More than a mere sex kitten, Jolie is a man-eating cheetah just waiting to devour our men.
Maybe it was the passing of the dreaded 6-6-06, but devils and demons have infiltrated my mind, and I awoke last night sweating and shaken with a vision of Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally as she single-handedly destroyed the earth with her multi-hued progeny at her side.…
Article comments
— go to most recent comments76 - Mary K. Williams
Victor, that'll fetch a pretty shekel on eBay
77 - david
Poor Angelina. So wickedly, prenaturally beautiful. Her physical features are so exaggerated that they shouldn't exist, but you just know they it's all real. A genetic miracle.
But I don't get the sense that she a predator. She tries her best to behave, but she's just so physically threatening. Her biggest threat to men is just her existence. She could be clipping her nails, and she'd still be accused of plotting something devious and sexy.
Here's how things really happened:
Angie: Brad, can you pass he the corn nuts?
Brad: Angelina, why do you tempt me! Fine, I'll leave my wife for you!
Angie: Okay, whatever.
78 - Veronica
Why is it that married women are so threatened by Angelina? Do you really think that your own personal schlep of a husband is in danger of being stolen from you by her? That is so hilarious.
PS: whoever wrote the original article should really stay away from writing satire - celebrity or other - it was not really satirical enough, and came across as mean and catty.
79 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
I'm sorry I'm not up on my theology here, but where exactly does Jon Voight fall into this picture? Is he Satan (a Beelzebub of Befuddlement, if you will, given his blank expression)? And if he is, why didn't he use his powers to get better movie roles for himself? I mean, come on, "Anaconda"?
80 - david
Dawn
I bet you would give anything to be as beautiful and sexy as Angelina..no offense but you look at least 50 yrs old in the photo you usually have at the end of your blog. Angelina will still be beautiful for years and years, cant say the same about you tho.
Funny how you say "personal attacks will not be allowed", yet you personally attack Angelina.
Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you?
81 - Christopher Rose
david: EEEK! Totally missing the point alert!!!!
The personal attacks things applies to commenters not public figures. Public figures, love 'em or loathe 'em, are just naturally up there fopr taking potshots at. It just goes with the territory.
As for hypocrisy, I think this is one of the most hackneyed words in common usage today. Demanding consistency is fine for a factory production line but humans are all about passion and intelligence not robotics.
As for Mistress Angelina, having seen a genuine photo of Ms Dawn, I can only assume it is some kind of blonde sisterhood thing that is behind her instinctive support for Ms Aniston...
Guess it's just not true any more that blondes have more fun!
82 - Von Zipper
Dawn--You should know that I engaged in a little personal attack, if you will, on David#80. We just settled our differences in the alley with a round of fisticuffs, and he's now Bloody Pulp#80.
(Walking away, dusting self off, looking for another fight in an unjust world).
83 - Mat Brewster
Honestly, when I saw the real Dawn, my first thought was, "what a babe." So, Dawn, no matter what picture you use, you're still a hottie.
Sorry, EO, I'll sign the restraining order now.
Sorry wife....um....damn you look beautiful today.
84 - Eric Olsen
thanks Mat, I agree
david, there's no accounting for taste but Dawn is 36 and still gets carded - maybe give up on that umpiring dream, okay dave?
And this isn't satire - she really DOES think Angelina is the Anti-Christ and I haven't heard one shred of evidence against her argument.
Suddenly psychobitch vampire girl gets grooming and cares about the children of the world? Give me a fucking break [Edited]
85 - Dawn
Honestly, I am completely secure enough in my own attributes to not be bothered in the least by the attacks on my looks. I am neither as gorgeous as Angelina or Jennifer, nor as hideous as half the people on the web.
But don't go criticizing my writing when half of those attacking me don't have the brass ones to take the time and effort to write their momma let alone a post on a site as high quality as this one.
And while this is in the vein of satire, I do think that Angelina Jolie is a low-rent whore bag with a moral compass guided by a magnetic field trapped inside Superman's North Pole lair.
She's a husband stealing ho. And while I worry zero about my husband going near her skeevy ass, she did steal SOMEONE's husband and that's just not cool.
Having a baby doesn't make her more special than the millions of women who have babies every year, nor do her efforts separate her from the millions of missionaries who sacrifice their time to save poor children around the globe.
I have more respect for far more humble people doing great acts of kindness with far less than those two fucking assholes.
