she hadn't already done for me, but finally decided to refer me anyways, against her better judgement. Wow, what I was to learn on my first trip to this doctor was overwhelming. Here I am 23 years old, thinking to myself, I must be the only person in the world that could possibly have something like this happening to me. I would later learn just how very wrong I was. After many indepth tests and a surgery to "burst" or eliminate some of the many, many cysts that were on my ovaries, I began yet another long series of medicines. However, this time they were to be monitored very closely by this specialist. I did numerious rounds of clomid and of course month after month I would go in for my mid cycle syno, or ultrasound. I would be told, you have several good sized follicles, your uteren lining looks good, and lets go ahead with the HCG shot to make you ovulate. Of course then it was always a pleasure to go home and tell your partner we "have to have sex", or "it's time". I have to say, any couple who can remain together after all of these fertility issues, obviously was brought together for a reason. Not just any couple can go through such times as these. My husband could have easily said, I already have two children, and they are with us, isn't that enough. Never once did he utter these words. He went through every single test that was required for him to have done, sure some complaining along the way, but he did it anyway. So once, the HCG shot was given, you went to work, and yes after a while it was just like work, a chore, a part of the routine as you might call it. And then the two week waiting period. I did not know two weeks could be so long until then. And of course you would try not to get your hopes up, yet still find excitement that maybe, just maybe this would be the month. Then, your menstrual cycle would not come, you would take a pregnancy test, only to get yet another negative result. After 8 months of this, my doctor decided to try another procedure in which I would give myself injections everyday for a certain number of days a month. Taking the medicine for 5 days, that was the easy part, but having to give yourself a shot everyday, well, I wasn't sure I could do something like that. Of course I learned how, and it wasn't so bad. Again, we did several months of this, and each month, I fell deeper and deeper into a state of depression. I began to think I was just not meant to have the one thing I longed for more than anything in this world. I was angry, sad, blamed others for my problems, and yet optomistic that my doctor would have yet another route we could try. One final option was artificial insemination. We did this three months. My doctor told me at that point she did not think I was going to be able to ever have children. I could try much more expensive alternative procedures, but there were no guarantees with them either. As I drove home from that last appointment, I was overcome with a feeling of failure. I felt useless and dissapointment, not only to myself but to my husband. I remained on one of the medications that my doctor put me on, metformin, also known as glucophage, to help with some of the other symptoms that come along with the PCOS.
It took several years for me to come to terms that I was not ever going to have children of my own, that I was never going to get to experience all the wonders of carring a child, and giving birth. I accepted that this is what God had intended for me. He had put me here for a purpose. Those two children needed a mother to raise them like they were her own, and that is what I did, and continue to do yet today. However the story does not end there. For four years I continued to take my metformin, menstrual cycles were irregular as usual, and I just rolled with the punches. In May of 2005, my mohter, my best friend, passed away unexpectedly from a build up of calcium in the arteries that lead to her heart. I hit my all time low in my life. She knew how much I wanted to have a baby, and had supported me every step of the way in my journey to have one, always telling me she would give anything if I could just have a child of my very own. Little did I know, she would have given her life if it meant I could experience the joys of being a mother to my own child myself. To many this part of my life may seem a little far fetched, but no one will ever tell me anything different, but my life was about to take a change, and to me, my mother had some hand in what took place. Over the entire summer of 2005, following my mothers death, I was depressed, I let myself fall into a rut of feeling useless, and just didn't care anymore. All the while I felt the stresses of her passing taking a toll on me. Sure I kept myself busy taking care of my step children, and taking care of others children day in and day out, (I am a certified child care provider and work out of my own home). In October, while at our local Wal-Mart doing my weekly shopping, I walked past the pharmacy department, and while walking by I had an unexplainable desire to purchase a pregnancy test. Of course I knew it was going to be a waste of not only my time, but money. I threw it in the cart anyways, and went