If you're in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?
This is not a cut-and-dried decision as there are many factors to consider. We're about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs you may have never thought to question before. Have an open mind as you read the rest of this article.
Background: Is this a bad relationship?
Imagine the following scenario:
I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him, but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn't unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. Even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.
Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted - caring, responsible, trustful, and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him and he fell in love with me.
I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.
S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me. He cried and cried and pleaded with me, telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.
Article comments
1 - laura
i loved this article! it deals with so much of what i'm going through. your words made me feel so much better on a very dreary day - thank you. my religious friends & family can't seem to relate to me very well since my mind tends to be a little more on the open side of religion. as a result, they're not around to lean on while i drag myself through the mire of divorce. the only upside of that is learning to depend on myself through it all - which is ok too. thanx again!
2 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
While I do not fundamentally disagree with what the authors have said about the necessity for this woman moving on from a failed marriage, I wish they would get their unasked for comments about religion straight.
The concept of remaining in a marriage to suffer is straight out of the Middle Ages pushed by the Catholic Church called "de contempis mundi," meaning that one dismisses this world and its suffering in order to store up brownie points for the world to come. This is a distortion of a Jewish concept that says that one does as many good deeds in this world to prepare for the world to come.
Dan and Jennifer, if you want to give relationship advice, fine. But stick to what you know, and stay away from what you don't know...
3 - Baronius
Ruvy, their relationship advice is even worse than their analysis of religion. "Make yourself happy"? Yeah, the key to relationships is being as selfish as possible. Madness.