See, I was being kind in my article, the truth is I think Brad is moron being led around like a chimp, and she's a two-bit whore on a ego-trip. If anyone is saved in the meantime, it's completely accidental.
Now, feel free to insult me and act like an asshole about two celebrity fuckheads who wouldn't give you the time of day, but know, I don't care what you say if its merely to insult me - I've heard it all and chances are it will be deleted before I see it. Your free time to waste.
86 - Dawn
Oh and Mat, VZ, EO - thanks for having my back.
BTW Chris, I am a firecrotch, not a blonde. And as such, we DO have all the fun :)
87 - Victor Plenty
As one of the hideous people on the web, I can vouch for what Dawn says, and for what several others have also said. She is way cuter than most of us out here.
88 - GK
Dawn, you're awesome! What a read.
89 - sal m
by the way, when i said bono, i meant chastity bono, yea that's the ticket, CHASTITY bono...
and i love how jolie went to africa and basically stole the second kid from that poor tribal mom. after all, how can that poor woman fight to get her kid back?
jolie isn't going to bring about the apocolypse, but the apackolips...as she will rule the world with her labial superiority.
90 - Christopher Rose
I just hope your firecrotch isn't where your lovely hair should be, Dawn!
91 - Dawn
Um, not sure what you are implying, but my firecrotch is in the usual location. My head too for that matter Chris.
You so weird Rose!
92 - Christopher Rose
Well you sure looked blonde when you had your own photo up before. Not quite sure what a firecrotch looks like and probably safer that way! lol.
Me weird? You ought to come over to Europe and look West, the view is surreal!
93 - Dawn
Ahh, so that's it, you are European. Well, that makes sense :)
94 - Christopher Rose
Yeah, Dawn, Europe! You should try it some time - there are almost no weapons on the streets, people are happy, healthy and safe. It's definitely not the USA which, like someone's much loved but eccentric auntie, is becoming dottier by the day!
95 - telecritic
Good lord what a bunch of crap - I can't believe any writer worth her salt would waste her time on such a bullshit article. You are quite the piece of work!
96 - Matthew T. Sussman
So I go on a business trip, work hard, and you guys have fun all week without me? Last time I try hard at anything.
I'll be honest, I never found her attractive, but I was too afraid to admit it. I questioned my manhood. And then I met Chelsea.
But the devil incarnarnate? I didn't believe it after I read it, but when I scrolled down to comment, my Mac froze up. My MAC! It FROZE! Macs don't freeze. So now I'm a believer.
And you, sir, DJDooDooHead, should be ashamed. And ugly. (I'll find out next month!)
Dawn, truce over. Submit this to the Pulitzer Board.
97 - GK
Dear telecritic,
Good lord what a bunch of crap - I can't believe any poster worth her/his salt would waste her/his time on such a bullshit post. You are quite the piece of work!
98 - GK
Hope you caught the sarcasm. Telecritic, what was the meaning behind your post? If you argue that you were just (rudely mind you) stating your opinion, well that goes both ways. Respect Dawn's opinion and everyone else's who happen to disagree with yours. If you were so bothered by this piece, ask yourself why? Present arguments if you wish but really... this was funny and well-written and I think everyone but die-hard close minded Brangelina fans would agree. These fans believe Brangelina can do no wrong. And we all know that no one is infallible. Just because they are announcing their charitableness left, right, and center (motivations are important imo) doesn't justify their personal actions. Just admit that please. We all have to be alittle naive to think that Angelina had no part to play in the divorce. Brad and Angelina meet in late 2003 to film Mr and Mrs Smith (correct?) and suddenly rumors abound in 2004 that there is trouble in the Pitt/Aniston marriage. (FYI there is always going to be trouble in a long-term relationship. Appears that Angelina in whatever role she played influenced Brad to stop working on those issues.) They separate in early 2005 and immediately Brad and Angelina hook up - as friends they claim. Yeah right. And the rest is, well you know. So let's just be fair and rational. They may be charitable (but is charity a ploy for obtaining positive PR? Who knows. We'll give them the benefit of the doubt.) but they are far from being saints. They should be recognized for who they really are, warts and all. People with extremist views (who also lack a sense of humor) should be approached with caution! And anyway, the title Brangelina:The Devil and Mr. Pitt kind of hints that the article contained inside that link is not favorable to Brangelina. So telecritic, were you just looking for a fight? If you just want to read glowing reviews exclusively about what we can only guess is one of your favorite people, you shouldn't have clicked on the link. Keep a better handle on your mouse next time! :-)
99 - Dawn
Thanks GK - that was noble and good of you - twice even!!!