on with my shopping. When I got home, I began unpacking all of my purchases and the last item I unloaded was the pregnancy test. I figured what the heck, whats the worst that can happen, another negative. WRONG!!! Holly cow, it was far from a negative. Where had this come from. Of course I was in disbeliefe, I must have done something wrong. I called my family physician, who now was a completely different doctor than I had seen all those years ago, and asked him what I could have done wrong. He told me I hadn't done anything wrong, and that he wanted me to come into the clinic sometime in the next week and see him. I made an appointment for the following week. I arrived at my appointment along with my husband, and was still not convinced that this was real. My doctor came into the room, congratulated my husband and I, and started talking about all the things you would hear at your first OB appointment. I told him I thought he was a little ahead of himself and he asked what I meant. I told him I still did not believe this could be true, that I could be pregnant. He stopped what he was doing and asked me to follow him, but had my husband stay in the room and wait for us to return. He lead me down the hall to a restroom near the lab department, opened the door, and said there are cups for a urine sample in the drawer, and when I was finished he would be waiting for me outside in the hall. What the heck, another one of these. So I finished, left the room, found him in the hallway, and he told me to wait a few minutes and he would be right back. Shortly after that he came out, smiled, and held up a pregnancy test that read PREGNANT! I don't know what I said, how I reacted, or anything else about that moment. I only remember him saying to me over and over, Missy you are going to be a mom, your pregnant. We went back into the exam room where my husband was waiting and my doctor started asking all kinds of routine questions like when was your last menstrual cycle, and all that good stuff. Of course I had no idea when it was, they were never regular, and even more irregular since my mother passed away. I had been sick a lot, headaches, and paid no attention to that at all. I told him the last time I remembered having one was in June. I remember his mouth dropping when I told him this. He had me hop up on the exam table, started feeling around, pushing on my stomach, and had a really strange look on his face. He told me he was going to step out of the room for just a second and he'd be right back. He came back with a doppler and said he was going to see if he could find the baby's heartbeat. I told him I thought it was a little early for that, and he told me that according to what I was measuring I was between 17-19 weeks along. Next thing I know, he is holding this doppler to my ear, and I am hearing my babys hearbeat. As if the shock of confirming that I was really pregnant wasn't enough, now I am hearing this heart beat that is growing inside of me, and then thinking I am almost halfway through this pregnancy and didn't even know it. Of course looking back now, all those times I would wake up in the night and throw up, or each and every time I would go to the grocery store for any kind of meat, or ever think or smell of meat, I was headed for the nearest restroom. This had been going on for months along with headaches regularly, and I had just figured it was stress related from the loss of my mother. Before I left my appointment, my doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound done the next day so we could confirm just how far along I was and get a better idea of when I was due. The next morning I arrived for my ultrasound, and there was this little baby, arms, legs, head, heart beating away, and moving all over the place. Almost all to good to be true. The ultrasound tech. told me that I was 18 1/2 weeks along, and due around March 21, 2006. I went home with the first pictures of my baby and a tape they made for me in a state of shock. I remember the tech telling me that I would have concieved around the 19th of June, but at the time didn't pay much attention to this information, until I was on my way home. The 19th of June would have been my mothers birthday.
My pregnancy was quite eventful, high blood pressure, lots of ultrasounds and non stress tests that would result in non activity, and thus another trip in for an ultrasound. I had lots and lots of pictures of this little person, and yet not once in all my trips did this little being want anyone to know what sex they were to be. I did not want to know anyways, as there are only a few surprises in life and this is one of them. I didn't have to be told what I was having, I already knew..... On March 7, I went into the hospital for an induction, which did not work. After 36 hours, my little girl, Izabella Sue, (Sue named after my mother), arrived at 7:43pm. Weighing 6# 5.2 oz. and 21 1/2 inches long, she was perfect! She is the light of my life, a true gift from above. There is not a day that goes by, even now 3 years later, that I don't thank my mother every day for this precious little miracle. And this is not the end of my story.........................
