More than a mere sex kitten, Jolie is a man-eating cheetah just waiting to devour our men.
Maybe it was the passing of the dreaded 6-6-06, but devils and demons have infiltrated my mind, and I awoke last night sweating and shaken with a vision of Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally as she single-handedly destroyed the earth with her multi-hued progeny at her side.…
Article comments
— go to most recent comments26 - JR
Yes it's true: not since Christ the Savior graced the earth with His divine presence have we been so enraptured by the birth of a child as we have with Shiloh Nouvel.
When Christ graced the Earth, he was relatively unknown; and his birth would have been even less heralded.
I guess what I'm saying is that Brangelina'a baby is bigger than Jesus.
27 - DJRadiohead
Be careful, JR, John Lennon was shot for saying the same thing.
28 - Eric Olsen
whoa, bad hair day
29 - Mary K. Williams
man people sure get testy.
I don't really care what Brad and Angelina are doing. I don't love them or hate them. Actually, I kind of like them at times. Mr. & Mrs. Smith was quite entertaining.
So, I don't necessarily agree with the whole Anti-Christ thing - yet it was quite fun, and well written.
Again..I plead..Lighten THE FUCK up Francis!!!
30 - Victor Plenty
Yes, interesting change there, EO. I wonder who did that. Did Blogcritics come under attack by a horde of Brangelina-zombie hackers? Or did Dawn just replace the photo as a satirical touch?
Enquiring minds want to know.
31 - Dawn
Perhaps my inner ugly is starting to show Victor :)
32 - Chris
Yeah, right DJStupidhead, re 'unmonitored access'-- perhaps if you'd stop posting multiple times in a row, with lame ass responses, I might actually believe you were over the age 12 yourself.
But just to clarify, for the perverts out there who will insist on believing what has become mythic lore -- Jolie did not 'tongue' or 'french kiss' her brother -- I know, I was watching the Oscars that year. She kissed him on the mouth. End of story. It's too bad that you pervs are always a bit too eager to believe that a young woman's confident sexuality somehow translates to incest. Once again, it says way more about this society (which if you doubt is sick - check out YOUR local newscast) than it does about Jolie.
..and if Jolie's husband at the time, was too stupid, drunk or high enough to boast about getting some in the back of the limo - how is that her fault? She didn't say it. Or are you saying you disagree with sex in limos, on principle. Well excuse me, DJ Rev Pat Roberston, you sad lonely dweeb. LOL
Methinks much like ugly Dawn, your just jealous.
Boy, have you guys railed against Jolie & Pitt every day for the last year or more, or is it just the birth of their child that makes you realize how inconsequential, bitter and lonely your own lives are?
Hmm? Dawn?
S'okay dear...go back to chewing your right arm off over Angelina and her happy beautiful family.
33 - beadtot
Please -- obviously the couple has been snared so as to develop inflatable safety jackets for children that plump upon impact [the 'Jolly Jumper' + 'air bag']. Give the over-extended babe a citrus cocktail!
34 - Mark Saleski
#32. dat was funny! (***clapping****)
35 - DJRadiohead
Doesn't Revlations say something about sheep to the slaughter where the anti-Christ is concerned? Or is that Leviticus? Hmm. Either way, I am sure it's in there.
Good thought, Victor. That's what we need.
36 - Mark Saleski
Doesn't Revlations say something about sheep to the slaughter where the anti-Christ is concerned?
no. i believe that was Metallica....somewhere on Ride The Lightning.
37 - Dawn
They're all winners in my book. Please go on...
38 - DJRadiohead
DJStupidhead? Hells holy acre, son, that is some grammarschool nonsense if I ever heard it. I guess the only thing for me to say in kind is, "I know you are but what am I?"
39 - sal m
dawn, another great one...however, it's too bad that for speaking the truth, the princess of darkness was able to turn you ugly as a result of speaking out.
wow...what a mess...
i find it fasinating that some people get so worked up into a lather in order to defend jolie - a person with a moral compass that is as twisted as a corkscrew.
brad the stud turned into brad the putz...he's been a cuckold in waiting...the forelorn expression that he wears as the devil herself drags him around the third world, is that of the schnook who is dragged to the mall on the day of the big game.
brad could be enjoying the good life - either married to one of the cutest women in the world or shagging every hottie he comes into contact with - but instead he's visiting mud huts in the strife-torn continent of africa.
i wager that angelina's next conquest will be bono, and their progeny could take over the world.
40 - BarbV
Dawn -
Brilliant article. Some scary responses re: assuming jealousy on the part of anyone writing obvious satire. Li'l boys who want to sleep with Ang and li'l girls who want to sleep with Brad, I imagine.
With respect,
BV
41 - Dawn
thanks barb - I am in no way jealous of celebrities, especially these two. Being relatively anonymous is far more suitable way to live life.
As for Bono and Jolie - if she dare goes to after my Bono, I will show my claws. Hiss, Pfft, Hiss, Pfft.
42 - Mary K. Williams
Geez Dawn, all was fine until you said, "My Bono".
Because that EXACTLY what I thought, when I read that...oh no...not MY Bono.
Don't suppose you'd wanna share huh?
43 - Mary K. Williams
'DJStupidHead'
Hey, that has a ring to it. : )~
44 - BarbV
As long as she keeps paws off Johnny Depp, I'm cool.
Self-absorbed in Tyranna
45 - Dawn
I am cool with sharing Bono with you Mary - but that bitch Jolie better back the f off! Oooh, and Johnny Depp, mmm....but only as Captain Jack Sparrows. Something about men in pirate costumes.
46 - DJRadiohead
Sir Mary, you best watch your step. Don't risk showing an alarming lack of loyalty like that laughing Saleski there in the corner. He will be dealt with in due course for my judgment cometh, and that right soon.