Matt, truce is indeed over. And the Pulitzer Board called and said it was truly unfair that I should be graced with such spectacular talent while so many others fail in their most ardent attempts - because of this I have been disqualified from competing. It only seems fair.
They did mention your name though, something about "worst crap they've ever read" and "what a load of nonsense."
I'll put in a good word for you. I am sure I can come up with at least one.
100 - Heathen
You know, there are probably 4 billion people in this world who don't believe in an antichrist. As an asian and a buddhist, I find this obsession with superstitions like 666 and antichrist etc. to be just so ridiculous. 666 is a lucky number for the chinese - but wait, that proves it doesn't it? Those chinese are just a bunch of heathens. And the Hindus too. and let's not talk about the shintoists and taoists and animist. thank goodness there are buddhists and hindus around or all children born on 06.06.06 would be killed.
101 - Von Zipper
"thank goodness there are buddhists and hindus around or all children born on 06.06.06 would be killed."
Well Heathen where were yoo 5 days ago? Ya coulda stopt me from killing my new-born baby gurl. Hey do you buddasts and hindoos have like magic powers to, you know, bring her back to life? Even half way woold be good--being that its just a gurl and all. Deal’s off, tho, if we hafta raise her buddast or hindoo or without intelligence and a sense of humor.
102 - Heathen
LOL von zipper, how did you do it? Did you zip her up in a plastic bag as your handle implies or did you rip her head off (assuming you meant to spell von Ripper)
103 - sal m
note to dawn:
in the future please try to see where asians and buddists stand on whatever issue that you are writing about, then act accordingly.
i mean if this many people don't believe in something than it certainly can't be worth us wasting our time on.
thank god for those people!
104 - sal m
and in an effort to make full disclosure, i find buddist superstitions extremely silly as well as catholic superstitions and jewish superstitions and muslim superstitions, etc...
105 - Bliffle
I have it on good authority that Bono is NOT going to hookup with Jolie. Bush met Bono and told him to get back together with Cher.
106 - Matthew T. Sussman
Angelina has yet to sink her fangs into one of our beloved athletes. Whether she's looking to break in a rookie (Matt Leinart), a veteran (Derek Jeter), or a man already spoken for (Tony Parker) has yet to be seen.
107 - Heathen
Sal M - You are right - superstitions are silly. My apologies for not acknowledging that in my post.
108 - Heathen
Sorry, hit post button before completing my post.
Though I do read celebrity news from time to time for light relief, something about what Dawn wrote bothered me- which is why I'm back. And it is her lack of perspective.
Dawn spent her energy, time and obvious intelligence writing her "humourous" piece about an ALLEGED misdemeanour by private persons in a private matter. Meanwhile, other events more deserving of her talent and time and intelligence slips by uncommented on by people. President George W Bush has been wiretapping without constitutional approval. Abu Ghraib has happened under his watch. Katrina caused the levies to over flowed and Bush LIED about not KNOWING that the levees could over flow, and then Bush tried to pass ALL THE blame on to Michael Brown. Other americansSheesh....
don't bother responding. I won't be back.
109 - Gordon "Von Zipper" Hauptfleisch
Heathen--and yet, all these things get written about. Enough subjects to go around, seems to me.
Here's your hat what's your hurry?
110 - Eric Olsen
Heathen, some people write shallowly on major topics, some people write deeply on minor topics - both have their place, don't you think? I'd much rather read the latter, by the way.
111 - Alicia
Dawn Olsen you are a nobody, so I don't care for your nasty "comments" about my lady Angelina Jolie. She obviously, is above you. Fin.