About 9 months after my little Izabella was born I decided I wanted to try for another baby. I thought maybe, just maybe, my body was in sync. Afterall I was having a menstrual cycle every month, something that had never happened before. For just a little while I felt normal. My doctor sent me to a fertility specialist in another town. He was very optomostic about my getting pregnant agian, and we started the first month taking 100mg. of clomid and then followed up with a mid cycle sono and the HCG shot to induce ovulation. We tried this for two months, and nothing. The third month he decided we would get a little more aggressive. My clomid was increased to 150mg. cycle days 5-9, followed by a procedure known as an HSG in which dye is pushed through the tubes to check for blockages or other problems. My tubes were clear, and there seemed to be no problems. A week later I returned for my mid cycle sono and had several follicles, so was given the HCG shot to induce ovulation. I went home, spent the next two weeks not allowing myself to get my hopes, but feeling "different" this time around. I waited exactly 14 days, and then because I did not have any signs of my cycle coming, took a pregnancy test. PREGNANT! Baby #2 was on the way. Again, high blood pressure, althought no nausea, but heartburn in the later part of my pregnancy. This time my husband wanted to know what we were having, but I did not. I agreed to let him find out, as long as he promised he would not tell me or anyone else. He assured me he would not. We went in for our ultrasound and the tech doing it slipped, saying look there are his private parts. I was shocked, he looked at me and felt terible, as he knew I did not want to know. I was a little upset, but I was ok with it. So, on December 19th, yes exactly 6 months after my mother's birthday, I gave birth via c-section again, to my little boy, Mason Charles Glen. He was born at 7:25am, and weighed 6# 11oz. and was 20 inches long. Perfect!
My step children are now 17 and 15 1/2, and my little Izabella is 3 and Mason is 15 months old. They are all the most precious gifts I could ever ask for. Each day is a new challenge, a new adventure, and there is never a dull moment. But then having two teenagers and two toddlers in the house could never prove to be a breeze. I LOVE IT! I have just recently decided that another addition to the family would be nice, and two months ago began seeing the fertility specialist again. I have just completed my second round of clomid, the HCG shots, and the HSG procedure. I am now taking a break for a couple of months as I have a cyst near my right ovary that we have been watching and it appears to be growing, as well as the development of a new cyst. I will take this cycle off, and when my next cycle comes around I will go in to meet with my fertility doctor to schedule a date for surgery to have the cyst removed. After that, we will be back in the game in hopes to add to our family.
I know all to well the feeling of desperation many of you have gone through, or are going through. I will never tell someone to "just forget about it and it will happen" or "be thankful for what you have got, it will happen" or "quit trying so hard". Those that speak those words have not walked in the shoes of us that have been there or are there. Their words can cut like a knife, and they hurt. I can only offer hope to each and everyone of you. Do not give up, continue to educate yourself, ask questtions, and most importantly, pray. Have faith. To each of you, I wish you all the best of luck in the world. May you each find the strength to help you through your lifes journey to have a child of your own. God Bless.
Missy
14 - Lisa
I am 39 years old and recently married. We have been trying to have a baby and were wondering what the problem was. My age? We sought out a fertility specalist and I was told I have PCOS. We don't have the money for IV and it is not an option. I am on Glugophage and am tryin the next best thing. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility so we are trying to work with my fsamily doctor to get around all of the loop holes. I was wondering what some of you have done or if you have had insurance problems as well.
15 - Peaches
That is wonderful I am so happy for you!!!!
16 - Melissa
Congratulations! My husband and I have two children, the first took almost two years to conceive and the second only three months. We have been trying to get pregnant again for the last three years but so far have had two miscarriages and no baby :( Just after my last miscarriage my sister found out she was pregnant. She now has a beautiful baby boy and is in rehab because she is addicted to drugs. It makes me so angry that she has this wonderful little person and does not deserve or appreciate him I am having such a hard time.
17 - Keyonna
I started crying when i read the fantastic parrt of this story. I have been unsuccessful myself! I h ave been so embarrassed and stressed about it that I haven't even told my mom. From reading your article, I want to say Thank You! You really gave me hope and knowledge
18 - sharon stead
congratulations, i hope i will have a happy ending one day soon
19 - Lonika Utterback
Thank you for your story. It gives me a lot of hope. My family too are "fertility" machines. I got pregnant 1 month after I got married only to have a misscarriage at 13 weeks, a week after I could safely tell everyone. It has nw been 5 months and I am getting deppressed as each negative test comes. I really don't want to get as far as expensive treatments as my husband and I are not THAT well off.
Congratulations and my we be as lucky.
20 - Kayla
I am so happy for you. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year now and we are having a lot of trouble, but I know god will help us get through this. I hope you and your little one are doing great.