47 - Mark Saleski
I am cool with sharing Bono with you Mary
can i watch?
(sorry, it HAD to be said!)
48 - Dawn
Mark, I forgot to ask - what's with you and Metallica?
And I like DJPoopyhead better!!
49 - Mark Saleski
dawn, it just feels kinda funny countering pseudo-biblical hooey with pseudo-heavy metal hooey.
50 - Eric Olsen
that's better - a little makeup never hurts
51 - DJRadiohead
All right, all of you. I see how it's going to be. That's fine. DJPoopyRadioStupidPatRobertsonHead is taking his ball and going home. As has been suggested, I am perfectly capable of flying the ship all solo and stuff.
52 - Dawn
Yes, Eric and I took a shower too. It's amazing what a little soap and water can do.
Oh and don't be like that DJR - you know we love you, poopyhead and all.
53 - Mary K. Williams
I am perfectly capable of flying the ship all solo and stuff.
Is that like waxing the dolphin or spanking the monkey? (innocent look)
Sorry, THAT had to be said.
54 - Mark Saleski
mmmpphhrmmmm!! (that's the sound of me attempting to stifle raging laughter)
55 - Pinkgirl
This was the most disgusting and disgraceful article that I have ever read! Why would someone write such a horrible thing about a person who they don't even know? Angelina Jolie is a beautiful and amazing human being! So without making a "personal attack" on the so called "writer" of this article, I'll say that the above name calling is nothing more than jealousy!
56 - Mary K. Williams
Oh, and I vote for Johnny Depp for President. AS Captain Jack - yes.
don't care nothing about no WMD's just bring me back some Rum!
57 - DJRadiohead
That which is understood need not be explained (translation: fucking duh!)
58 - Dawn
Pinkgirl and all sensitive types - its celebrity gossip satire, not to be taken literally. Although, Angelina is a succubus.
I stand by that claim.
59 - Victor Plenty
The word "succubus" has an immaculate Latin pedigree, and yet also evokes smashmouthedly unsubtle single-entendre imagery.
I must figure out a way to derive some advantage from this pirate chic I'm hearing so much about.
60 - Chelsea Snyder
Comment #32: "Yeah, right DJStupidhead."
In third grade, that would have immediately trumped "Doodiehead," which was my first instinct to use... I hate when people are wittier than me in namecalling.
61 - Eric Olsen
I believe those objecting most strenuously to the Angelina characterization here are covert UN operatives.
62 - Christopher Rose
I just think she's hot! Always have, ever since "Hackers".
63 - Mat Brewster
Anyone notice that the first google ad under Dawns by line is for Satan. Hovering the mouse brings a tag that says "ads about satan" How cool is that?
Zowie. EO your wife is hot!
64 - Mary K. Williams
I must figure out a way to derive some advantage from this pirate chic I'm hearing so much about.
Victor, just showing up with Rum helps. Sometimes, just plain showing up works. : )
65 - Dawn
Thanks Mat, some people say I look a little like Jennifer Aniston. I don't see it, but hey, who am I to question such things.
And yes, Mary, rum and just showing up goes a long way to getting your inner pirate on.
66 - Damien
What the hell do I care about pleasing everybody? And so looks like I'm not the antichrist judging by that description. All this sexual power bullshit won't work on me: I'm immune. Out here on the perimeter there are no stars. I'm bored now. Goodbye!
67 - Damien
*What the hell do I care about pleasing everybody?
This could just as well read:-
What the hell do I care about pleasing anybody?
68 - Dawn
Who were trying to hypothetical not please Damien?
69 - Damien
Thanks for that Dawn. I've tried rearranging the words in various permutations to try and make sense of that but sadly no. Thanks anyway!
70 - Dawn
Oh hell Damien, it's hard being you. Cut yourself some slack. Try pleasing yourself for once.
Just so long as it doesn't bring on the apocalypse, 'cuz like that would totally suck.
71 - Damien
It's okay Dawn I'm not really Damien. That is one lousy name. As for the apocalypse it seems to be a long time coming do you not think? Doubt we'd recognize what the apocalypse was if it descended on us tomorrow. What is certain is creeping secularism & materialism in the west especially. It is on the rise. I know this because I compare it to several years back. There is something wrong with that but I am very doubtful indeed that any God or person claiming God's representation is going to appear to amend those particular peoples' ways. Nice article by the way: enjoyed reading it.
72 - Dawn
The materialism bothers me more than the secularism, because at least the longview look at things would say that religious separation is a good thing. In that it doesn't exclude one religion over the other. Religious persecution is in my opinion is a bad thing.
But from another view point we need to find a way of injecting basic moral touchpoints into our societal perspective than we do now.
Children, should not be paraded around as some sort of example of virtue.
Brangelina may or may not be doing it for the right reason, but the egomanical need for publicity smacks of some measure of self-serving gratification.
There are lots of more generous philanthropists in the world besides these two, who require zero recoginition. And no amount of goodwill erases one's personal lowpoints and failures in their individual relationships.
Trust me, I know.
Look at you, Damien (or whomever you are) getting me all philosophizing and shite.
73 - Mark Saleski
ah whatEVER! folks are always yakkin' about how society is going to hell in a handbasket. to me it just looks like we keep pimping out the handbasket.
74 - Victor Plenty
I can see the ad now. "HANDBASKET: high miles but runs great! Chrome wheels, rear spoiler, racing stripes. Dashboard lights so ultraviolet you can't even read the dials. Stereo has enough bass to trip the Emergency Alert System whenever you drive by the geology building on campus. Must sell before repo men find me. Make offer."
75 - Mary K. Williams
Try pleasing yourself for once. Just ask DJ!