112 - charlotte
THAT WAS POETRY AND SO VERY TRUE. IT IS SO SCARY HOW PEOPLE DEFEND THESE TWO LIKE THEY ARE FAMILY. ANY PERSON THAT DON'T AGREE WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR THEIR FANS BECOME UNRULY. THEY CURSE YOU OUT THEY CALL YOU HATER,ND SOME GO AS FAR AS TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. I COULD NOT NOR HAVE NOT COME CLOSE TO EXPRESSING HOW SICK SHE IS; EVEN IN THIS ARTICLE SOME OF HER CRAZY FANS TO THE RESCUE. I OFTEN WONDERED HOW JENNIFER ANISTON, ACCORDING TO ANGELINA'S FANS, HAS BECOME SO UGLY,SO WORTHY OF ALL THIS RIDICULE,AND FINALLY HAVING THIS WOMAN WHO WILL NEVER SLEEP WITH MARRIED MAN, TELLING EVER TV SHOW THAT WOULD LISTEN, ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE TO WANT THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE IN ORDER TO KEEP YOUR HUSBAND. JUST A REGULAR ATTRACTIVE JOE BLOW ON THE STREET WILL NEVER SUIT HER. IT HAVE TO BE A CHALLENGE TO HER AND WHAT BETTER CHALLENGE THAN GETTING THE MAN WHOM IN PART FEEL WILL NEVER CHEAT ON HIS WIFE. THAT IS SO EUPHORIC FOR HER. ALL THAT TRAVELING DAY IN AND DAY OUT FOR MONTHS, WITH WHO, THE MAN AMERICA LOVES AND THAT SHE NOW DOMINATE IN A MANNER JENNIFER COULD NEVER DO. HE IS NOT THE FIRST. SHE HAVE TRIED IT WITH OTHERS. SHE NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS THAT BILLYBOB WOULD LOSE INTEREST IN HER. SEX, BEAUTY, TATTOOS, HEROINE, AND HE STILL LOST HIM. NOW, AFTER HIM, SHE NEEDED A BIG FISH. SHE WANTED HIM ALL TO HERSELF. SHE WORKED A LITTLE HARDER AND HAD A PLAN B WITH HIM. KEEP HIM ISOLATED, EVENTUALLY, PROVE TO THE WORLD THAT YOU WANT ME MORE THAN ANY OTHER WOMAN. SHE EVEN CONVINCED HIM TO DISRESPECT HIS MOTHER, CASE AND POINT, ALL MY BITCHES ARE MAD AT ME. ONE OF THOSE BITCHES HE SPEAKING OF WAS HIS MOTHER. NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF YOU. SHE TELLS EVERYONE HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HER MOTHER AND HATE HER FATHER. IF MY MOTHER WAS SICKENED WITH CANCER, THERE IS NO PLACE OR PERSON THAT WOULD KEEP ME FROM BEING BY MY MOTHER. SHE DID NOT NEED TO BE IN PARIS. SHE NEEDED TO ISOLATE BRAD. HER ACTIONS NEVER SEEM TO BACK HER CONVERSATION. LIKE MY FATHER CHEATED ON MY MOTHER I COULD NEVER BE WITH A MARRIED MAN. THESE TWO CAN GET ANY PRIVATE JET, SHE FLY HER OWN PLANE. THE ONLY REASON THESE TWO PICTURES WERE RELEASED IS BECAUSE SHE WANTED THEM TO BE RELEASED. JUST HAVING HIM IS NOT ENOUGH, WHAT PURPOSE WOULD THAT SERVE. IF THE WHOLE WORLD DON'T KNOW THAT SHE HAS HIM WHAT USE IS IT TO BE WITH HIM. ALL ALONG WHILE BAITING HIM, WHERE WAS THE CONCERN FOR HER MOTHER. SHE THOUGHT MORE ABOUT JENNIFER THAN SHE DID HER OWN MOTHER. SHE NEEDED TO SEE HER WITH HIM TAGGING BEHIND HER LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY. LOOK WHAT I HAVE CONQUERED HOW MANY OF YOU WOMEN CAN SAY YOU CAN ACHIEVE THAT. ANGELINA IS A PSYCHOPATHIC SOCIOPATH. GET WHAT SHE WANT AT ALL COST. SHE ADOPT ELSE WHERE, BECAUSE NO ONE IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD ALLOW HER TO GET A BABY WITHOUT A PSYCH CONSULT AND SHE IS CRAZY. SHE IS A VERY SICK LADY AND SHE HAVE A LIST OF FOLLOWERS THAT WORSHIP THE GROUNDS SHE WALK ON. IT REMIND ME MORE OF JIM JONES, BACK IN 1979. HE WAS A SAVIOR TOO. HOW ABOUT WACO, HE WAS A PROFOUND TALKER TOO. THE PROBLEM, IS THAT THEY WORSHIP THEM TO DEATH. ANGELINA FANS, BRING IT!!!!!!