21 - kelly
benn trying for nine years
22 - Jodi
This is very inspiring. I have been trying unsuccessfully since May 2006. Ihave been diagnosed with endometriosis. I have done two operations in the last two years to remove tissue and two chocolate cysts. I have tried everything from Clomid to Lucrin and have now been recommended to do invitro. Your story exemplifies what faith and determination can accomplish. You have given me hope. Congrats and all the best to you and your family.
23 - Cathy
Your story brought me to tears, as your first blog practically explains my life. My husband (33) and I (26) also met when I was in school and there was no doubt that we would get married and have dreamed of having our own family ever since. We are together for 10 years this year and still happy and going strong. Since a tiny girl I have had a love and passion for babies and a fascination for pregnancy and all I could do was dream about when it would be my turn. All I wanted to be was a Mom! I started thinking of baby names at the age of 10 already!!!
My husband too has dreamed about having his own children and talks about them as though they exist, even though right now all they are is a figment of his imagination. He will bring up his son or his daughter in conversation, yet they are still to be conceived! After 3 years of marriage we finally decided that it was time to start our own family. We did it all right, we were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married. We didn't live together and took all precautions to not have pre-marital children. We took time to get to know eachother and enjoy married life before committing to starting a family. Because we both appreciate and understand the responsibility and blessing a child would bring to our marriage and our lives. We wanted to be ready! We decided after 3 years to start our family and I tried very hard to keep it to myself as to not advertise it to avoid any pressure... yet that was more difficult then just putting it out in the open. I have read books and spoken to people and tried to gain as much knowledge as possible. It has been over a year now an to no avail! My Best Friend decided to start trying for a baby about 8 months after I started trying.
December 2008 it finally happened, my period was late. I tried to not get excited but this was difficult because my cycle was like clock work and was NEVER late! I always said that if my period was late I would definately be pregnant.
After day 3 I told my friend and she then realised that she too was late. So we both waited it out. After 5 days of no period I finally decided to do the test.... it was negative.... still unconvinced I went to do the blood test.... still negative.... but I still clung onto that little bit of hope, just maybe it is still too early.... the day after christmas my friend did her first test.... she was pregnant...after only 3 months of trying......... the very next day, my period started...... I am happy for her but very sad and bitter for me..... to this day we have still been unsuccessful in our attempts to fall pregnant. My husband cannot understand how some people who do not deserve children are blessed, and how we who have strived our entire lives towards being pregnant are struggling! .... I have been for tests and confirmed that I am healthy and ovulating. It is now my Husbands turn to do his fertility test yet he is hesitant and in his own world is trying to deal with the emotions and fears of the big 'what if' and inadequacies that go along with it. I am scared and hesitant because the last thing I want is for him to receive an infertile result and to deal with him being devastated about it. It would absolutely break my heart... how do I deal with that knowing that I am fine and healthy? The weight now rests on his shoulders yet I don't want to force him to take the tests.....
The emotion, fear and depression of every month trying, taking the test and disappointment thereafter has caught up with me. I try so hard to follow the advice of others to 'just forget about it', 'don't stress it will happen when your time is right'... but to tell you the truth, it's difficult and soul destroying. I am generally a happy positive person yet now I feel as though I have a weight on my shoulders, and although I try not too, I too have the sense of resentment and bitterness towards friends and family who have concieved so easily. I am glad for them, but so very sad for me and my husband. All I want and all I have ever wanted was to fall pregnant and have my own baby....since I was a little girl I have dreamed of having a baby growing inside me and experience the miracle of life.....and it was always my greatest fear that I would struggle to fall pregnant, and today here I sit writing this blog and acknowledging the fact that we are struggling. Whilst it seems like everyone I know and all my friends are falling pregnant with ease... it seems as thought falling pregnant is an unattainable goal just out of my reach!
We have decided to take a break from the emotional stress and strain of trying to have a baby and focus on getting healthy from within as well as without. I soon hope to find the courage and strength to continue with my journey of assisting GOD in the miracle of having a child......... Until then I will do my best to be happy and stay positive and pray that I too will receive my blessing. Your story is one of hope and just shows that persistance does pay off. Thank you for sharing.
24 - Nat
I share your pain.
25 - Nicci
@Missy
Oh My your story is truly an inspiration to me! I cried as I read and felt your pain through your words and believe me our stories are almost the same except I am still not pregnant. It hurts yes but your story and the author of the segment and truly inspired me to go own.
Thank you and God Bless