113 - dark faith
did you know some aniston fans wanted angelina to miscarry that baby I think her fans are the evil ones as to want a child to die as far as her being what you say brad only played her I think he is dominant more than her he only wanted her to bolieve she was in charge until he got what he wanted now they have the child he figures she is his now the resent pictures shows a very different jolie walking bihind brad looking quiet stop bashing on jolie if she were trully evil she wouldnt look so vulnerable near pitt he wanted the baby he talked her in to having his child now hes got her trully because of the baby that he knows she wont leave. dawn you are evil
114 - dark faith
aniston is a bitch ans she sucks dawn you are the one who is going to go to hell for judging other people
115 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
Dawn,
I cannot believe this article has generated this many comments. I'd write about the sexy chicks in Israel. But I only know one, and I have the brains to keep my trap shut about her.
116 - Hot Lips
Jeeez. People take this bullcrap seriously. Damn. That is just what the goverment wants you to do, Focus your attention on crap that doesn't even matter. Yep, Satan sure does rule the world.Yeah Angelina Jolie is is pretty, but I acknowledge the fact there are better looking women in the world, and I don't fawn over her. She does not make me think dirty thoughts as a matter of fact she does not make me think anything. To the people who hat Jennifer Aniston so much, why? I don't hate Angelina, but I hate her fans.
117 - dark faith
the feeling is mutual fans hate the fans of the other why becuse the faniston crazies hate babies and are racist to non white children and call new borns spawns of evil and whore they are the sick ones
118 - Hambone
She's the DEVIL!
119 - Hambone
Join the anti-Angelina movement!
120 - virtual redhead
LOVED this article - wonderfully witty. Didn't really have the patience to slog through all the responses, but dang! I know good writing when I see it. FABULOUS! And who is this lovely Eric man who sees through Shebeezlebub's evil machinations? A keeper for sure, gotta love a man with a little discernment...
Author,brava! We want MORE!!!
121 - Brangelina
This article is 14 months old ... Brad and Angelina are still going strong.
122 - Grenacious
Behold I send you out as sheep amongst the wolves.
Brad pitt was clearly the sheep sent in amongst the wolf that was Jolie. A wolf watches its prey and it plays with its prey, parades it, and then tears it apart.
I do believe that Jolie is possibly the antichrist. When I first saw pictures of her french kissing her brother, I felt sick, and anyone who condones such actions - you will meet your idol in HELL, Why not give your father a BJ and justify it? Why not have a father molest a child? Justify it still?? its wrong, no matter who carries out the act. Its immoral and its sick, only sick people would carry out such actions, people of real mental health issues.
(sit and think about the above paragraph)
So you all come here to sit and shoot awful comments to Dawn? Why cause she is honest about the facade ? she is honest about her view? because she like so many millions in this world - refuse to believe this PR cloud of damn goody two shoes jolie has put out there and wishes for us to believe.
One day they say the world will end, and there humans will have a choice, to walk with a fake god- who is the antichrist, Or to walk the path towards our real lord.
Stealing another womans husband is not the actions of a SELFLESS PERSON, its the act of a manipulitive cukoo looking to steal anothers ready made nest.
It does indeed take 2 to tango, but sadly Brad Pitt did what most men would have done, he took an easy lay. Lets not lie or try to deny that fact, Jolie is indeed an easy lay.
They are box office failures now since they met, it was stated a long time ago in another forum. Hollywood turned their backs on them for what they did to Hollywoods Golden Girl.
Just Because the media report their every action doesnt mean that Studio bosses want them, no - Brad has to make up roles for her now.
I mean seriously - a white woman playing a black woman, someone needs a reality check here, was her ego that stupid to realise that the best thing for the movie was for her not to be in it.
(poor daniel pearl, his movie was boycotted because of the selfish main star who wanted all the glory and was desperate for another pity oscar)
VIVA LA DAWN, excellent read, and continue to keep up the fantastic work.
Come visit a forum that has Brangelina Section
www.smutandinnuendo.com/forum
(they dont believe in censorship)
123 - Female First Supporter
Anti-Angelinas, Anti-Brangelinas, there is a HOME for you.
Come on over and be WITH your friends.
We can NOT stand her.
124 - Christopher Rose
In a world full of bland identikit "stars", Angelina Jolie shines like a beacon. She is wonderfully alive and human and the world desperately needs more like her, female or male.
125 - angelina symbolises eve
her eyes look demonic with eye liner
she thinks she resembles eve and brad is adam
this couple is sick